When a child learns to love herself, she learns acceptance, pride, self-esteem, and inner strength. When a child learns to love others, he learns how to make connections with others, how it feels to be kind, and how to be vulnerable. When a child learns how to be loved, he learns that he is a person worth loving, that he is valued and wanted.

If a child’s needs are met with kindness and warmth, if he sees that he is cared for, a positive connection with his caregivers is formed, and he learns that people are good, and he can trust them for his survival.

LOVING YOURSELF

• Let your child hear you talk about yourself in a positive manner. It’s a good thing for kids to hear their mom or dad discuss a positive work review or a good day on the job. Tell them you feel smart and beautiful.
• Talk about how you care for yourself. Making sure your body gets exercise, having fun with friends and family, and engaging in religious activities are all ways of loving yourself.
• Don’t put yourself down, especially in front of your kids. Don’t say things to yourself that  you wouldn’t want to be said to your child. Instead, put emphasis on doing things that make you healthier. Instead of saying you’re not eating dessert because you’re fat, mention that you are trying to be healthier and make your body stronger.

LOVING OTHERS

• Talk to your children about how people show love to each other. It’s not just about hugs and kisses, but about doing nice things for others, listening to one another, and using kind words.
• Brain-storm with your child about unique ways to show people you love them. For a grandparent far away, it could be making a care package to send. For a neighbor, it could be shoveling a driveway or baking cookies.

BEING LOVED

• Touch them. Children thrive on positive touch. Hold their hands, cuddle with them at bed time, let them sit on your lap. Please be aware that all children are different and that there are some for whom physical touch is unwanted. This often is the case with children on the autism spectrum. If you don’t know if they want a hug or back rub, ASK.
• Use words. Children need to be told that you love them. Say it over and over. Say it when they’re 1, and when they’re 21. Say it in silly ways and in serious ways. Even when they say “I know, dad!” say it one more time.
• Remember, you’ll never regret telling them you love them too often, but you will regret it if you don’t say it enough.

As parents, we are our children’s first and most important teachers. By showing with our words and actions what healthy love is, we are setting the foundation for a lifetime of positive relationships.

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Words are powerful, and in a relationship they can be used to both bring people together or push them apart.

As a therapist, I’ve noticed that there are several statements couples commonly make to each other that destroy the foundation of their relationship. Sometimes the words are used deliberately to hurt the other person, and sometimes the destruction comes about through carelessness.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, it’s important to be aware of the impact your words will have on your partner.

Here are the top relationship destroying statements that couples make to each other, and some ideas of what to say instead.

1. If  you love me, you should______ (fill in the blank: remember my birthday, pick up your underwear, plan date nights…)  This may be how you feel, but the fact is your partner can love you very deeply and still do things that hurt you or make you angry. It may be because of habit or carelessness, or some deeper unconscious issue that this happens, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. What it does mean is that you don’t feel loved by them. Try this instead: When you remember my birthday, I feel loved by you. When you forget, I feel neglected and unloved.
2. I shouldn’t have to ask you for what I need. If you really loved me, you’d know. Spouses and lovers aren’t mind readers. Although it may feel fake or not meaningful, asking for what you want is a great way to get it. You should also take some time to evaluate what it really is that you need. It may not be that you need flowers on your birthday but that you need to feel remembered and special. This is where the discussion needs to happen. Try this instead: I want to feel loved and cherished by you, and right now I’m not. In the past, when you ______, it made me so happy.
3. I hate you. This statement can do severe damage in a relationship. Rather than simply saying “I hate you,” say how you feel.  Try this instead: I’m so furious with you right now. What you said/did hurt me deeply. Remember that words often stick around in the listener’s head long after the speaker has forgotten them.
4. You are fat/ugly/stupid/weak. If you’re saying these things to your partner, chances are they have done something to hurt you, and you want to hurt them back. But saying things that are personally hurtful and engaging in name calling doesn’t solve anything. This is another situation where you want to say how you feel rather than trying to hurt the other person. Try this instead: I am angry. You hurt me, and part of me wants to hurt you back so you’ll know how upset I am.
5. You always/never____. The words ‘always’ and ‘never’ are conversation killers, and they immediately put the listener on the defensive. And while it may be tempting to say, “you never do the dishes,” chances are that’s not an accurate statement. Your partner will want to make sure you remember all the times he or she did do the dishes. Rather than using absolutes, use more accurate terms. Try this instead: For the past three nights, you’ve left all the dishes undone, and I have had to do them before work.

