The post, “When your therapist breaks up with you,” surprisingly elicited more comments than any other I’ve written so far.  I knew that the title was suggestive, but I thought it was a humorous …

… deflective measure for the abandonment I felt when Roger told me he was leaving his practice.   Upon reading the first few responses, I started to feel defensive towards Roger.  I wanted to write a comment that would contradict the intentions the “Commenters” were assigning to him.  But then I realized that wasn’t my responsibility.

The general consensus of commenters is that Roger asked to read my blog out of some sort of self-serving curiosity or narcissistic tendency.  Maybe he should have read the blog sooner so that he could have addressed some of the thoughts that I expressed in writing during our sessions.  That might have been helpful.  Actually, most of the blogs were written after I had a session with him.

Writing directly after our meetings made me actively reflect on the issues that arose through our work.  It was a way for me to do some “processing” outside of our sessions.  I’m not sure if Roger has continued to read my blog since our work has ended – it doesn’t matter to me one way or the other.  I would like to echo the sentiments that commenter “Miranda Palmer” made, “Therapists and counselors are still getting the hang of the online world. It sounds like your therapist probably had very specific reasons for the choices he made. If he truly just wanted to satisfy his curiosity, he could have done so in secret.”

My advice to therapists/counselors whose clients write blogs would be to include the writings in the client’s “work” in their sessions as a companion to the dialogue.

I bear some of the blame for my “exit strategy.”  I was paralyzed by having to make a decision on what to do – continue with another therapist, go at it on my own.  In the past I had made the mistake of thinking I was “cured,” deciding to wean myself off my anti-depressants, which totally blew up in my face.  Truth be told, I still haven’t decided whether or not to start with one of the therapists Roger recommended.

Having never been involved in such a deep relationship with a therapist, I wasn’t sure what my options were.  It would have been interesting to explore the idea of a transitional meeting with Roger and a new therapist.  I had asked Roger if I could see my records from our sessions.  He said that unfortunately they wouldn’t be much help, as due to insurance regulations they were written in “diagnostic language” (my words) that wouldn’t reveal much to me.  I can sign a records release form and pass along the file to my new therapist if that interests them.

Roger was the first male therapist I had worked with.  I’m a believer in the idea that life provides us the circumstances and people we need to learn from at that moment, so working with a male therapist was something I needed to do to slog through my issues with men and get past my distrust of women in positions of authority.  Perhaps my next therapist should be a woman …

“TPG” made a good point about distinguishing between “exhibitionism” and “being seen.”  I definitely wanted to “be seen,” especially by men, to fulfill the neglect I felt from my father.  The desire to “be seen” manifested itself as “exhibitionism” in me.  I’m not referring to the definition in which one exposes their nether-regions for excitement.  I like Dictionary.com’s definition: “a tendency to display one’s abilities or to behave in such a way as to attract attention.”  This revealed itself in my inappropriate flirting with men so that they would pay attention to me, and by sub-consciously (although totally intentionally) being rude or provoking others so that I could gain the upper hand of a situation — Although it always backfired on me. Unfortunately, it took  20 years and cost me many friends before I figured that one out.

As far as the blog being an “exhibitionist” act, well yeah.  If I didn’t want to “be seen,” I wouldn’t have started working out my issues in a public forum.  Only two people, other than Roger, know of this blog and they are close friends who have been constant supporters throughout my tumultuous journey in the past three years.  Obviously the person who’s attention I want the most has no idea I’m writing about how f*%ked up I am because of the decisions he made.  Do I want my father to read this – yes, of course – but I’m afraid that it will destroy the tenuous nature of our new relationship, which has balanced out to a mutual understanding that I’m doing all the work on my daddy-issues and he ignores all my requests for deep discussion about our emotional problems.

As for my mother, she’s my best friend and I don’t hide anything from her, but I’m afraid that she’ll feel as if she was a bad mother (nothing could be further from the truth) when she reads some of my thoughts.

One last thing from a Commenter – “Annapurna” wrote, “Well, Kate, your blog was compelling, mostly for the arrogant quality of your therapist as your touchstone for ‘reality.’ It seems to me that you have far more awareness and mastery over your own mental states than he is willing to reflect back to you.”

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a therapist (and I actually got a ‘C’ in Psych 101 at college) so I’m not too in-touch with psychological theory, but I was under the impression that a therapist was supposed to be a patient’s touchstone for reality.  When I entered therapy I existed in my own twisted, ignorant reality.  He was able to ask the right questions and help me dig out my balanced, conscious reality.  He was the mirror and touchstone that I needed to awaken my consciousness and become aware of my actions and reactions.  The awareness and mastery that I have now, that he mirrored back to me, is only because of the work that I did with him.  My family, friends and co-workers will attest to the fact that I am much-changed in the past three years due to the work that I did with Roger.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (June 19, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 19 Jun 2010