When I began this blog experiment, I hoped for comments and responses to my posts, but I didn’t think that I would actually get any. The responses that I received to my post titled When Your Conscience Gets in the Way of No-Strings Sex really made me think and continue to work through my emotional baggage.
Now I want to be upfront with the fact that I don’t have a degree in psychology, social work or any related discipline that qualifies me to give advice. My comments are purely based on my life experiences and what I’ve learned through my own therapy. So here comes the disclaimer …
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Kenneth
4:29 pm on
March 22nd, 2010It’s interesting when I read this because I have mixed feelings. I am involved in a BDSM group and the ground rules there are pretty set in stone, though they are different for each person. But the point is that flirting is seen as harmless fun and most often it is because we all understand the rules. There are specific negotiations that go on the determines any activity beyond friendly.
However, in the “vanilla” world those rules are not so set in stone and there is no actual specific negotiation of the relationship and so we are left in a sea of uncertainty. Combine that with the belief in the “vanilla” world that flirting leads to more and you have the potential of real emotional damage.
I’m with Kenneth. I’ve never seen flirting as anything but a pleasant diversion, not as a means to an end. I certainly don’t view it as manipulative, although I realize that some people do, apparently, see it as such when there’s no escalation to pursuing further interaction.
That’s silly, as far as I’m concerned. Flirting is a pleasant interaction, a way for adults to pay attention to each other in a positive manner without crossing any boundaries. We can (or should be able to) do so while being completely polite and proper, without causing anyone to get jealous or feel slighted. It’s a simple exercise of our social muscles, nothing more. Too many of our social interactions are negative, so why not practice the pleasant ones more frequently?
I’m amazed that it comes as a revelation to you that honesty and authenticity are the way forward. Also a bit irritated that you have to thank therapy constantly. Couldn’t you have worked it out for yourself? Or perhaps the relationship with your therapist was the first authentic one of your life? Some of us are born authentic, and are authentic 24/7. And yes, we’re simply /terrible/ at flirting! I wish I had some of your ability to manipulate.
Ronie
5:54 am on
September 10th, 2010Thanks for the post.
Richmond, if you don’t like the blog, don’t read it.
Yes there is a fine line between flirting and friendly. I apparently can’t seem to figure it out for the life of me. I know in my mind when I’m flirting and trying to elicit a response that would go along the lines of “Can I get your number?” But a lot of other males I know don’t seem to. It just seems like if I have a conversation with a guy (even ones I know, that I am supposedly friends with) I’m accused of flirting and leading them on. Why? Cause I laughed a joke you said that was funny? I’m just a friendly and sociable person. I treat men and women the same in my daily, day to day interactions. I think a lot of it has to do with the perception of the other person too. I know women also that read into things that guys do as flirting when in fact there is none. So I’m not just saying it’s guys. I had a friend try to kiss me one night when we were out. It was a bunch of us, girls and guys, seeing a band play. I backed up and asked him what he was doing and he said well you’ve been flirting with me all night. I asked How? Cause I was talking to you? He didn’t really have a response. This has happened to me a few times in the past. And there have also been guys that I had a crush on for a couple months or so, flirted with them and they had no idea. One way or another they found out from a mutual friend that I liked them and only then did they put 2 and 2 together. So, yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with the other person’s perspective.
Melinda
12:13 pm on
October 18th, 2010Wow, Ronie, I agree with you!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of flirting simply because I was being nice to another person.
Some people believe that because you’re being friendly, this is a sexual invitation. No, it is not.
Some people perceive things incorrectly and they assume things that aren’t true.
I would be horrified if a male “friend” assumed that I was flirting with him and tried to kiss me without my consent! That would be embarrassing and uncomfortable on both sides, especially if I have no interest in anything beyond friendship.
Athirson
11:56 am on
September 19th, 2011RE: Now I want to be upfront with the fact that I don’t have a degree in psychology, social work or any related discipline that qualifies me to give advice. My comments are purely based on my life experiences and what I’ve learned through my own therapy.
This is the best type of advice. There is no substitute for real world experience. In my opinion, the so called experts need to come down from their ivory towers and get their hands dirty once in awhile. Papers, degrees and credentials don’t mean squat.
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