What you say to your partner really does matter. Take some time to consider what words you say that harm your relationship, and make a point to speak in a more careful and meaningful way. You may be surprised at how changing the things you say strengthens and improves your partnership.

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Have you ever felt as if happiness is something that you have to wait to come to you?

Do you ever wonder why other people are happy, and you’re not?

The good news is that being happy is more of a choice than you might think.

Happiness doesn’t have to be an elusive idea that only some fortunate people are able to obtain. Here are seven simple things you can do to increase your happiness.

1. Remember the last time you felt peaceful. Think about where you were, whom you were with, and what was around you. Remember the sounds, the feelings and the scents that surrounded you. What was the light like? Was there a breeze? Try and re-experience that feeling for a minute.
2. Say one kind word or do one kind action to/for the next person you meet. It could be sincerely wishing them a nice afternoon or paying the bill for the person behind you at Starbucks. It could even be a kind word to yourself.
3. Hold your tongue. The next time you get angry or frustrated don’t react. Give yourself space to calm down before doing or saying something you will later regret. This may not cause happiness in the moment, but when you calm down, you’ll feel good about not saying or doing something out of anger.
4. Step outside. Being cooped up all day, especially in artificial lighting, can bring down people’s moods. Even if it is freezing and snowing or hot and humid, spending time outdoors can make you feel better.
5. Catch someone doing something good. Try and see an act of kindness. Maybe it’s a neighbor playing with his dog, or a stranger holding the door open for a child. Look for the good in the world, and you’ll see it. You’ll also be happier because you noticed.
6. Have positive physical contact with someone. And this doesn’t mean sex necessarily, although sexual intimacy is a great way to increase ‘feel good’ hormones. Cradling a baby, hugging a friend, or holding a lover’s hand can all make you feel happier.
7. Love an animal. As I write this, I have one bird on my head, one bird on my shoulder, and a snoozing Boxer next to me on the couch. Every time you interact with an animal in a loving manner, you’ll feel calmer and happier. Animals can be a great source of peace and unconditional love.

Everyone is different, and some people are simply born with a happier disposition than others. Everyone reacts to various stresses differently.The above ideas won’t change your entire outlook on life, but they will bring a bit of light into your world.

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If you’re a parent with a mental illness, or if someone in your  family is mentally ill, you may struggle with how to talk about it with  your children. You may feel embarrassed or even ashamed about your disease.

Even thought it can be difficult, it’s important to create a safe space for kids to hear and ask questions about the illness that affects you or your partner.

Here are five tips to help you get started.

1. Keep the conversation age appropriate. A six year old may need to know that sometimes dad gets really sad, but they don’t need to know the details of his bipolar disorder.  A 16 year old could benefit from more detailed information about the parent’s symptoms and treatment. Both need to understand that their parent’s sadness is not their fault.
2. Don’t  simply wait for your child to bring up their questions or concerns. Kids are usually well aware that  something is going on when a parent has a mental illness. Even casually noting that you’re seeing your therapist on  Monday may be enough to create a safe space for a child to talk about their fears. Talking about mental illness can happen casually, in the car or when watching TV. Look for opportunities to introduce the topic in low-key manner.
3. Allow them to ask questions, and answer as honestly as possible. There may be some things you feel are off-limits or too private to discuss. It’s okay to tell your child this. If  you don’t know the answer to a particular question, try to find out. Teenagers may wonder if they will develop mental illness as they get older, or worry about the safety of the adults who care for them. This is a good  opportunity to talk about early signs of depression or mania or anxiety, and mention how you are taking care of yourself.
4. Normalize their experience. Children naturally worry about their parents and  caregivers. They may feel like no one else understands what it’s like to  have a parent with a mental illness. The reality is that many people, old and young, are mentally ill. Chances are, some of their friends have parents with a mood disorder or anxiety.
5. Help them find support. Check out what resources are available in your community. NAMI  (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is a great place to start. Many kids benefit from having a counselor to talk to.

