It was Faith’s second birthday, and her mom and beloved aunt were ready to give Faith a cupcake with a candle on it to celebrate. Faith’s father, Chris, however, was on the phone with the real estate agent, and couldn’t be bothered to stop what he was doing to be with his little girl.
Faith’s aunt was furious–how could Chris not understand that it was time to focus on his child? Faith was only going to turn two once. Faith’s mom repeatedly pleaded that Chris come join them in the celebration. But, no, Chris continued what he was doing, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his wife and sister-in-law were furious with him, and that what he was doing seemed bizarre and wrong.
Chris might just be clueless and self-absorbed, but it’s more likely he has Asperger’s Syndrome.
Asperger’s is a lifelong developmental disorder that mainly manifests in the inability to successfully relate emotionally to others during everyday interactions. There is a lack of awareness in interpreting social cues, which is a skill that most of us take for granted.
In the opening example, Chris was not intentionally being rude. He just could not comprehend that was he was doing was wrong. In his mind, someone had called on the phone and requested information prior to his wife and sister-in-law requesting his presence for the birthday celebration. Since he had not finished answering the first question, it made no sense to him to stop what he was doing to be with his daughter, which had been requested second. People with Asperger’s are logical to a fault…and often at the expense of the feelings of others.
Asperger’s in adults is often not diagnosed until problems in the relationship have already rooted themselves deeply. Common issues partners of those with Asperger’s face include:
Research suggests that the divorce rate for those with Asperger’s is 80%.
What can be done?
There is no magic pill that can be given to help those with Asperger’s, and the younger the person at diagnosis, the better the outcome. However, since Asperger’s is still a fairly new diagnosis, many adults who have it couldn’t have been diagnosed as children, even though it’s likely that people around them knew something was wrong.
For the family members, counseling can help with learning to overcome feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment, and anxiety. The counselor can also provide psychoeducation about Asperger’s and help you to better understand what your family is dealing with.
For the person with Asperger’s, treatment is more difficult. For one thing, the person with Asperger’s often doesn’t realize there is anything wrong with their behavior. They may be shocked to find out that you are upset with them, and not understand what the problem is. Ergo, going for treatment themselves makes little sense. If the person does realize something is wrong, social skills training is more effective in learning about how to interact with other appropriately. Social skills training involves learning how to read facial expressions and body language cues, and how to have conversations that are appropriate and socially-acceptable. It is hard work to learn these skills that come naturally to the rest of us. Your partner needs to be willing and able to put the effort in and accept feedback, which generally does not come easy for these folks.
Resources
The Other Half of Asperger’s Syndrome: A Yahoo! group for partners of people with Asperger’s
Book: 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man With Asperger’s Syndrome
Temple Grandin on TED Talks
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Last reviewed: 7 Mar 2012
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Site last updated: 22 May 2013
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I feel like I am drowning in my marriage and very alone. I read that there is hope for my Asperger’s husband and my marriage, but somedays I don’t think I have the strength to keep going. I cannot get a word in edgewise, he doesn’t listen when I am able to talk and I feel like I have a grown child to take care of. No sexual/romantic interaction to speak of and I am very frustrated.
Any advice?
Dear Pet’s Girl,
I just divorced my asperger’s husband. Do not get pregnant, do not! I promise you it is hell. you do not want sex with this person. Don’t bother discussing lack of romance with him or anyone. file for divorce immediately with the meanest, toughest lawyer you can find. It is going to cost you all of your money anyways so you might as well be protected. Do not give in on anything. You will never get consideration for yielding on anything so don’t ever give in. He will never be reasonable, ever. He will get vicious because he doesn’t understand why you would want to get away and money and control are the only ways he can understand the normal world. Autism is a scourge and I am sick of people feeling sorry for them. They may have “empathy” but they are totally UNREASONABLE and willing to do anything to get their way–including abuse of children! You think his is not violent-just test him honey, you won’t like what you see.
Thank goodness I don’t have this condition. I’m neurotypical.