One of the most important jobs of a parent is to teach a child what it means to love and to be loved.

When a child learns to love herself, she learns acceptance, pride, self-esteem, and inner strength. When a child learns to love others, he learns how to make connections with others, how it feels to be kind, and how to be vulnerable. When a child learns how to be loved, he learns that he is a person worth loving, that he is valued and wanted.

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Words are powerful, and in a relationship they can be used to both bring people together or push them apart.

As a therapist, I’ve noticed that there are several statements couples commonly make to each other that destroy the foundation of their relationship. Sometimes the words are used deliberately to hurt the other person, and sometimes the destruction comes about through carelessness.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, it’s important to be aware of the impact your words will have on your partner.

Here are the top relationship destroying statements that couples make to each other, and some ideas of what to say instead.

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Have you ever felt as if happiness is something that you have to wait to come to you?

Do you ever wonder why other people are happy, and you’re not?

The good news is that being happy is more of a choice than you might think.

Happiness doesn’t have to be an elusive idea that only some fortunate people are able to obtain. Here are seven simple things you can do to increase your happiness.

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If you’re a parent with a mental illness, or if someone in your  family is mentally ill, you may struggle with how to talk about it with  your children. You may feel embarrassed or even ashamed about your disease.

Even thought it can be difficult, it’s important to create a safe space for kids to hear and ask questions about the illness that affects you or your partner.

Here are five tips to help you get started.

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Many parents have a strong gut-reaction when they discover that their son or daughter has viewed sexually explicit content.

The internet has made hardcore pornography easily accessible to anyone with a computer and online access. 20 years ago a person would have to take multiple steps to see porn. They would have to find out where it’s sold, get to the store, find the gumption to go in and make the purchase. And the magazine would have a beginning and an end.

Now one simply has to Google whatever they’re looking for, and hundreds and thousands of pictures, webcams, and videos pop up, many for free. Unlike the pornography that shows up in print, the internet doesn’t end. A person could look at pornography day and night and still see new images.

As a parent, or adult who works with or cares about kids, here are some things you need to know about online pornography.

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I was at a workshop recently, and the topic of introverts and extroverts emerged. I commented about my own introverted nature, and was met by surprise. Apparently I didn’t fit the image of an introvert that my new friends had in their minds.

Plenty of people in the United States are introverts. The figures vary, but currently it’s generally accepted that about half of the US population are introverted.

The term introvert was first introduced by Carl Jung. And interestingly, the notion of introversion and extroversion is not a matter of being completely one or the other. Personality types, like introversion and extroversion, are on a continuum, and all people have a mixture of both in their personalities.

In this article,  I use the term “introvert” to describe someone who interacts with the world mostly in an introverted fashion, rather  than an extroverted one, and vice versa for extroverts.

The definition of what extroversion and introversion mean is based upon on how an individual sees and reacts to events, objects, or people. Introverts spend a great deal of time monitoring how things impact their inner world. An outside event (or person or object) is described and examined in regards to how it affects them and their history, thoughts, emotions, and feelings. For example, if an introvert is watching kids play, they may be reminded of themselves when  they were little, imagining how care free they felt. An extrovert might comment on how crazy kids dress these days.

In a similar way, introverts gain energy by focusing inward. After spending time around a group of people, introverts feel tired and depleted. It takes effort for them to socialize, and in order to feel more energized they may pull away from the outside world and spend time by themselves. Extroverts find spending time with groups of people or activities to be energizing, and solitude is taxing.

Many people, both extroverts and introverts, carry misconceptions about what it means to be an introvert. Here are four commonly held beliefs that are not accurate.

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Another year of holiday joy is upon us; another year of holiday chaos, stress, and anxiety is here, as well.

For many families, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years are times for reunions, reconnecting, and enjoying one another.

Yet however great the celebrations are, holidays are stressful. Here are six tips for making your holidays as peaceful and stress-free as possible.

1. Don’t over-plan. It can be tempting to arrange to first swing by grandma’s, then see your in-law’s at their home, then return and make a holiday dinner for your family and your out-of-town brother and his five kids. Don’t do it. The holidays are time for reconnecting, but if you’re bitter, grumpy, and yelling at your spouse, you (and the rest of your family) will be miserable and disconnected.
2. Realize that you can’t please everyone. The more people who are involved in a situation, the greater the chance for hurt feelings and misunderstandings. This year your parents might not be able to see the kids open up their presents or you may miss seeing your sisters at Thanksgiving. Do the best that you can with the limited time and energy you have.
3. Make a budget, and stick to it. Don’t go into debt purchasing things you can’t afford, or else come January you’ll regret it.  Families often will have a year when to make all of their gifts by hand, or they’ll do a gift exchange rather than purchasing things for everyone. The holidays are a time for sharing and showing love. You don’t need to purchase anything for this. Remember, you and your family and friends will not remember the gifts you gave them, or the amazing pies you baked. They’ll remember the feelings they experienced, and the stories and laughter shared.
4. Think about what feelings you want to experience during the holidays. Do you want a frantic excited holiday, or a serene and peaceful one? Do you want to be surrounded by tons of people, or have a more intimate time with your loved ones? Plan your day with this in mind.
5. Be aware of your anxiety and stress level. Have an idea of things you can do if you begin feeling your anxiety rise. Some people find that going into a quiet part of the house away from people is helpful. Others seek out their spouse or partner, some people find the resident cat or dog and give it attention, others step outside.
6. Have an escape plan. Seriously. If things get nasty, Aunt Marie has too much whiskey and becomes verbally abusive, or your introvert husband starts hyperventilating, make a graceful exit. It may be enough to simply go out for a walk, or you may need to return home.