Children are highly aware of what is going on around them, even if they don’t quite understand it all.  If a parent’s mental illness is shrouded in secrecy, kids will learn to associate mental illness with shame. But when depression is talked about as openly as diabetes, or when a dad with schizophrenia feels comfortable asking his daughter how she feels about his illness, stigmatization is decreased, and kids feel safer.

Opening  up about mental illness can also help kids feel comfortable talking  about their own mental health. A 13 year old who hears the term depression talked  about in an open way is more likely to tell her mom that she feels  depressed than if her only knowledge of depression came from TV ads.

As  a parent, you are your children’s first and most important teacher. How  you handle your mental illness will set the stage for how they will  think of their own thoughts and feelings, and those of the people around  them.

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Many parents have a strong gut-reaction when they discover that their son or daughter has viewed sexually explicit content.

The internet has made hardcore pornography easily accessible to anyone with a computer and online access. 20 years ago a person would have to take multiple steps to see porn. They would have to find out where it’s sold, get to the store, find the gumption to go in and make the purchase. And the magazine would have a beginning and an end.

Now one simply has to Google whatever they’re looking for, and hundreds and thousands of pictures, webcams, and videos pop up, many for free. Unlike the pornography that shows up in print, the internet doesn’t end. A person could look at pornography day and night and still see new images.

As a parent, or adult who works with or cares about kids, here are some things you need to know about online pornography.

• The APA states that every year, 40% of teens and preteens visit sexually explicit sites on the internet. This includes both deliberate searches as well as accidentally clicking on an unintended link. This study is from 2007, and I would expect that the number is significantly higher at this time.
• Many of these sites have explicit material on their home page, so even a single click can take a child to images they are not prepared to see.
• No matter how tightly you try to control what your child sees on the internet, if they want to view online pornography, they can easily find a way. The library, iPods and iPads and  friends’ computers are just some of the ways kids are able to view explicit material. This is why talking to your kids about pornography is so important.
• Teens are sexually curious. This is healthy and normal. Your job as a parent is to allow them to mature sexually in a safe, age appropriate manner.
• There are different ideas about how viewing pornography affects kids. For children under 10 it can result in a very skewed and harmful understanding of sexuality. Children’s minds are simply not prepared for explicit material. What is seen cannot be unseen, and young children are often very disturbed and harmed by viewing pornography. For older children it can result in a need for increasingly greater stimuli — rather than engaging in ‘making out’, they go straight to intercourse or oral sex. Some teens are plagued with feelings of guilt for viewing pornography and distressed because they can’t stop looking at it. Teens who access online pornography  can be drawn into conversations and interactions with adults who intend to engage teens in sexual activity or child pornography.
• Sexual predators often use pornography while grooming   a child or teen. This is why it’s critical to find out how your child was first exposed (see below).

So what can you do?

1. Ask your child or teen how they came across porn for the first time. If they were shown pornography by an adult, you need to contact authorities, as this is sexually abusive behavior. Most often, kids are exposed to pornography through their own curiosity, the influence of friends, or simply accidentally coming across a site or ad.
2. Talk to your kids. Tell them your views on pornography. Explain any concerns you have about it.
3. Don’t shame. From the moment a child is born, he or she is a sexual being with sexual feelings. Teens and preteens are flooded with a massive rush of hormones that changes everything from how they see themselves, their bodies, and others.
4. Install a quality internet filter on all of your home computers. Talk to your teen about why you’re doing it.But don’t rely on the filter to completely block everything explicit. Nothing is foolproof. The idea is to make it difficult for your child to accidentally or purposefully view harmful or disturbing content.
5. Remind your kids that anything they post or text is easily spread all over the internet. Sexting (the texting of sexually explicit material) can be copied and re-texted/tweeted thousands of times. Once something is on the internet, it can be impossible to take it back.
6. Monitor what your kids are doing online. Privacy is important for teenagers, but if you’re concerned that your teen is engaging in harmful behavior, you need to know what is going on. Many parents make it clear that if they’re concerned about their child, they will first talk with the child about it, and then if needed view emails, texts, and posts.

