On Wednesday I told you why I was proud to stand among you. I think I’m going to dedicate today to talking about the burdens that I bear. The ones that have made me stronger. These are my problems. You may share some or all of them, and you may have more of your own. Let’s see.
I’m at my computer making a note about one of the things that upsets me about my ADHD. I’d like to say that I came into my office to do that, but really I came into my office to do … something … that I can’t quite recall.
I tried all the usual methods of retrieval, I scratched my head, I checked my email, I opened seventeen tabs in my browser, I swore at myself for being an idiot – all to no avail.
This is one of the things about ADHD that I hate. I don’t hate that it happens, I hate that it happens fifty times a day.
But this is just one of them, there are plenty more
One of the worst parts of ADHD for me, is anxiety. I worry. I don’t do it on purpose and I do usually internalize it. Externalizing it only helps in therapy.
When it gets away from me in the real world, it does so as actions, reactions and statements. These things never help, in any situation.
And it does get away …
Two days ago I hurt a good friend by letting my anxiety out. Worse than that, I didn’t let it out by saying I was worried, I let it out by saying I was upset about something she was doing. It didn’t end well, and the reality of it is that it is my anxiety, my burden and she shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’ll drink to that!
Another one of my problems is a dependence on substance. I have that under control. I spent quite a few years self-medicating with alcohol, and I did it very well. I shirked responsibilities and did what ever it took to make sure the party just kept going.
Since sobering up I’ve spent a lot of time examining this method of self-medicating myself in this manner. I can only stay clear of this if I stay completely clear. This doesn’t mean that others can’t participate in my presence. Their drinking isn’t my problem, my drinking is.
And the problem is …
Unfortunately, it does sometimes happen that someone’s actions will remind me of myself, painfully. My anxiety level can elevate very quickly if it is someone I care about. ‘Nuff said.
Let me put some thought into this
Not thinking before I speak is also a constant bane of my existence. The top three reasons for my doing this are:
- I think what I’m saying is funny
- I think it might be important even though it isn’t on topic
- I’m overly excited about the topic of discussion and can’t stop to put filters in place
This particular issue is a big one for me. It has ruined many potential friendships and most of the few real friendships I’ve managed to nurture to a state that could be considered healthy.
All right, I’ve put it off long enough
Procrastination is my last big one. I can put things off with the best of them. I’m always saying I should do something about it … maybe tomorrow.
Okay, seriously, the worst part about procrastination for me currently is that knowing my penchant for not finishing things has led me to a place where I’m not bothering to start things or even consider them. Where I used to gather needed things together and let the pile of materials remind me of some project that I wanted to do, I now abandon possible activities before my mind can become attached to the idea of them.
Is that good? I thought so, but due to a lack of decision making skills I’m not sure if I’m maybe not starting to do things that could be important.
These are the things that I’m trying to overcome today
This list is not complete, nor will it every be a list of things I’ve overcome. Yet even though they won’t ever be resolved, I think I can make improvements so that the list isn’t so intimidating. After all, I don’t want to be worrying about these things for the rest of my life.