Archives for Abuse
This is a story of two little birds, both cockatiels.
It's about a kind of love that is destructive. It's about when love hurts.
It's also about healing, growing, and changing.
Once there were two cockatiels who came to a rescue from a hoarding situation. One was named Mama Bird, and one was named Pretty Boy. They were mother and son.
Pretty Boy was quite pretty. He was gorgeous gray, full feathered, and looked like a healthy cockatiel should.
Mama Bird was not...
"Jessica" (pseudonym) was 18 years old when she enlisted in the Army. She was trained as a mechanic, and enjoyed what she did. The Army provided her the family she didn't have at home and a sense of belonging and stability. At the time, the United States was not engaged in a war. A year later, this would change. Jessica was sent to Afghanistan. While there, she was injured when the truck she was driving hit an IED. After her body healed, and she continued in her unit. Like all service people who serve in a war, Jessica saw and experienced many horrific things. After her time in Afghanistan ended and she was back in the US, Jessica's body wasn't the same. She had an undiagnosed TBI (traumatic brain injury) from the IED. She had intense mood swings. She couldn't concentrate. She had nightmares nearly every night. These were all problems that Jessica felt like she could talk about with other veterans, friends and family. Things like TBI and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) have become well known and understood. What Jessica didn't feel like she could talk about was the rape by her commanding officer, the very person in the chain of command she was expected to report sexual assault to, and who she looked up to like a father.
There is a lot of relationship advice out there; friends, family, and coworkers are willing and eager to share their thoughts. Over the years, I've heard and read some awful pieces of advice. Here are the worst of them. 10. If you love her enough, you can get her to change. ANY advice that has 'change' in it is bad news. You can't make anyone change, and if you expect them to you'll be met not only with resistance and frustration, but failure. 9. No one will ever love you as much as he does. This is a phrase that is often used to keep an individual in an abusive relationship. Love comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It might be true that no one will ever love you exactly like someone else, you will be loved again. Don't allow this bad advice to keep you stuck in a harmful relationship.
Have you ever had a moment when things are going relatively smoothly, then something small happens and your whole world is turned upside down? Often we think that big problems come from big incidents: your spouse divorces you and you become depressed, your house burns down and you have nightmares for weeks, you fight in a war and have PTSD. But trauma doesn't fit so neatly into a box. Some people experience severe trauma with very few lasting side-effects; others go through what many would consider a minor trauma and it has a significant, life-changing impact. So what's going on?
Have you ever wondered what group therapy is all about? Portrayals of fictional group therapy are all over; on TV, in the movies and in literature. But what is real group therapy like? And why would anyone want to open up their soul to other people who are not friends or family? Everyone has been in a group of some sort. Most of people have been in many. In elementary school students are grouped together by skill level for reading or math. In high school they're put into groups for projects. Adults are in work groups, church groups, AA, or groups of friends. All these groups have distinct purposes: to educate, to construct, to build, to learn, to support, or to socialize. In a similar manner, group therapy has a purpose. This is different depending on what type of group therapy you're in.
When a parent gazes at a beautiful sleeping infant, the possibilities of how he or she will grow up are endless and wonderful. No one imagines that their sweet fuzzy-haired infant will morph into a toddler who bites and terrorizes other children, or who refuses to eat anything other than chicken nuggets for days at a time. Parents often imagine that if they just do everything right and provide the best toys and intellectual stimulation for their children, their kids will meet all of their developmental milestones and behave in socially appropriate ways. If only this were true. And while most parents expect to deal with tantrums and coloring on the walls, there are some things that people tend not to talk about when parenting young children.
In an abusive relationship, there is often more than one victim. Family and friends of abuse victims often struggle with feelings of sadness, helplessness and even anger. You may want to rescue the person you love. You may be furious at them for staying in an abusive relationship and not listening to you. You may feel frustrated. You may be confused and hurt. It's hard to understand the power that an abuser has, and the strong forces that compel victims to remain in harmful situations. All of the things you’re feeling are normal. And difficult as it may be to live in the day to day uncertainty that your life entails right now, there are some things that you can do to help the person you love remain strong, and hopefully find the power to get away from the abuse.