Pornography is a subject that many people are uncomfortable talking about. It can be hard to accept that your son or daughter is maturing into a person who has sexual thoughts and feelings. Remember that things are vastly different than they were a generation ago. Ask your kids what their thoughts are about porn. They may not tell you, but at least you’ll have opened the door to what can be a difficult subject.

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Plenty of people in the United States are introverts. The figures vary, but currently it’s generally accepted that about half of the US population are introverted.

The term introvert was first introduced by Carl Jung. And interestingly, the notion of introversion and extroversion is not a matter of being completely one or the other. Personality types, like introversion and extroversion, are on a continuum, and all people have a mixture of both in their personalities.

In this article,  I use the term “introvert” to describe someone who interacts with the world mostly in an introverted fashion, rather  than an extroverted one, and vice versa for extroverts.

The definition of what extroversion and introversion mean is based upon on how an individual sees and reacts to events, objects, or people. Introverts spend a great deal of time monitoring how things impact their inner world. An outside event (or person or object) is described and examined in regards to how it affects them and their history, thoughts, emotions, and feelings. For example, if an introvert is watching kids play, they may be reminded of themselves when  they were little, imagining how care free they felt. An extrovert might comment on how crazy kids dress these days.

In a similar way, introverts gain energy by focusing inward. After spending time around a group of people, introverts feel tired and depleted. It takes effort for them to socialize, and in order to feel more energized they may pull away from the outside world and spend time by themselves. Extroverts find spending time with groups of people or activities to be energizing, and solitude is taxing.

Many people, both extroverts and introverts, carry misconceptions about what it means to be an introvert. Here are four commonly held beliefs that are not accurate.

1. Introverts are quiet. Some are, and some aren’t. When an introvert is speaking about something, it often has to do with how it relates to themselves. In the scenario about watching children at play, an introvert might comment out loud and to another person about how their own childhood was carefree.  On the same note, an extrovert may simply think to himself about the strange attire the kids at the park are wearing, and not say anything to the person they are with.
2. Introverts are shy. Shyness is not about being an introvert or an extrovert. It’s about anxiety. Both introverts and extroverts have the ability to be shy in different circumstances.
3. Introverts are loners. Introverts enjoy friendships just as much as anyone. But unlike extroverts, who tend to have a wide variety of casual friends, introverts generally have fewer friends, but those friends are quite close.
4. Introverts have poor social skills. Some introverts have a distaste for small talk; others are fine engaging in it for a bit, but then tend to become introspective.

For the most part, personality traits like introversion and extroversion are stable over a person’s lifetime. People are able to adapt to their environment, and introverts can succeed at many different professions as long as they attend to their needs for replenishing their inner energy.

Understanding where your personality lies on the introvert/extrovert spectrum can be helpful in identifying ways to manage stress and improve relationships. It can also be a fascinating study of how you interact with the world.

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For many families, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years are times for reunions, reconnecting, and enjoying one another.

Yet however great the celebrations are, holidays are stressful. Here are six tips for making your holidays as peaceful and stress-free as possible.

