computerDear XXXXX,

I thought it was safe to let you know how I was doing. I thought it was safe to email you about what my thoughts were regarding brief psychosis –v- depression (which is something I have finally made sense of and wanted your opinion on because I trusted you). I told you what my current working life was like and I felt as though I got a rubber stamp response because nothing in your email referred specifically to what I had actually said or achieved.

In therapy once, you asked me to always let you know how I was doing because you didn’t want me to move on and disappear out of your therapy life. You also once told me you loved me and trusted me deeply and that you would never abandon me.

With those bold statements comes a considerable amount of post-therapy responsibility to clients, even to the most adjusted but vulnerable client who has left your therapy and your rooms. With that comes a duty of care to accept that sometimes the client who wants to move on feels much dissonance, ambivalence and an overwhelmingly disproportionate sense of obligation and responsibility to her former therapist to keep her informed lest she feels abandoned by her.

This is my fault for thinking you miss me as much as I miss you. This is my lack of “theory of mind” and mentalization that I take full responsibility for. You do not feel what I do, I am rarely in your thoughts (if ever) and you can easily disregard and delete my emails and remain in an internally emotionally appropriate and functional manner because I am no longer on your radar.

Last November when I let you know what I was doing you sent me an email telling me I was sending you too many emails, but your previous wishes about keeping in touch is concretely ingrained and reverberates too deeply and this time, in February, when I caved into that irresistible urge to contact you (against my better judgement) you are now ceasing to even acknowledge my emails.

This makes me feel very sad, somewhat confused, upset, retraumatised and abandoned again and again. It hurts way low down in my stomach. I feel regressed and child-like. Because of what you said last year about loving me, never abandoning me and always keeping in touch I feel as though I can’t move on properly. This is my responsibility, something I have to control and something I need to radically accept and place tight boundaries around.

However, you too need to remember my history and my situation, one of the longest therapies ever and my incredibly intense feelings, both negative and positive, surrounding how I feel about you and how we interacted in therapy. Only you can decide what your contribution to my current situation is. You sent me an email re Better Access without comment and when I commented back you are most conspicuous by your lack of response. Ditto email re psychosis –v- depression. It would appear ignoring me and hoping I will go away is the easiest most desired outcome and the path of least resistance for you.

I hope you are comfortable, safe, well, prosperous and happy with your life. I wish you all the best. I am very sad to say but you are not safe for me and I doubt you ever will be. I do not intend to repeat this mistake a third time. But this email releases me from any further interaction, tractor beam urges, gravitational pulls and dumb, dumb decisions to ever email you again.

If you wish to find out how I am you know where my blog is, you know where my website is and, if the desire is truly overwhelming (which I doubt), there is always Google.

Sonia

Computer photo available from Shutterstock.

 


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    Last reviewed: 5 Feb 2012

APA Reference
Neale, S. (2012). Borderline Personality Disorder: Final Email to My Therapist. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 19, 2014, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/unplugged/2012/02/borderline-personality-disorder-final-email-to-my-therapist/

 

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