Isn’t ADHD odd? Some of us get along with others among our tribe, while some just don’t mix well at all. And sometimes if you take a snapshot of friendships and come back a couple of months later, the lines of connection and demarcation have been redrawn.
Now some of these lines are drawn in ink, and some are drawn in pencil. And while the pencil ones are erased and redrawn all the time, the ink ones are also redrawn every now and then also.
I had a friendship at one time that I thought was going to last forever. We couldn’t have been closer as friends, I thought. We were opposite genders, but there was no tension there, at least not for me. I can’t speak for her. I never asked then and I can’t ask now. We had so much in common that it seemed like we were twin siblings that had been separated at birth.
Maybe we had too much in common
Maybe we were too much alike, or maybe we were less alike than I thought. What ever the reason, the friendship suddenly ended with little explanation and I was left wondering why. To this day I can’t say what happened.
I miss my friend, and I miss the friendship. But that’s never going to change. Sadly, I spent some time over-thinking every other friendship because of that. Wondering if I was being to smothering or to distant, if I was talking too much or being to quiet.
I found out that in very many of my friendships, I was not enjoying myself anymore. The implosion of that one wonderful friendship had robbed me of my self confidence and taken my heart out of the equation in so many other friendships.
Seeing is bereaving
It took me a long time to see this, and more time still, to figure out how to compensate for it. But I’m back. And I’m better than ever. At least I think so.
A wonderful friend of mine had coffee with me on Sunday and she told me that two ADHDers are like two walls coming together. They could join up at the ends and make a very comfortable room in which an interaction might occur, or they could slowly move towards each other in some “Get Smart” Comedy/Spy story and crush the potential of friendship in between.
How do you know which will happen?
How are you supposed to figure out in advance whether the friendship will work or not? You aren’t. You can’t. But here’s what you can do. Make the most of it while it’s good. And don’t let it sour your life when it goes bad, if it goes bad.
You have to be yourself, don’t choose friends and then try to be the person you think they’ll like, be the person you are and offer that to potential friends. As a friend, I like that kind of honesty in my friendships.
Lastly, on a slightly different note, I recently reconnected with a couple of very dear friends from my high school days (yes, there are other people as old as me, kids) and our friendships seems to have grown in power while they rested over these passing decades.
My coffee friend also told me that some friends are like magnets, which may be more true than the wall analogy. When two magnets are turned so that the same poles are together, they repel each other, but when they are turned so that opposite poles are together, they grab hold and hang on.
The magnet analogy is kind of nice because it suggests that times can change and friends can reconnect.
I was too badly hurt by the crash of that one friendship to be able to accept it into my life again, but all others are welcome. Lets see which poles are which, shall we?