Transference can be the duct tape that binds the psychotherapy universe together.
One of the interpretations of my mostly positive, idealizing transference was to use my therapist as a role model. This is similar to Social Learning Theory where people can learn new behavior through reinforcement, punishment and observational learning and are then more likely to model, imitate, and adopt the behavior themselves. This occurs through four stages; close contact, imitation of superiors, understanding of concepts and role model behaviour.
Albert Bandura, expanding on this theory, studied patterns of behaviour associated with aggression by conducting the Bobo doll experiment in 1961. Seventy-two 3-6 year olds were divided into two groups. Two thirds were placed in a room with an adult and Bobo the doll where the adult hit and kicked the doll and the other third was placed in a control group. In a nutshell, Bandura found that the children exposed to the aggressive model were more likely to act out in physically aggressive ways than those who were not exposed to the aggressive model.
So if in therapy I am exposed to someone who deals with life by displaying good manners and an unruffled aura in a situation where appalling manners and a decidedly undignified process of behaviour is apparent; then by the wisdom of social learning theory, good role model behaviour by my therapist will begat new thought processes, schemas, beliefs and behavioural patterns by me, the emotionally-dysregulated client. A classic case of monkey see, monkey do.
For me, mirroring this process was at first largely unconscious in the real world until I related the stories in therapy and realised I had well and truly kept my wits and composure about me. Similar situations would then compound on themselves. As well my therapist would tell me personal stories of adverse situations where clarity and coolheadedness were required. In a similar situation where I would explode, burn my bridges and later have serious regrets, she would be able to stay calm, centred and (most importantly) in control – move on, regret nothing and remain the person she always was.
When I deliberately started to imitate her behaviour, after a while it became second nature and my emotions started to regulate themselves. Instead of lashing out verbally I would think, aha, another chance to sit back, tune into my observing ego and look at the situation from the perspective of an onlooker or outsider. So while the other person was hell-bent on venting their spleen, I would sit back and listen, and listen and then listen some more. Eventually the other person (more often than not, one of my teenage children) would just give up and walk away. But I always had to remember to remain the same person I was before it all happened. When one has a fragile self-esteem these things can seriously damage one’s perception of oneself.
My therapist does not have a fragile self-esteem and at times I have berated her or been quite rude and even nasty on occasions. I once told her I hated her cardigan. I was so astonished that came out of my mouth I had to seriously think what on earth that meant to me. I later apologised and we discussed it. She said to me that she should have been angry but she was actually quite amused by it. But above all she maintained her calm composure. Another time I hurt her feelings by something I said in an email and when I (again) apologised, she said quietly that “I had achieved what I set out to achieve.” That made me squirm with embarrassment for myself. These two incidents sobered me up completely and taught me a valuable lesson in the mindful art of role modelling transference.
Use all transferences wisely. Use them to your advantage. Ponder, reflect, meditate, think about and learn from them. It’s not just about unrequited love, dependency and attachment. The ramifications of this most ubiquitious phenomena is not to be under-estimated – it is a most valuable learning tool for the highly discerning client.
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PsychCentral (January 18, 2010)
For some reason, I am reminded of a news story I once saw, in which a group of kindergartners were shown two videos…one which contained violence and one which did not. They were then observed during playtime after they had viewed these videos. Not surprisingly, the group which had been exposed to acts of violence were acting out with their classmates while the other group played more peacefully. Monkey see. Monkey do. Especially when the actions come from a superior.
This is an intriguing concept with respect to therapy. I hadn’t thought much before about a client may mirror a therapist, but have often considered how a therapist may mirror a client. Interesting. Apparently it’s never too late to learn how to handle situations in a healthier manner.
I agree that every small act/response/feeling during therapy may indeed be rather very revealing and a learning experience.
The children were from Stanford University kindergarten so chances are it was the same experiment.
Mirroring is common between people who are close eg mother/son, husband/wife and of course client/therapist. I picked up on this a while ago and used to change positions, cross and uncross my legs, run my hands through my hair, lean forward, lean backward and all the time she was mirroring me.
Sometimes we would end up wearing similar clothes on the same day and find out we were reading the same book. Once I had picked a flower on the way to work and the next day found she had picked the same flower on the way to my session with her. She gave me the flower at the end.
That was most synchronous.
I’ve read articles about therapists using mirroring as a tool to help their clients, but this would be done purposely. What you’ve described here with your T sounds unconscious. This seems to be an outward expression of attunement with one another. Likely very beneficial to feeling safe and secure within the therapeutic space. It’s amazing how we can be doing things unconsciously, and at the same time recognize the significance of these behaviors unconsciously as well.
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