Recently I picked up a book on learning theory for work, Lost Subjects, Contested Objects: Toward a Psychoanalytic Inquiry of Learning. It was recommended by a colleague, so I read it specifically to gain insight on my work in the education field. Second to my three years in intense therapy – this turned out to be the biggest “a-ha” moment in my quest for good mental/emotional health.
“[The] desire for purity compels one to project what is impure in the self onto others…. the narcissist must hate the body of the other because it cannot be the same the same body as the ego’s. The projection involved is essentially one that returns, but in the form of a threat.”
Three sentences that encapsulate my journey of self-destruction. I wanted so much to be “good” that what I hated most about myself I projected onto others. My ego was making me “hate” other people and treat them inappropriately because I was projecting my bad qualities onto them. What I hated most about myself was making me hate others even though they had done nothing to me.