When I began this blog experiment, I hoped for comments and responses to my posts, but I didn’t think that I would actually get any. The responses that I received to my post titled When Your Conscience Gets in the Way of No-Strings Sex really made me think and continue to work through my emotional baggage.

Now I want to be upfront with the fact that I don’t have a degree in psychology, social work or any related discipline that qualifies me to give advice. My comments are purely based on my life experiences and what I’ve learned through my own therapy.  So here comes the disclaimer …
… take my comments for what they are: one person’s experiences informing another’s. Please consult your own therapist, mental health professional, or psychoanalysis book and think about how my opinions relate to your experiences.

One reader asked, “Is there a constructive way to get fatherly attention from a man other than your father [post-childhood]?”  The short answer to this is “not really.” I had an “a-ha” moment in my most recent therapy appointment. My therapist asked me why I never felt the need to flirt with him or manipulate him. I told him that I knew that he would see right through any manipulation and that it wouldn’t work on him. Then I realized, I wasn’t flirting with him because I didn’t want anything from him. We entered into our “relationship” on a level playing field – I knew exactly where each of us stood and what was expected out of our “roles.” Subconsciously, I realized that if our therapist/patient relationship was going to work, I had to be authentic and honest.

Flirting is a slippery slope. Flirting is a form of manipulation. It gives men the wrong idea. I’m tuning my own “fine line” between being friendly and flirting. It’s hard. Flirting should be reserved only for men you are interested in dating, or the man you are married to. Unfortunately, men of my father’s generation (baby boomers) were raised by men (Depression/WWII generation) who weren’t used to or expected to show or express emotions, especially towards their daughters. If you are looking for fatherly attention, my advice would be to dissect exactly what type of attention you are looking for. For example, if you need a mentor to give you career advice or coaching, seek out a male colleague whom you admire professionally and ask if they will mentor you. If you seek affirmations on your work performance to help ally feelings of inadequacy, talk with your boss (man or woman) and let them know that you would like to have a regular “temperature check” on your work progress.

Flirting is a power-trip. It gives the flirter a sense of control over the flirtee. I used to feel insecure about relating to men, but then when I found out that by giving them attention (i.e. flirting), they responded to me with attention, which I craved. It was one of the reasons that I hung on to my hostessing job at a friend’s restaurant for so long. I enjoyed flirting with the older male patrons who came in. Their egos were stroked with attention from a young woman, and I got attention from men. I got high off the attention and witty banter, but afterward I always felt yucky. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but now I realized it was because the attention wasn’t filling the void. To fill that void for fatherly attention, I needed to sort out my emotional baggage and fill the void with positive interactions with men.

I received one response about this post from a man who had been the target of attention-seeking flirtation. He said,

I’ve been on the receiving end of such attention needfulness, and to say that it’s extremely frustrating to receive this kind of attention barely scratches the surface. Actions that would normally conjure up a date turn out to be nothing but a sham, designed only to see if you would get hooked and respond in kind. It’s one thing to get turned down, but quite another to be given hints of possibilities which could never possibly happen.

I want to thank him for weighing in on this from the male perspective. I now see how flirting can be emotionally destructive for the flirter and flirtee. It is needy. It is greedy. Flirting is teasing – if you don’t expect to take a relationship further than a friendship, don’t do it! Don’t flirt with your boss, clients, co-workers, friends’ husbands, or any married man. Think about what image you are projecting to the other person. At a previous job, I was flirting with a co-work whom I thought I might want to date. He obviously picked up on it because one day I turned around and he had brought two other guys with him into my office.  What an uncomfortable situation. I had become an object to be ogled (not hard at a university filled with nerdy men and not many ‘sexual’ women). I realized that I had put myself in a bad position, but it was enjoyable to get all that attention. A similar experience tested me at my new job. Two (not very attractive) co-workers were helping me with my computer and started asking me questions trying to discern my age. For a moment, I was happy with the attention of two men, but then I realized I didn’t see any “deeper” relationship opportunity with them. I didn’t want anything more from them, except new software installed on my computer, so I nicely thanked them for their help and excused myself to lunch. I extracted myself from what could have descended into an icky situation.

Through my therapy and intrapersonal work, I’ve been able to dissect my subconscious intentions for my actions. These realizations have made me more aware of my actions and reactions. Not only am I more emotionally stable, but I think I’m a better person to be around.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (March 22, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (March 22, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 22 Mar 2010