When your partner is not feeling well, it’s natural to become reactive, doing whatever it takes to get through the current crisis of the moment, and hoping this is the last time.

Taking a more proactive approach to managing the symptoms of your partner’s illness, however, is more effective and empowering, both for you and your partner as individuals, and for your relationship as a whole. Working together to identify a “What Works” list that can be referenced when the illness appears eliminates confusion, frustration, and the feeling of helplessness.

This technique works no matter what illness your partner has. Both of you should work together to create this list, and agree that when the illness appears, both of you will reference this list in order to figure out how to stop the cycle.

Julie A. Fast, author of Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner, originally created the idea of a “What Works” list for managing the cyclical nature of bipolar disorder. I am adapting her ideas here so that this tool can be effective for any illness.

Creating and Using Your “What Works” List

• Identify with your partner the major signs of their illness. If your partner is depressed, this might include things such as lying on the couch all day, missing work, and neglecting responsibilities. If your partner is anxious, you might list things like avoiding social situations, excessive rumination about whatever makes them anxious, or OCD behaviors. For bipolar disorder, it could be when your partner shows signs of being manic, or is irritated with you, or is not taking their meds. Be sure to consider signs of illness that fall into these categories (from p. 42 of Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder):
  1. What your partner says
  2. Relations with others
  3. What your partner thinks
  4. Work or school obligations
  5. What your partner does
  6. Sexual behavior
  7. Physical signs of the illness
  8. Eating, alcohol, drugs, medication
  9. Changes in daily activities
  10. Spending behavior
  11. Sleep schedule
  12. Exercise level
• Discuss with your partner what they want and need when symptoms surface. Now that you have a list of the signs of illness, decide with your partner what they would like you to do to help them when these signs appear. Fast recommends questions like these to generate discussion with your partner:
  1. When you’re depressed and lying on the couch, what’s the best way for me to help you get off the couch and do something you enjoy doing?
  2. When showing signs of being manic, what’s the best way for me to help you contact your doctor?
  3. When you get really angry and I see you hit something or slam a door, what can I do to help you calm down?

• Learn to respond instead of reacting. Fast explains that when we react to partner symptoms of illness, we sometimes make things worse because we are often coming from a place of frustration (“Why can’t you just stop this?”). If we respond to the illness, we have a greater chance of success: “I can see you are feeling sad today. As we agreed on our ‘What Works’ list, let’s talk about what we can do together today to get you physically moving and out of the house.”
• Don’t forget yourself on the list. Being the partner of someone with a mental illness does not equate with the world revolving around the illness. You deserve self-care time and attention as well, as we all know we can only care for others well when we are doing well ourselves. In addition, if your partner sees you being proactive to care for yourself, they may be inspired to make positive changes for themselves too.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (September 16, 2011)

Mental Health Social (September 16, 2011)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (September 16, 2011)

NAMI Massachusetts (September 20, 2011)

    Last reviewed: 28 Aug 2011