Archives for Weight
I'm not sure that I've ever felt good reading a fitness or "health" magazine geared toward women. Instead, I've felt self-conscious, inadequate and way too big. At some point I realized the words in their glossy pages weren't gospel. I realized that I didn't have to believe or act on their tips---which focused on watching my weight and what I was eating (like a hawk), feeling guilty any time I wavered and preparing for (i.e., panicking over) bikini season and holiday parties.
I've been thinking more about self-love and what it means and looks like for me. Yesterday, I shared some thoughts in this piece. Today, I'm sharing more examples. I hope these inspire you to think through your own definitions and how you can start embracing and loving yourself. Because you can. No matter where you've been and no matter what others have said to you, you can. Start small. Start now.
Dear Girl Who Hates Her Body, You look at your body in the mirror and grimace. Ugh. It still looks like crap. You touch your body in disgust. You spend hours in your closet trying on every piece of clothing you own. And still nothing fits. Nothing looks good. Everything is wrong. You feel wrong. You wake up at 5 a.m. when the world is still dark and drag yourself to the gym. You don't want to be there. But what other choice do you have?
Today, I'm sharing words you might need to hear right now, or words you might need to remember, because you easily forget, or because you've never heard them. Words you can say to yourself, because you don't have to wait for someone else to tell you. Because telling yourself is enough...
You are holding on so tightly. So tightly you can barely breathe. You cling to this something with such force that on some days, it knocks you off your feet. Maybe you can't focus on much else. Maybe you get headaches and the anxiety sweeps through your body like a storm. Or maybe it's a subtle buzzing that flies about your brain.
We are constantly spinning stories about ourselves. And many of these stories are negative to the bone. For instance, we might spin global stories like: No one will really love you until, unless you are thin. You can't tell people the truth, because they'll abandon you. (By the way, some people might leave, but that's a good thing. They just saved you a whole lot of time.) You only matter if you don't make mistakes. You are too complicated to love.
Dear Body, Today isn't too good. Honestly, I feel disgusting. I feel like I want to eat an entire tub of ice cream. And I might. Because it hurts. Everything hurts. And I just don't know what to do. I feel bloated and too big. I feel deeply uncomfortable. In my bones. In my cells. It's just so frustrating. The tension and restlessness are electric. But there isn't anything energetic or positive about this electricity. It's like I feel every inch of my skin, and every inch pulsates with discomfort. And I just want to crawl out. But I also know it's not easy on you either. You're struggling, too. Thank you for sticking by me through all the insults and criticism and hate. Thank you for still walking me to class. Thank you for still writing and doing. Thank you for getting up. For still breathing and witnessing and trying your best. Because I know you're trying your best, somewhere in my heart I know this. Right now it just feels hard.
Years ago I believed that in order to finally feel comfortable in my own skin, I had to lose weight. Because most days, I felt so uncomfortable, so overwhelmed, so weighed down, so stuffed and so sad. I thought being thin would magically make me feel calmer, less restless and antsy, less sad. I thought it would clear up my confusion, soothe my anxiety and make it all better.
Yesterday, in this post, I talked about the illusion of thinness---the belief that once we lose weight and finally become "thin," we will have everything we've ever wanted. Our lives will be beautiful. We will finally be worthy of love, care and attention. We can finally wear comfortable, stunning clothes. We can finally treat ourselves to delicious meals and kind habits. We will finally have it all.