{via etsy by Tamara Lee}
When I published my post on self-love on Thursday, one reader mentioned that she wished she could believe my words. That we are love, always.
I can relate to this wishing. I’ve been in a similar space oh-so many times. For years my self-worth was wrapped around my weight, and my accomplishments.
One mistake would undo my sense of self. You’re so stupid. Only you’d make that mistake. What’s wrong with you?
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Thanks…I needed to read this…
@ Debbie, you’re welcome! I’m really glad you liked it.
Thank you for publishing this article, it’s always helpful to be reminded to treat myself well.
Your article is timely as well. I’m in a support group for disordered eating and body image concerns. The group leaders were encouraging us to experiment with being kind to ourselves. We talked about trying to be kind to ourselves even in our darkest moments (between a binge and a purge, for example), but the thought that kindness was even an option in the moments when I hate myself the most seemed so absurd to me. I wonder if you have any advice for practicing self-love, self-kindness, or even self-tolerance in times when it seems like all I have inside of me is self-hate.
@ Sariya, you’re very welcome! You raise such a great question. And it’s tough. When you’re feeling miserable and steeped in self-loathing, it’s definitely hard to do something kind for yourself. But I’d say to lead with action. Accept your thoughts and feelings, and do something that’s soothing and calming for you.
What kinds of activities represent self-care for you? What does kindness look like? Maybe you can do one of those things. And even if self-kindness just isn’t there, try a soothing activity. What healthy activities soothe the anxiety and stress? For instance, maybe journaling can help you release the self-loathing onto paper, and then you might be in the frame of mind to let kindness in.
When I feel like the way you describe, I try to remind myself of what I’d say to a friend if she did what I did. For instance, if a friend had just binged, what would I say to her? What would I think of her? I’d never berate her, and I’d tell her to be kind. I’d also never think that she was weak or pathetic or anything negative. (I know I used to think these things about myself when I binged.) I’d think, she’s having a rough time today, like everyone does once in a while, and I want her to feel supported and safe.
Reaching for support also can help a lot. If I can’t do something nice for myself in the moment, and the friend concept doesn’t work, I talk to my boyfriend. He extends his support and compassion, and reminds me that I’m a good person. He just helps me put things into perspective.
I hope that’s helpful!
I really struggle with this. Thanks for writing this because honestly, I wonder if I will ever stop hating myself.
@ Jen, you’re welcome! Thank you for your comment. I know those feelings are incredibly strong and sometimes deeply ingrained but you can overcome them. I’m not sure if you are right now, but working with a therapist can be really helpful in chipping away at those feelings.
I am working with a therapist but have not yet overcome the idea that there is something wrong with me at the very core. That I deserve everything bad that ever has happened to me, that every torment and abuse was heaped upon me for a reason. When other people are not there to torture me, I do it to myself. Afterwards, I feel cleansed. (For about a day or so.) Other people see something in me that is wrong and evil, that deserves to be destroyed: the essential me.
@ ZeldaX, I’m sorry that you’re still struggling. The good thing is that you’re working with a therapist. It’s really important for your therapist to know how you feel and what you’re struggling with.
I loved this piece. I’m in a support/therapy group right now called ‘Craving Change’ and a lot of what they promote is mindfulness, nurturing (rather than ‘nourishing’)our bodies/selves and reconnecting with what makes us feel calm and relaxed. It’s a journey for sure, and not always easy to remember to be in the moment let alone ‘love’ myself or be kind to me, but it is a journey, after all and I’m learning as I go. Thank you for writing this incredibly thoughtful and helpful piece. Namaste
@ Princessa67, thank you! It means a lot to me that you liked the piece. Your group sounds amazing! I love the emphasis on mindfulness and nurturing ourselves. Like you said, it’s not always easy to do, and that’s OK. But it’s a process. Like anything worthwhile, it takes work. But definitely worth it.
Thank you for sharing that!
Nice lesson; loving yourself through your failures might be the toughest task on my proverbial plate. Like everything else–mindfulness practice, for example–it takes practice, practice, practice. And I guess that’s a little weird, since for most people, that should probably be second nature…Anyway, I enjoy the newsletters and appreciate the advice.
@ Mitch, thanks so much! I think for most of us mindfulness isn’t automatic, so having it take practice is totally OK, common and normal. It certainly can become second nature after allll that practice.
But it definitely gets easier the more we do it.
Thanks for a wonderful article. I believe that self love is at the heart of being well and happy. So many [infact most] depressed people hate themselves, I am full of shame and self loathing. here in Ireland I cant afford Therapy as its v expensive and I am not working. At 61 i am trying to break free from the cycle of abusive relationships. I have just walked away from one. Being alone, without family is tough, I am determined to put some of what I read into practice. I deserve to be treated with respect and to respect myself, love myself, this is a hard one, but worth trying. Thanks again, wonderful wonderful article . Blessings x
@ Rosie, you absolutely deserve respect and love — first from yourself. The most important relationship is the one with ourselves. I can’t imagine how tough it was for you to leave your abusive relationship, but how amazing that you did. That’s a huge step in respecting and loving yourself.
It’s such a shame that therapy isn’t more accessible in Ireland. Are there support groups you can try or books you can read? Any lower-cost options? For instance, here in America, some therapists offer services based on a sliding scale (i.e., depending on your salary). Also, many mental health centers and universities, where grad students study to become psychologists, offer very low-cost services, too. And there’s an option for government assistance. Maybe there are similar services where you live?
Thanks Margarita, unfortunately, I hae discussed this with my psychiatrist [whom I see in the social services] so its a different p-doc every 5 or 6months as they keep changing them ! also you get 10 mins if you’re lucky. I have begged for some type of counselling but anything ‘free’ is pretty dismal. I have studied counselling myself and was embarrassed at the dreadful unprofessional ‘counsellors’ working in the Social welfare arena. ~ I read self help books and go online and read inspiring thoughts like yours. I practice Meditation and try to be mindful. Having no parents or children or family support is tough, living on very little is tough too but I think happiness and self love is an inside job and alot of very poor people are happy. Today I am pushing myself out against my inner depression and going for a walk. Then I will treat myself to a Cup of Coffee and a sandwich for lunch in a cheap cafe which is a treat ! thanks so much x
@ Rosie, I’m so sorry that it’s so difficult to get therapy in Ireland. That’s terrible and disappointing, especially when you’re eager to do the work. The only other thing I can think of is counseling by phone or video (using Skype). I know that some therapists do offer services via Skype. But I haven’t looked into their specific services or rates. Maybe that might be an option in the future?
It sounds like you’re taking wonderful care of yourself. That’s awesome that you practice meditation and mindfulness! Those are incredibly helpful. Social support is really important for well-being, in general, so I can see that being really hard. It’d be great if you could find a support group, either in person, or online. It doesn’t even have to be about mental health or a support group, per-say. It could be an online community around particular hobbies or interests, too.
OK, that’s a lot of unsolicited advice, but I hope it’s even a bit helpful.
It’s absolutely my pleasure!! xx