We’ve all encountered the brilliant artist who creates incredible, creative pieces of art, but does not pick up on your cues that you are ready to leave the conversation and move on. Or the person who can tell you absolutely everything you ever wanted to know about summer weather patterns, but totally missed the joke you just told and is now looking at you like you did something offensive. We walk away from these encounters wondering what exactly is going on since the person is obviously high functioning, but seems “socially awkward.”
Perhaps these people have Asperger’s Syndrome.
Many people with Asperger’s Syndrome, often referred to as “Aspies,” get diagnosed as children. However, many do not, especially if there is another issue going on, such as depression or anxiety, which is often the result of their Asperger’s traits causing social awkwardness and/or issues interacting with the environment they live in.
Some common issues that Aspies encounter that can affect their relationships with partners:
- Sensory processing problems/overstimulation: Everyday noises, smells, tastes, and touches can be overwhelming to someone with Asperger’s. This includes everything from something as small as having a fan running in the room all the way to the uber-sensory experience of having sex.
- Fight-or-flight urges: When startled, stressed, or otherwise unsure of how to handle a situation, Aspies can “overreact” and abruptly leave the situation or suddenly “attack” and blurt out something inappropriate or “over the top,” making the situation awkward, even when with loved ones.
- Emotional demands: People with Asperger’s often have trouble with emotions, either not understanding the cues about what the other person is feeling, or feeling overwhelmed by the emotion they themselves are experiencing. They often have trouble expressing feelings of love and affection, even though they are experiencing them. Being in a relationship means the Aspie is constantly having to work to assess what their partner is feeling, as well as trying to process their own reactions.
- Cognitive challenges of daily life: Adult tasks of daily living, such as paying bills, taking out the trash, remembering to pick the kids up, playing with the kids, etc. can test the limits of the person with Asperger’s. They very much want to contribute equally to the relationship–it’s just that their brains do not process information the same way that a non-Asperger’s brain (sometimes called “neurotypical” or “NT”) does.
- Taking information literally: People with Asperger’s absolutely can and do have senses of humor. However, it can take longer for them to get the joke, and they may not get it at all, taking offense to what was said or thinking that you meant what you said literally. Aspies are very concrete and appreciate specific, clear instructions.
Tips for partners of people with Asperger’s Syndrome
- The person with Asperger’s needs to communicate about limits of sensory experiences, and the non-AS partner should do their best to accommodate. It’s tempting to think of the Aspie as “picky” because they don’t like how some clothing feels, or they hate holding hands, or they refuse to eat _____ because it “feels weird” in their mouth. Compromise is part of every relationship: work together to figure out what works.
- Downtime is essential. Tied into the sensory challenges previously mentioned, people with Asperger’s need quiet, still, alone time on a regular basis in order to bring their systems back into equilibrium. If they don’t get this opportunity, you are risking an unintended meltdown, where your Aspie partner loses their ability to appropriately manage the situation. Asperger’s expert Tony Attwood recommends one hour of downtime for every hour of socializing. Being flexible and understanding that this is not rejection or your partner wanting to avoid spending time with you, can help prevent resentment.
- Have clear communication about sex. As previously mentioned, the sensory sensitivities that come with Asperger’s can be very challenged when it comes to having sex. Some Aspies love the experience; others want nothing to do with it. Attitudes about sex tend to be an either/or thing, with few falling within what might be described as “normal” ranges of sexual desire and enjoyment. If your partner is one who can’t get enough sex, discuss what you can do as a couple to meet their needs. If your partner falls on the end of the spectrum where never having sex again would be just fine, be clear about what your needs are and discuss ways to compromise.
- Be strategic about emotional conversations. Remember to work within the limits of your partner’s processing capabilities. If they have been overstimulated, now is not the time to discuss something that is emotional. Having said that, this doesn’t mean you can never have that conversation, because the Aspie partner still needs to uphold their end of the relationship bargain, even if it is difficult and stretches their capabilities.
- Recognize and work with your partner’s socializing skills and limits. Part of any relationship is going out with others and interacting. This will be more challenging for your Aspie partner, but can be done. Have clear communication about your partner’s limits (see #2), and assist your partner with interpreting cues from others. Discuss with your partner whether they would like others to know about the Asperger’s, which can help ease tension in sticky social situations.
Helpful resources
Autism expert Tony Attwood
Help4Aspergers.com
AutismHangout.com
The Other Half of Asperger’s Syndrome: A Yahoo! group for partners of people with Asperger’s
Book: 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man With Asperger’s Syndrome
Temple Grandin on TED Talks
Kate Thieda, MS, LPCA, NCC, is a patient advocate for Women's and Children's Services at Duke University Hospital in Durham, North Carolina. She is a licensed professional counselor associate and a National Certified Counselor who specializes in cognitive-behavioral and dialectical behavior therapies. Her book, Loving Someone With Anxiety, will be published by New Harbinger in the spring of 2013.
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Last reviewed: 30 Jul 2011
APA Reference
Thieda, K. (2011). Loving Someone With Asperger’s Syndrome. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 25, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/08/loving-someone-with-aspergers-syndrome/
Wow, this article is a lifesaver!
Very clear and straightforward.
You probably just saved my relationship. THANK YOU, Kate!
This didn’t ‘save’ my marriage, but sure does explain what the past 11 years have been about. My husband accepts that he sees this in his children, but adamant denies it in himself. Also refuses treatment or help to the kids. The worst thing I deal with is his anger over Everything. He screams and yells at Me for him not being able to do something right, everything down to stirring a food in a pot! Its so stressful and I’m done. Life has been a living hell, he denies everything he does and blames me.