Even the best families have conflict and stress, and holidays are notorious for exaggerating stress that is already present. Remember, the world will not end if you leave the party early, if you buy a pie instead of make one from scratch, or if this year you stay home rather than going to your grandparent’s house. Your happiness matters, as does your mental health!

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Pregnancy. It’s a time when parents dream of the child they will someday meet, when they look through baby books for names, decide on nursery decor, and imagine what life will be like when their child arrives.

When these dreams and hopes are cut short by miscarriage, still birth, or the loss of life hours or days after birth, the pain is unmeasurable.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

The statistics on pregnancies that end in miscarriage or neonatal deaths (less than 28 days old) are staggering. One in four women has experienced this kind of loss. And yet there continues to be a shroud of secrecy about it.

Some women feel ashamed of their grief and keep it to themselves. Others believe that something is wrong with them because months or even years after the miscarriage or loss they have to hold back tears when their friends celebrate a new birth, a coworker announces her pregnancy, or they’re invited to a baby shower.

If you have experienced the loss of a child in pregnancy or after birth, whatever you are experiencing is okay. Each person, each family, experiences loss differently. There is no one ‘normal’ or right way to grieve a baby who is gone too soon.

Remember:

• Your loss is individual, and there is no clear road-map as to how your grief will be expressed and experienced.
• Many parents take pictures of their child who was born still, hold them, rock them, and talk to them. It’s natural to need to say goodbye.
• Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the life that could have been. There is no time-line as to when your grief will ease.
• It’s okay to talk about your child to others. Your son’s or daughter’s  life may have been cut short, but it still mattered and it was still real.
• You may feel alone in this, but know that pregnancy loss is something that many, many women experience. Sadly,  few people  talk about it.
• It’s okay to reach out to others for support. It’s okay to not know what you need, or to need different things at different times.
• Allow the people in your life to love you. Your partner may also be grieving, but in a different way. Talk to him or her. Allow yourself to be comforted and listened to.  There are people in your life who do truly care.
• You may be plagued by feelings that you did something wrong, or should have done something differently. When a pregnancy is lost, people search for an answer; it gives a feeling of control to believe that a different course of action could have had a different outcome. Yet often there is no answer, and nothing could have been done to prevent the loss. Be gentle with yourself.
• Find the support you need. Look for a support group, a counselor, or an online group. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Loss of any kind is hard, but the loss of a child in pregnancy or after birth is especially so. The death of an infant is the death of the future you imagined. In many ways, you are forced to reinvent what you had thought your life would be. You’ll be reminded constantly of what you don’t have. You’ll be angry when parents complain of midnight feedings and cranky toddlers because it reminds you of your empty arms and that you would give anything to have a baby to feed and comfort.

As much as it hurts, it will get better. And healing doesn’t mean forgetting. You will never forget, but you will heal.

There are many good resources on the internet. Here are just a few of them:

http://www.october15th.com/

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsurvivingemotionally.html

http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/sids-suid/

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/sbsurvivingemotionally.html

Image from Shutterstock

It’s fall here in the United States. For much of the country, this means darker skies, shorter days, and colder temperatures. For many people, the change in season can also mean an increase in depressive symptoms.

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka SAD)?

SAD is a type of depression that occurs during a change in season, usually fall and winter. People who suffer from SAD have many of the same symptoms as those with depression: lack of energy, feelings of hopelessness, withdrawing from friends and family, weight gain, and not enjoying things that one used to enjoy.

How many people experience SAD?

Many people experience seasonal affective disorder. According to Dr. Norman Rosenthal,  6 percent of the people in the United States suffer from SAD ¹. This does not include the number of people who experience a less severe form of seasonal depression – the winter blues. SAD is more common in the northern areas of the United States, and less common in areas of the south where there is more sunshine.

How is SAD treated?

There are several treatments for SAD. Like major depressive disorder, SAD can be treated with psychotherapy and medication. But SAD also responds very well to light therapy. Light therapy uses a full spectrum, intense light to help decrease depressive symptoms.

What is the difference between SAD and clinical depression?

People who experience SAD have the same symptoms as people with major depressive disorder. However, major depressive disorder is not limited to the darker days of fall and winter.

Tips for surviving SAD

1. Watch what you eat. You may feel like loading up on carbohydrates, alcohol, and processed foods, but try and avoid this. Poor diet can contribute to mood swings and lack of energy. Fish has lots of good omega-3 fatty acids. Vitamin D, which people naturally get through sunlight, can be lacking in the winter, and is a good supplement to take.
2. Make sure you get enough exercise, preferably outside. Exercise naturally improves mood and helps with sleep.
3. Consider investing in a light box. You can pick them up without a prescription, and many people have found them useful for decreasing SAD symptoms.
4. Don’t isolate yourself. Spend time with others, even if you have to force yourself to. Isolation can lead to increased depression.
5. Do something fun. Take a class, join a book club, begin writing a memoir, go bowling, blog, or start collecting garden gnomes. Do something new.
6. If your seasonal depression becomes worse, seek treatment. Reach out to your physician or mental health provider. Medication or counseling may be needed to get you through the season.

photo from Shutterstock

The search for happiness is universal. People from everywhere and in all circumstance seek this illusive thing called happiness.

Can you remember the last time you were happy?

Was it hours ago?

Days?

Weeks?

Years?

What was happening in your life at the time? What made you happy?

Happiness is a goal for many people. But there are different ideas floating around about what exactly makes people happy.

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