Girls are often stereotyped as dreaming about their futures – who they will marry, what their wedding will be like, how many kids will they have, designing their big house in the suburbs…
Admittedly when I was younger (okay, up until about three years ago), I too pondered these questions. Obviously none of them have been answered. I think I was jinxed thirteen years ago when on a folly I went to a Vera Wang boutique and played dress-up in a couple of pricey wedding gowns.
Anyway, I’ve never dated a man who has vocalized any sentiments like that. I was two years into a relationship with Russell before we talked about buying a house together (and that didn’t end well). Girls are also stereotyped as being clingy and trying to get more serious faster than the man wants to.
So color me surprised when Frank (aka “The Plumber”) practically moved himself into my condo after dating for a couple of weeks and coming over every night. What really set me off was the fact that he used my toothbrush and razor … eeewww! He didn’t even ask before using them, if he had I would have given him a new one.
On sa ide note, he also used copiously amounts of my expensive eye cream. When I pointed out the toothbrush/razor thing, he mentioned sweetly that they weren’t his favorite types of razors. So the next day he shows up with a can of shaving cream and a new razor. These are types of things rom-com movies usually stereotype girls as doing – moving personal items in, staying over every night.
Keep in mind that Frank is a man’s-man: a plumber, a major in the National Guard, drives a truck. He’s muscular and all about sex with women. So please explain to me how can one minute he be all over me and wanting me to talk dirty to him and tell stories of sex with past boyfriends (yuck- I’ll get to that later) yet the next he’s asking about what I would like for my dream wedding. I was so stunned by the question that I laughed out loud. But then I refused to answer it. I laughed again saying that it was a silly question.
The real reason I didn’t answer is because I was scared – scared about my feelings for him and about sharing intimate details like my “dream wedding.” I didn’t want to imagine myself getting married to him, because I didn’t want to get my heart broken if it didn’t come true. How’s that for closing myself off from someone!
I totally recognized what I was doing. In the past I wouldn’t have been aware of why I was saying or doing that, but even with the awareness, I was still uncomfortable with sharing information like that.
Back to the dirty talk. Ironically enough the other day I saw the “Sex and the City” episode where Miranda dates a “dirty talker.” She can’t reciprocate the dirty talk because it weirds her out. Me too. I can do good orgasm sounds and a couple of “Oh yes,” “More” and “I like it” but I’m not a fan of telling where to put things and how to do it. And the thing that really gets me … asking me to tell him about sex with my exes while we’re having sex! I
told him no way! When I’m “with” someone, I’m “with” them. I don’t want to think or talk about anyone else. I know that some people are all into the whole fantasy thing but to me that takes the meaning and romance out of being with the person you are with. If you’re in a healthy, loving, committed relationship then the sex should be about the two of you, not about fantasizing about adding other people into the mix.
And P.S. – ask before you use someone else’s toothbrush!
Photo by Josef Seibel, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.
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Last reviewed: 11 Apr 2011