1. Don’t over-plan. It can be tempting to arrange to first swing by grandma’s, then see your in-law’s at their home, then return and make a holiday dinner for your family and your out-of-town brother and his five kids. Don’t do it. The holidays are time for reconnecting, but if you’re bitter, grumpy, and yelling at your spouse, you (and the rest of your family) will be miserable and disconnected.
2. Realize that you can’t please everyone. The more people who are involved in a situation, the greater the chance for hurt feelings and misunderstandings. This year your parents might not be able to see the kids open up their presents or you may miss seeing your sisters at Thanksgiving. Do the best that you can with the limited time and energy you have.
3. Make a budget, and stick to it. Don’t go into debt purchasing things you can’t afford, or else come January you’ll regret it.  Families often will have a year when to make all of their gifts by hand, or they’ll do a gift exchange rather than purchasing things for everyone. The holidays are a time for sharing and showing love. You don’t need to purchase anything for this. Remember, you and your family and friends will not remember the gifts you gave them, or the amazing pies you baked. They’ll remember the feelings they experienced, and the stories and laughter shared.
4. Think about what feelings you want to experience during the holidays. Do you want a frantic excited holiday, or a serene and peaceful one? Do you want to be surrounded by tons of people, or have a more intimate time with your loved ones? Plan your day with this in mind.
5. Be aware of your anxiety and stress level. Have an idea of things you can do if you begin feeling your anxiety rise. Some people find that going into a quiet part of the house away from people is helpful. Others seek out their spouse or partner, some people find the resident cat or dog and give it attention, others step outside.
6. Have an escape plan. Seriously. If things get nasty, Aunt Marie has too much whiskey and becomes verbally abusive, or your introvert husband starts hyperventilating, make a graceful exit. It may be enough to simply go out for a walk, or you may need to return home.

Even the best families have conflict and stress, and holidays are notorious for exaggerating stress that is already present. Remember, the world will not end if you leave the party early, if you buy a pie instead of make one from scratch, or if this year you stay home rather than going to your grandparent’s house. Your happiness matters, as does your mental health!

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When these dreams and hopes are cut short by miscarriage, still birth, or the loss of life hours or days after birth, the pain is unmeasurable.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

The statistics on pregnancies that end in miscarriage or neonatal deaths (less than 28 days old) are staggering. One in four women has experienced this kind of loss. And yet there continues to be a shroud of secrecy about it.

Some women feel ashamed of their grief and keep it to themselves. Others believe that something is wrong with them because months or even years after the miscarriage or loss they have to hold back tears when their friends celebrate a new birth, a coworker announces her pregnancy, or they’re invited to a baby shower.

If you have experienced the loss of a child in pregnancy or after birth, whatever you are experiencing is okay. Each person, each family, experiences loss differently. There is no one ‘normal’ or right way to grieve a baby who is gone too soon.

Remember:

• Your loss is individual, and there is no clear road-map as to how your grief will be expressed and experienced.
• Many parents take pictures of their child who was born still, hold them, rock them, and talk to them. It’s natural to need to say goodbye.
• Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the life that could have been. There is no time-line as to when your grief will ease.
• It’s okay to talk about your child to others. Your son’s or daughter’s  life may have been cut short, but it still mattered and it was still real.
• You may feel alone in this, but know that pregnancy loss is something that many, many women experience. Sadly,  few people  talk about it.
• It’s okay to reach out to others for support. It’s okay to not know what you need, or to need different things at different times.
• Allow the people in your life to love you. Your partner may also be grieving, but in a different way. Talk to him or her. Allow yourself to be comforted and listened to.  There are people in your life who do truly care.
• You may be plagued by feelings that you did something wrong, or should have done something differently. When a pregnancy is lost, people search for an answer; it gives a feeling of control to believe that a different course of action could have had a different outcome. Yet often there is no answer, and nothing could have been done to prevent the loss. Be gentle with yourself.
• Find the support you need. Look for a support group, a counselor, or an online group. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Loss of any kind is hard, but the loss of a child in pregnancy or after birth is especially so. The death of an infant is the death of the future you imagined. In many ways, you are forced to reinvent what you had thought your life would be. You’ll be reminded constantly of what you don’t have. You’ll be angry when parents complain of midnight feedings and cranky toddlers because it reminds you of your empty arms and that you would give anything to have a baby to feed and comfort.

As much as it hurts, it will get better. And healing doesn’t mean forgetting. You will never forget, but you will heal.

