Breaking News: Breathing Causes ADHD [Spoof]
It has come to my attention Here at ADHD Man Of DistrAction, that there is something that has been overlooked in the development of ADHD. A commonality that no one has noticed up until now. It has been shown to be irrefutably true, that all ADHDers breathe air.
‘They’ say (you know ‘they’, they’re cited as proof of theory in every doughnut shop and bus stop from here to the DSM IV) that there are people who have developed the ability to breathe and not have it affect them. Sadly, others who have opted into this habit forming pastime have suffered the rare effect of developing ADHD.
‘They’ aren’t big on statistics, preferring such superior clinical measurement terms as ‘many’ and ‘most’, but it seems like somewhere between ‘some people’ and ‘a whole bunch of folks’ are coming down with ADHD.
Say it isn’t so …
I have to tell you, even I have some proof of this. Every ADHDer I know personally and those that I’ve asked online, all claim to have been breathing throughout most, if not all of their lives.
Some say they don’t ever recall their parents trying to stop them from participating in this time and atmosphere consuming hobby. Others, when asked, just shook their heads and walked away, no doubt pondering the ramifications and revelations that such questions had stirred up within them.
I myself, must confess to having been a breather all my life, or at least as much of it as I remember. I’ve even been informed that I do it in my sleep. Shocking!?!! I know. Yet there it is, and irrefutably so.
But what’s the relationship between ADHD and breathing?
Excellent question! Lets explore shall we? It seems that every time you take a breathe, oxygen gets into your blood stream through your lungs.
Once contaminated, the blood makes its way to the brain where all manner of chemical reactions occur. One of these reactions is the use of dopamine in the synaptic firing. In ADHDers, this transfer of dopamine can be somewhat “fuzzy” whereas in others, it “pops” or “cracks” like lightning.
Imagine, if you will, the breaking of a piece of bread. The ADHD brain is like fresh bread, the chemical reactions in it are like a tearing, slow and sloppy. The non-ADHD brains bread breaking is crisp and snaps quickly. Therefore, the non-ADHD brain is like stale bread, which explains a lot.
Additional bad news
I’ve recently heard more, sadly. ‘They’ are now saying that everyone has ADHD, though I’ve also heard ‘others’ say that there is no such thing as ADHD. I believe others to be a subgroup of ‘they,’ though I’m not sure how ‘others’ fits in nor whether ‘they’ have decided if ‘others’ has any validity.
It has also recently come to my attention that many people who drink water or water based drinks may also be causing themselves to have ADHD symptoms. I can’t see how this could be denied, again, the anecdotal evidence is right there, and, also, again, ‘they’ are saying as much with whispered comments like “ … it must be something in the water these days … ”
Is there any hope …
Well, there you have it, ADHD is caused by drinking and breathing. Don’t worry, I’m sure that, as soon as someone can amass seven or eight testimonials by people who have only first names and last initials, attention will be brought to bear on finding an inert substance that can be presented as the topic of those testimonials and we’ll have a cure for breathing and drinking water, if not for ADHD itself … or so ‘they’ say.
Won’t that be great?
Babcock, K. (2012). Breaking News: Breathing Causes ADHD [Spoof]. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 25, 2017, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd-man/2012/12/breaking-news-breathing-causes-adhd-spoof/