I suffer with borderline personality disorder and although my partner and I have been through some very rough patches, we are so much stronger for the compassion, patience and understanding he has shown me. Together we’ve learnt that every one, whether bpd or not, is guilty of using some sort of manipulation to get what they want, or feel (sometimes not even consciously) they need emotionally. Blaming each other does not help the situation. EVERYONE hurts those closest to them (and sometimes others) when they are in pain themselves.

I agree that no one deserves to be emotionally abused. I also believe that if the reasons behind it are sought out, an agreement is made to work hard at the relationship and egos are put aside by both parties, there is a real chance at achieving a relationship that is as intensely positive as it had been negative.

I note that you have mentioned the fact that bpd’s abuse is unintentional but I don’t think it’s fair that there is no mention of why bpd’s may ‘act out’ more so than others. You explain for the benefit of the non-bpd partner that “People who are emotionally abused have a slow erosion of self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of self-worth. They begin to question their own thoughts and ability to judge a situation accurately, because their abuser is constantly telling them they are wrong.”

I would have thought this article was a bit less biased if you had explained that the majority of the lashing out by the person with bpd is due to THEM possibly having experienced one or more periods of such abuse themselves, often during their childhood. After being diagnosed only a year ago, after 14 years of fear, self-loathing and pain, I now constantly feel like my world is being turned upside down and really small things make me continuously question my reality. Imagine that? It’s like I’m learning to live and how to just be all over again. The concentration and dedication it takes to control the confusion and insecurity this brings is so intense and such hard work that the impact of this on my social skills has been dramatic. It’s hard interacting normally and calmly with people that I’ve been close to for my whole life.

Any progress I’ve made is by being helped made aware of my behaviour in a gentle, un-accusing, understanding and positive way. I wanted to write in response to this article as even my partner acknowledges that most articles about people with borderline personality disorder are so damning, painting a picture of such a monster! If he hadn’t realised that underneath that monster there was a frightened little girl, literally killing herself and crying out to be understood, I don’t know where I would be now. All I am trying to convey is that it is very difficult for those without bpd to appreciate how difficult it is for us to regulate our emotions. For example, the intensity of pain I feel for simple things like missing the bus and being late for work can feel the same as visiting someone I love in hospital. Trying to regulate this while doing take-for-granted tasks like having a light conversation is like playing the piano whilst baking a cake. My husband knows this so he cuts me some slack if I might snap at him and it’s this calm compassion that puts my behaviour into perspective which often leads to me offering a speedy apology, making us both feel better. We’re both only human and we do still have blazing rows every few months but we know that it’s not about the arguments that we have, it’s how we deal with them that’s important. It is his forgiveness for these small things and how I treated him A LOT worse before my diagnosis that has given me the strength to finally forgive, love and heal myself.