For those who are new to reading this blog, I introduced it back in March by saying that the inspiration for it was the many clients I have seen whose relationships were shattered by the impact of their illness. My hope was that if a partner who was reaching their wit’s end with dealing with their partner’s illness could read a post that resonated, perhaps a relationship or two could be saved.

One of the reasons I use “partners” instead of “spouse” in my posts–as well as in the blog’s title of “Partners in Wellness”–is because there are all types of relationships out there, and I didn’t want readers to feel as if I was only addressing those who are married. But since today’s post title clearly reflects the traditional wedding vow of “In sickness and in health,” I wanted to remind readers that my intent is to reach anyone who has a significant relationship to someone with mental illness, whether you are “traditionally” married to them or not.

I also believe that the idea of sticking by someone you love and care about while they struggle with any illness–mental of physical–does not just have to apply to married couples.

Two of my clients who have bipolar disorder have brought this vow into our sessions recently. Both of these women have been divorced by their husbands, due to the fallout from their illnesses, and children were involved. Both of these women struggle with the fact that their partners did not maintain their vow, and feel that because it was a mental illness, as opposed to a physical illness, they had no chance of having the relationship survive.

In addition, these women feel extra guilt because when people hear they are divorced because of having bipolar disorder, they feel that others are thinking, “Oh, well, that’s hard to live with,” versus if their partner were to divorce them because of having something like cancer; in that case, society’s perception of the partner might be something more like, “What a jerk! How could they have left you during a time like that?”

My clients can’t understand the difference. And really, should there be? Maybe the partner would have left if the illness had been cancer instead of bipolar. There’s no way to know.

As their therapist, I struggle to come up with reasons why it’s different, but here are a few of my thoughts:

• The partner feels as if the worst parts of the mental illness are how it’s going to be forever. This is an education issue, and we as a mental health industry do a really poor job of integrating the family into treatment plans. As my supervisor often likes to point out, other societies around the world band together when someone has an illness, of any type. Here in the U.S., the stigma around mental illness often leads to isolation, and that includes in our own families, and within our most important relationships. As a supportive partner, you need to be deliberate in changing this and learning more about your partner’s illness.
• The partner feels the need to protect the children. If children are involved in the relationship, it’s a natural parental instinct to want to keep the kids safe, especially if your partner’s illness results in erratic behavior at times. However, that doesn’t mean that “having a mental illness” equals “being unfit to care for children.” For many clients, their children are their biggest incentive to work hard in treatment. Having a conversation with your partner about what they are capable of and what you need to take care of for a while is a more reasonable approach than taking the kids away altogether.
• The partner just doesn’t have any experience with what life is like to have a partner with a mental illness. This is probably applicable to 95+% of the relationships out there. Chances are, you don’t know what it’s like to have a partner with a physical illness or disability either. You’re not alone–NAMI has great programs to educate families and partners, and going to support groups or using online forums can provide some support. Of course, your own therapy can help as well.
• The partner has suffered their own trauma, and their partner’s illness is triggering their own fears. I recently did a post on how your experience growing up can influence how you react to your partner’s illness. I’ll let you read that post instead of rehashing it in this one.
• The partner never intended to stay in the first place, and the illness was a convenient excuse to slip out the back door, as well as relieve their own guilt about breaking up the relationship because the partner is “the one who has the problem.” I don’t have an answer for this one. I hope this isn’t your reason for breaking up the relationship, because you will be leaving a very hurt and confused partner behind.

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Mental Health Social (July 25, 2011)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (July 25, 2011)

NAMI Massachusetts (July 26, 2011)

From Psych Central's website:
The Kids Are Alright: What to Do When Your Partner is Ill | Partners in Wellness (July 27, 2011)

    Last reviewed: 25 Jul 2011