Abandoning my tools for a while ...


Abandoning my tools for a while ...

Abandoning my tools for a while …

Have you ever wished you could take time off from ADHD? I have. I never did that before I knew about my disorder. But now I wish every day that I could put the genie back in the bottle. I regret my choices and my behaviour the same as I ever did, but now there is a continuity, a thread running through the days that I’m now aware of. ADHD!

Gone are the days of self-oblivion

Before my diagnosis I lived in days of delusion, a daze of self-unawareness that left me in a state of acceptance. Now I am painfully aware of my limitations. I analyze every error, every mistake, every instance of loss of focus, every blurted statement, every inappropriate action. And then I reanalyze it all again at the end of the day.

And I’m tired …

I began wondering where the disorder stopped and where Kelly began.

Some time ago I began to wonder if I was dwelling overly much on my ADHD. I began wondering where the disorder stopped and where Kelly began. I began to wonder if there was an overlap (of course there was), or if I and ADHD were the same thing. I concluded that I would never know.

STOP! Enough!

But I didn’t stop wondering if I was too concerned, and now I think I’m too concerned with whether I’m wondering whether I’m too concerned. See, I’m starting to not make sense when I try to make sense . Gibberish isn’t a good sign. I need some time off.

My day job is over for the season. I’m no longer working in cottage country, I’m looking forwinterwork in my home town. But this week I’m not looking too hard. I need a rest and I’m going to take it. I also need a rest from anxiety and that’s going to be tough since, as I said, I’m out of work right now.

I know, however, that much of that anxiety is caused by my ADHD. I will worry about having no work and getting nothing done while I have the time off. I’ll worry about what work I will find and what work I won’t find. I’ll worry about finding a job that won’t allow me to write or to accomplish things at home.

Time for a break

But I’m going to forget about anxiety for the weekend. At least I’m going to try. I’m going to put it aside. I’ve straightened up my house, somewhat, and I’m going grocery shopping and I’ve gassed up the pickup truck. It’s thanksgiving weekend here in Canada (we like to celebrate that before the snow flies) and I intend to be thankful for something. And I’ve decided that I’m going to be thankful for the weekend itself. I’m taking time off from over analyzing and dissecting every waking moment of every day, from worrying about things, from having ADHD, from being ADHD. I’m taking time off … ’til I have to come back down to earth and write Monday’s blog post. I may be taking time off from ADHD, but I can’t afford to take time off from a job I already have.