Remember on Monday I was talking about “out of control?” I said it could be things out of control being hard to deal with when you have ADHD, or it could be things out of control because you have ADHD, or it could be your ADHD out of control?
So on Monday I went to work. At work we’re fishing through the walls of an old house, pulling wire for the electrician, dirty work, and not a one man job. When the wire has to run from the panel in the basement to the attic and then drop down to the receptacles you need at least two people.
And still there’s stairs, and dust, and a lot of yelling.
I spent the weekend just past doing a lot of singing. I sing to live, I work to eat. There’s a difference between eating and living, though it’s hard to define the separation.
And the week before I was not really well, fighting a cold of some sort. I was fighting it with denial I think, I do that sometimes.
Yesterday, while shouting from floor to floor, “More … more … okay pull it back a bit …. okay pull it up slowly …. WHOA!” yesterday, I lost my voice. By last night my chest was getting ragged like rotten cotton and I could feel the fabric of it tearing with each cough. This morning I phoned in sick.
My boss, the guy I work for, has been my friend for decades. We work together because we work well together. It is a pleasure to do jobs that we are proud of and we both feel that way.
It’s hard to pull wire when you’re alone. There’s a lot of stairs involved. A lot of going up and down, just to check on things. The work goes much slower and is much harder.
You want stress?
And I’ve left my friend doing this on his own. I feel stress. Trust me, I feel stress.
And there is this thing that comes with ADHD, I don’t like to call it the “feels,” but that’s pretty much what it is. ADHD means I’ve had so much experience screwing up, that I can no longer tell the difference between letting someone down by screwing up, and letting someone down by being unavailable. That is, I can see the difference on the surface, but for some reason they both feel the same.
And stress is not conducive to a healthy recovery
So I’m lying here in bed, coughing up unknown things, and wondering if I might not get better faster … if I were to go crawl around in dusty attics and basements and work under light fixture Oc-box holes and reach into light switch box holes. Not the best environment, but less stress on the job site than my mind is capable of creating for me here at home.
Yes, stress is not conducive to a healthy recovery. And as I said on Monday, stress exacerbates ADHD. What a choice.