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This is a perfect discription of my boyfriend of 3 years. We have nearly broken up so many times because of a mixture of all of the reasons above. I’ve had to diognose my partner myself as he’s middle aged and to stuborn for relationship councelling.
Miss-communication, temper tantrums/shutting down complettly, controlling behaviour over tiny things and total offence/defensiveness over my innocent comments made me realize it was Aspergers. I suggested he might have high functioning Aspergers and he said “So now we know why everyone thinks I’m wierd.” and went back to playing his strategy game on his ipod!
This is the first info I’ve found that lets me actualy understand him better and be more practicaly helpfull rather than over whelming him and shows me not to take it too personally.
Thank you so much!
*too stubborn. Not to stubborn.
Aspies are the VOICE of non verbal autistic people! We know them. They are often our own children. They are our brothers and sister in the autism spectrum. All these experts on autism don’t understand us, none of us. Yes, though we may be different from autism, they are our kin, we share things like self abuse and hyper-tactile responses with even the lowest functioning autistics. It’s up to us to speak up for them NOW! Abuse of severely autistic people on the rise caught on tape abusing defenseless severely autistic young man is a wake up call to all of us in autism communities across the globe. Video surveillance catching the abusers probably saved this young man’s life!
My brother is likely to have Asperger’s. He will be 65 this month, is legally blind but has had a electric motor sales and service business for 45 years. He is a genius at diagnosing motor problems . He also is quite the musician, getting “Beer Barrel Polka” out of a church pipe organ. Treatment is somewhat pointless at this moment, but he gets by well enough. He has had some terrifying, if silly, blow ups at me, though he is very nice to everyone else. He has a wicked sense of humor, honed by years with a punny family.He frustrates me sometimes, but I am very proud of him.
I wish my ex and I had known about this web site a couple of years ago. He did not know how to handle my autism. He kept denying that there was anything different about me. I didn’t know how to make him understand my problems and difficulties. He was one of those people who thought willpower and good intentions could overcome everything. If he had been able to read the words on this site, perhaps he would not now be my ex
Hello, I enjoy reading all of your article. I like to write a little comment to support
you.
It’s always great to see articles like these for me. My boyfriend was diagnosed with Asperger’s in January, and while it was one of those things where we got the diagnosis simply for confirmation and concrete answers, knowing that he was for sure an Aspie and that it could be the cause of a lot of his behaviors was really helpful. I’m always looking for articles and books about how best to create a successful relationship between an Aspie and NT, because the more tools he and I can acquire while we’re still young, the more I feel like we’ll be able to work through the problems that arise, especially when it gets to the point of marriage and starting a family.
I have mild aspergers, autism. I agree with how we are different than normal when it comes to sex and communicating with a bf/gf/wife or husband. It’s become a struggle to find someone for me. It helps people to understand when I say: “I just wish someone loved me for who I am.” Most then feel to ask, “Why?” I say, “Because I have autism.” One of two things happens, they don’t understand and feel like being away from them is best. Or they explain, “You shouldn’t really focus on love because its a very important thing to understand.” Being away is not the best idea… We actually like being comforted, maybe me personality but, we always want someone to talk to or something to do. Not caring for the situation has had an affect on me, gaining depression and other symptoms. But it is good to maintain when a topic goes too far. If it becomes visually stressful for us, say “it’ll be fine, ill come back in a little bit to check on you.” It makes us feel better afterwards knowing you care to come back and talk. As for being too early and harder to learn, I agree and disagree… It is not right to rush into the topic or have a relationship when he/she is not ready. But we do understand, over time, how relationships and sex works. The idea to plan with them on how to go about it is great. But keep in mind, it may get them to stress as it draws near or get them really excited. For me, it would make me excited to have someone for that. I am able to control that to a degree, but others are much more likely to break or go about it wrong. Talking with us, making us feel comfortable on what it provides and doesn’t, having us know what can and can’t be done, and consequences really help. It’s made me much comfortable to talk to others about it and am treated better or rarely worse because the topic doesn’t go with them. I understand and make sure I don’t go too far.
Having them not understand during it is NORMAL. We try and understand what it’s like and it’s ok. We sometimes try too hard and get emotional, also ok. It’s a learning experience. I still to this day don’t know everything and I’m out of high school and getting a job. It’s ok though, I’ll learn as I go along.
Most relationships halt or end when the partner feels they won’t understand or it’ll become too difficult for them. That shouldn’t be the case, it becomes more stressful when we have to deal with it. I had to do it 3 times…. It’s painful to think but provides me ways to go on for the next one. (I don’t give up basically) We need time to understand how it’s like and we are most likely to improve. Some may not and its perfectly normal. You just got to understand our feelings and we have to understand yours.
Another thing I noticed is can you be more intimate or loving with an ASD. It depends, for me that’d be great but for most it should be slow and timely. Some may like that a lot, some may not want that to happen. It’s another learning process.
I understand sex and relationship matters, I talked with my parent about it. It made me feel better knowing how some of it works. Also understanding what I watch and see, is not normal was also good. I was already aware however some of it was wrong but it made me confident to know, “Uh… That isn’t right ._.” But knowledge and care on BOTH sides made me understand and better aware on how it is to love or be with some one. I say don’t give up on them, show them you care and are willing to tell them how it works, and show them you care. It makes a big difference. I have not hit a depression phase for over a year and have dropped half of my meds. It is enlightening to know this topic is out there and makes me feel better people care to look into it. It’s made me rethink things too about love and relationships. Thank you.
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The author forgot the most important step for autistic partners… tell you partner so that he or she does not hold you to NT expectations.
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