So, you’re married to an ADHDer. You’ve hitched your cart to a shooting star that’s ricocheting all over the universe, a runaway locomotive with no regard for staying on the rails. You’ve thrown in with a one person gang of time-thieves who live for fun and instant gratification, a Robin Hood, of sorts, who steals from the organized and adds to the scattered clutter.

So what’s the down side?

Okay, it does sound a little doom and gloom, but it sounds like adventure too, doesn’t it? And yes, it can be. ADHDers bring that to relationships, along with spontaneity and excitement. And, oh that hyperfocus. When you’re the target of that, it can sweep you off your feet.

Forewarned is forearmed!

In fact, if a little bit of attention goes a long way with you, beware the ADHDer’s courting, you’ll be dazed for days, and when it lulls, the contrast will leave you feeling very much abandoned.

But back to the established partnership…

If you’re in a relationship with a person with ADHD, there are things you’ll need to be aware of to make it work. And since ADHDers don’t come with manuals (or maybe they do, but they’ve misplaced them) there are things they need to be aware of that they may not know either. Remember, many ADHDers aren’t diagnosed ’til later in life, they may not have had time to learn everything about their condition.  And no two ADHDers are alike, so they’ll need to learn what symptoms they have and how those affect them.

So, if you’ve dedicated yourself to being the partner of an ADHDer, here’s the first rule to making it a success: learn as much as you can about your partner.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can run in families, so it makes sense that if your partner has it, your child might as well. Often, the adult goes undiagnosed until the child develops problems in school, and the assessment process begins for the child. At that point, the adult often realizes that they, too, have similar symptoms that may not have been previously recognized. ADHD is a relatively new diagnosis, so many adults of child-bearing age went through school before ADHD was something with a name.

While it is great that your partner and child have a diagnosis and there is treatment, having two people in the house with ADHD–one of whom is supposed to shoulder a lot of the “adult responsibilities”–can be a recipe for chaos and frustration.

How do you handle having an adult partner and a child with ADHD?

Bringing up the topic of a partner’s mental illness with family and friends can feel tricky. In some cases, it might be obvious that there is something wrong, but many mental illnesses can’t be detected from the outside. However, that doesn’t mean you and your partner don’t need and deserve support from understanding family and friends.

Asking for that support can feel uncomfortable, though, given the stigma that still exists around mental illness, and cultural perceptions that we should keep personal problems to ourselves.

Every so often, I like to share with my readers resources that I have found elsewhere on the Internet. Today I’d like to introduce you to “Patient Voices,” a New York Times online resource that highlights multiple patient stories for myriad illnesses, including ADHD, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, OCD, PTSD, and schizophrenia. If your partner has one of these illnesses, or perhaps another type of physical illness, these interactive clips may give you new insight into your partner’s experience.

Let me know which ones you watched and what you thought. Also, what are some of your favorite resources for learning about mental illness? Post them in the comments below!

Jim’s drinking was clearly out of control…he had been up for over 24 hours, and the beer bottles lying around numbered over thirty. Yet he refuses to see a counselor, saying that he “doesn’t have a problem and doesn’t need help!”

Jane’s mother, Sally, age 76, can barely make her way through her own house because of the clutter and items she has accumulated. Jane is concerned for her mother’s safety, but Sally will not allow Jane to clean the house or throw anything away. The more Jane insists, the stronger Sally’s resistance. It’s gotten to the point where Sally has told Jane she is not welcome to visit anymore, and Jane cannot figure out how to help.

Josh has not been feeling like himself for a long time now: he lost his job six months ago and his girlfriend of two years broke up with him a few weeks ago. He’s finding himself sleeping through the day and staying up all night, gaming online and looking at porn. He knows he should be job hunting, but really, he doesn’t care anymore. He’s lost 20 pounds, and when he does see his friends, they are shocked at the changes. But when they ask questions, Josh blows them off and says, “I’m fine.”

All three of these people are great candidates for therapy, but none of them will go. Why?

Recent news headlines may be stating the obvious for you and your partner: ADHD medications are in short supply here in the U.S. Has your partner gone to have their meds refilled, only to be told, “We don’t have any, and we don’t know when we’ll get more?”

Yikes!

There’s no doubt that ADHD medications make a difference for those who take them. They help with focus, concentration, and ability to get through the day. If your partner can’t get their medications, however, Plan B for managing life needs to be implemented. And actually, these tips are useful even if your partner is on medication, as organization and coordination can still be an issue, even when your partner is properly medicated.

Here are some strategies for your partner to minimize ADHD symptoms:

Did you know that nearly half of adults in the U.S. with symptoms of diagnosable ADHD don’t know they have it?

Are you thinking, “How could my partner not have a diagnosis??? He (or she) can never sit still for a minute, remember to pay the bills, or manage the money, let alone pay attention to me!”

Well, ADHD has only been diagnosed in adults since the 1980s. Since it is usually caught in childhood, if your partner wasn’t assessed back then, they may have slipped through the cracks. Until now.

I wasn’t terribly surprised this morning when my client with ADHD, whom I’ve been working with on and off since last spring, told me that her job search had lapsed since I last met with her in June. Given the state of the economy and the particular competitive field she is in, it’s not exactly fun and motivating to look for employment right now. She has the best of intentions, but it just hadn’t been happening.

The problem is, she has a family to help support and she’s seeing strains in her relationship with her partner. When I asked what her thoughts were about how her partner might be feeling about her underemployment and lack of drive in searching for a new job, I heard a lot of “should” statements: he thinks she should have a better job, he thinks they should have more in savings, he thinks she should be doing more to contribute.

All of those are legitimate feelings.

But…he also has a partner with ADHD, and employment issues are a tricky subject. Just ask Zoe, one of our resident ADHD experts here on Psych Central, who has written several great posts on work from the perspective of someone with ADHD.

When your partner is not feeling well, it’s natural to become reactive, doing whatever it takes to get through the current crisis of the moment, and hoping this is the last time.

Taking a more proactive approach to managing the symptoms of your partner’s illness, however, is more effective and empowering, both for you and your partner as individuals, and for your relationship as a whole. Working together to identify a “What Works” list that can be referenced when the illness appears eliminates confusion, frustration, and the feeling of helplessness.

This technique works no matter what illness your partner has. Both of you should work together to create this list, and agree that when the illness appears, both of you will reference this list in order to figure out how to stop the cycle.

Sleep is one of those things that we take for granted when it’s going well, and spend a lot of time complaining about when it’s not.

Sleep issues are one of the top complaints my clients have when talking about what’s not going well in their lives. It’s estimated that 65-90% of people with depression experience insomnia, while on the other end of the spectrum, people who are in a depressive phase of bipolar disorder report hypersomnia (excessive sleeping).

How well your partner with a mental illness sleeps can have a huge impact on their day-to-day functioning. Problems with sleep are one of the diagnostic criterion for depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, and not getting enough–or getting too much–can cause real havoc for someone with a mental illness. An added bonus: by following these tips, you might sleep better too!