I’m one big walking horny cliché.  Today was my first Saturday afternoon to myself in over a month.  So I grabbed some DVDs and parked my ass on the couch.  I popped in season one of “Californication” – this was my first problem.  If you know the show, you probably can guess what I’m referring to.  It’s one super-charged sex romp with a good story line.  Too many naked people and sex scenes – that is, too many if you are horny and haven’t had sex in almost two years.

Oy!  It was all I could do to stop myself from calling up my “friend with benefits,” who happens to be a sailor.  Yes, one of those … a USDA prime, actual Navy sailor.

I swore to myself that I would never f#*k a sailor, but what can I say, I’m a sucker for those dress whites.  He was just as good in bed as I imagined he would be.  But I digress …. As I regretted deleting his number from my cell phone – yes I checked to see if I still had the number – I contemplated what else would satiate my horniness.

It was time to break out “B.O.B” (Battery Operated Boyfriend) and the porn, really bad 20-year old porn on VHS tape.  Yes, VHS tape – I’m old school.  It’s the only reason I keep a VHS player in the house.

I got about my ‘business.’  Afterwards I had a mixture of emotions – my ‘itch’ has been scratched, but I still feel the emptiness.  Even sex-for-sex-sake involves a connection with another person.  That’s what I miss about not having sex – I miss the connection with a man.

The cliché continues as I make my way into the kitchen and make a big pan of brownies.  Chocolate to sooth the soul.  At least I don’t have a cat, that would really complete the cliché.  I like to think I’m a dozen cats away from being the sad, old spinster lady.

What’s a girl to do?  Well right now I’m going to eat more chocolate and watch the rest of season one of “Californication.”  I turned 36 last week and damn — it I’m fine with who and what I am!

Bring on the batteries!

Photo by Nick Stone, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.

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    Last reviewed: 28 Jan 2011