Last year went by quickly in some respects, but dragged in other ways. The passing of time, for me, is interesting. It flows like water in a river. In places where the river is wide and deep, time flows slowly, in the narrow, shallow, and steep places, time flows rapidly, raucously.
For me, the present is like a waterfall. And I don’t feel like I’m moving through time, more like I’m standing on a bridge, looking at that waterfall and watching as the future falls irretrievable over the precipice and into the past.
Upstream is the future, the wide and slow part. It flows toward me at a sedate and refined pace. The flotsam that is bobbing on this river of time is significant appointments, occasions, occurrences. They seem sometimes not to be moving toward me, not moving at all.
I can look downstream at the past, it’s the narrow and fast part. The things swirling and tumbling away from me, those are the things I failed to grab, failed to experience, failed to interact with in whatever way. That’s what gives me the regret I invariably experience when contemplating time gone by. The past is rapids. It’s turbulent, constantly changing direction in my memory, dropping out of sight, maybe reappearing, briefly.
Time will disappear. I know that soon there will be left, only images of things that have dashed by.
Sometimes I think the only reason I have so many memories is that my inability to put context to those memories hurts enough to make them significant.
And, the year in review? There isn’t one.
I know it was called 2012. And I know I can look back through my blog and jog my memory about things. I remember, after my wife’s death, trying to settle affairs through last winter … and writing. I remember working as a contractor through last summer … and writing. And I remember returning to my home at the end of the summer season and spending the autumn and the beginning of winter pondering my options vis a vis my house and my career … and writing.
That’s not much of a review!
But the numbness that I was experiencing through last year, even though it did improve, has made the details of the year a bit blurry. And now I’m trying to review it?
The ADHD part
I learned more about ADHD in the last year than I thought there was to know.
As far as my ADHD is concerned, I learned lots last year. I learned that I am comfortable as an advocate for the mental health community in general and the ADHD community in particular. Even though it is a disorder I’d only heard of peripherally for the first fifty years of my life, I learned more about ADHD in the last year than I thought there was to know. And I’ve learned there’s still more to learn.
I’ve learned that I have fiends
When I started writing a blog about ADHD, I received a couple of emails and comments from people who told me that it was helpful to hear someone talk openly about it. When I stopped writing that blog to work here at Psych Central, I’d hoped that I might be able to duplicate that for some of you. Last year, I happily heard from people for whom this blog did just that.
I’m not happy with the tragedy that dogged my footsteps into last year, but I’m happy to report that I’m doing much better. I hope to repeat this trend in 2013.
But I still have ADHD. And while anyone’s life can turn on a dime, having ADHD means it is more likely to take a turn for the worse than a turn for the better.
So armed with that knowledge I’ll be watching to see what’s drifting towards the falls, and I’ll try to catch the important things before they fall, the bad ones to try to right them and the good ones to hold on to.
So I guess my review of 2012 is this: It certainly ended better than it started. Good luck to you, lets keep in touch through 2013, deal?