It occurred to me the other day that I had not thought about myself in terms of excessive guilt, shame and disgust for many months. This coincided around about the time I started my new job working with self-actualised people in the mental health field and making long overdue decisions about what sort of people I surrounded myself with in my private life.
I never seemed to have the discriminatory powers to know who was good for me, who was not good for me and who was perfectly evil in my life. I also put strict boundaries around certain family members. There are people in my life determined to make me feel shame and guilt because that is what they do best.
Emailing and texting your therapist can be (for some) more addictive than cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. The reward neurotransmitter dopamine floods your brain and motivates you to do more of the same. This is the same neurotransmitter secreted when you snort cocaine. Even a simple email exchange can do this for some. It’s not what drug you take, it’s the effect that drug has on your brain.
Until recently I had full email privileges with my therapist which led to gross feelings of narcissistic entitlement. I haven’t seen her in therapy since April and I still expected her to be available electronically 24/7. I would get upset when she didn’t reply within 12 hours. If she did not reply immediately, I would get rude and hostile and she would apologize.
This relationship was not healthy for either of us. We were merged and sometimes not in a healthy, nurturing, supportive, way. Partly because of her availability, I would lurch from one crisis to another expecting her to resolve my life with a few words on an electronic form of communication. Eventually she emailed that this had to stop and that I could email her, not every day, but every once in a while, and not to expect an immediate reply because quite frankly she was feeling overwhelmed. She also said I was welcome to come back to therapy any time I wanted to.