There are many good resources on the internet. Here are just a few of them:

http://www.october15th.com/

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsurvivingemotionally.html

http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/sids-suid/

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/sbsurvivingemotionally.html

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What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka SAD)?

SAD is a type of depression that occurs during a change in season, usually fall and winter. People who suffer from SAD have many of the same symptoms as those with depression: lack of energy, feelings of hopelessness, withdrawing from friends and family, weight gain, and not enjoying things that one used to enjoy.

How many people experience SAD?

Many people experience seasonal affective disorder. According to Dr. Norman Rosenthal,  6 percent of the people in the United States suffer from SAD ¹. This does not include the number of people who experience a less severe form of seasonal depression – the winter blues. SAD is more common in the northern areas of the United States, and less common in areas of the south where there is more sunshine.

How is SAD treated?

There are several treatments for SAD. Like major depressive disorder, SAD can be treated with psychotherapy and medication. But SAD also responds very well to light therapy. Light therapy uses a full spectrum, intense light to help decrease depressive symptoms.

What is the difference between SAD and clinical depression?

People who experience SAD have the same symptoms as people with major depressive disorder. However, major depressive disorder is not limited to the darker days of fall and winter.

Tips for surviving SAD

1. Watch what you eat. You may feel like loading up on carbohydrates, alcohol, and processed foods, but try and avoid this. Poor diet can contribute to mood swings and lack of energy. Fish has lots of good omega-3 fatty acids. Vitamin D, which people naturally get through sunlight, can be lacking in the winter, and is a good supplement to take.
2. Make sure you get enough exercise, preferably outside. Exercise naturally improves mood and helps with sleep.
3. Consider investing in a light box. You can pick them up without a prescription, and many people have found them useful for decreasing SAD symptoms.
4. Don’t isolate yourself. Spend time with others, even if you have to force yourself to. Isolation can lead to increased depression.
5. Do something fun. Take a class, join a book club, begin writing a memoir, go bowling, blog, or start collecting garden gnomes. Do something new.
6. If your seasonal depression becomes worse, seek treatment. Reach out to your physician or mental health provider. Medication or counseling may be needed to get you through the season.

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Can you remember the last time you were happy?

Was it hours ago?

Days?

Weeks?

Years?

What was happening in your life at the time? What made you happy?

Happiness is a goal for many people. But there are different ideas floating around about what exactly makes people happy.

Is money the key to happiness? It’s been studied and determined that, for people who are struggling to provide for their basic needs  (food, clothing, shelter), more money can make them happier, but only up to a point.

When a person is able to provide for themselves and their families at a basic but comfortable level, more money doesn’t increase their happiness. So, if you earn $50,000 a year, earning $300,000 a year isn’t going to make you happier.

What about beauty, or dressing well, or having people look up to you? These qualities, like money, focus on external values, and can make some difference in the level of happiness a person experiences, but not much.

What many studies have shown is that happiness is increased by things that are more internal: having close friends and family, being loved, feeling needed, doing or witnessing acts of kindness. These things all increase a person’s feeling of happiness.

Recently, many articles and books have noted a connection between kindness and happiness.

A study in 2005 by Hebrew University in Israel noted that there is a link between kindness and a gene that releases dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that makes us feel happy. So, not only does kindness make the person on the receiving end feel good, it makes the person being kind feel good as well.

When my daisies were in full bloom, my daughter went and delivered bouquets  to several neighbors. The look on her face (and theirs) was one of pure joy. If you’ve ever done an act of kindness, be it buying someone coffee, helping at a shelter, or shoveling a neighbor’s driveway, you understand the rush of good feelings that occur.

The connection between kindness and happiness is real.

This doesn’t mean paying someone’s library fine is immediately going to fix the world. It can, however, bring a little bit of light into a dark space. And that light may multiply and grow. Kindness has a way of reaching far beyond the original act of benevolence and morphing into something much bigger.

Years later, the acts of kindness people experience live on.

If you’re willing share, I’d love to hear your stories of how you’ve been impacted by acts of kindness.

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