I agree it would be wrong to discuss my feelings with the client unless, as was advised by my supervisor, it may be something I could refer to when talking about how he relates to women. I of course would deliver this in a ‘I experience you as a man who…’ manner.

I think it’s great you’re talking to your supervisor about your feelings. Talking with a supervisor or with your own therapist seems like the most appropriate place to deal with your counter-transference – not with your client.

I think that broaching the subject with your client would only serve you needs, not his. His feelings for you aren’t “distracting from his therapy” – they are part and parcel of his therapy and it’s up to you to help him explore those feelings.

I know that in my own therapy I was obsessed with my therapist and fortunately my therapist didn’t make a big deal about it. We didn’t talk about it much directly but eventually I was able to see how I was searching for that perfect love and who is more perfect than someone who listens to you intently and always responds compassionately? What I really ended up doing was grieving for the all the pain my child-self suffered and seeing how my adult-self suffered under the constant internal abuse I heaped on myself. Having a constant good example of how to treat myself better helped me heal wounds I though were permanent.

Anyway, I think that if you want to bring up/explore his feelings more in therapy that would probably help him, but telling him about your feelings – even as denied feelings – would only exacerbate his fixation on you and really WOULD get in the way of his therapy.

Anyway, good luck with this. This part is never easy.

I will NOT act on these feelings except to further my clients growth; to help him see how these mutually denied shared feelings are distracting us from concentrating on getting the therapy done.

I saw a younger attractive female T a few years ago on the recommendation of a good friend who also saw her. I ended up doing both Individual and Group with her. The transference started when she announced she had gotten divorced and asked how I felt about it. I told her I was sad to hear about it and the pain she was in over it. She teared up and we had this very intimate moment. I asked her if it was real and she said “yes it was real.” I ended up telling her how I felt and we explored the transference in detail along with my fantasies. She thought it was erotic but I never felt that for her. It was more about being nurtured and wanting to be closer to her in life. I has had very negative feelings to and acted out angrily to her a few times which she said scared her.

We eventually got a place where the feelings subsided and I felt progress was being made and she did too. Then the bombshell went off. My friend who recommended her, committed suicide in her office during a session. He was deeply depressed and in love with her. We still don’t know what triggered him to do it in her office. He wanted to kill her too but thankfully didn’t.
She ended up firing me and kicking me out of the group with no closure. I was shocked and devastated. I lost my friend, my group and my therapist all in the span of 2 weeks. I understand that nothing in this was my fault, I was just collateral damage.

I took me over a year to heal with a lot of grief counseling to be able to face her again and find out what why she dumped me. She told me she had PSTD and was terrified I would get angry with her about my friend once I knew more details about his therapy with her. She felt she couldn’t be effective with me anymore, that it would be too complicated and might trigger her.

I was informed by his family that there was a lot of transference and countertransference in his relationship with the T. It’s all too sordid to describe. I’m not saying she violated boundaries, but there were some ethical issues around it. She did say I had a big influence on her and how she conducted therapy. she cut back her practice and was trying to limit the amount of transference in her practice. She had to work on her own transference issues as well, especially around anger. She also told me she was thinking about leaving the profession all together. (She eventually did and moved to Africa). She also said that I had to right to file a complaint against her because how she treated my termination. She felt horrible about it and that it contributed to her breakdown. She has also terminated her clients who had anger issues.

I haven’t communicated with her since that call a couple of years ago and I don’t know we’ll ever talk again. I would like to communicate with her just for my own healing about our relationship. I realize that transference happens all the time, it just gets magnified immensely in certain kinds of therapy. I avoid the deep psychodynamic styles now.

I learned some valuable things in my therapy with her but it wasn’t worth the pain I endured over the ending.

Anyway…
thank you so much for this article. After 7yrs and long before our work was finished, my therapist got made redundant last week and had to leave me.

I am absolutely devastated. I feel like i have lost my world. My T is female but I feel like i have lost a *husband* (never been married but have lived with someone for 6yrs in the past & this feels the same).

I was a little concerned, since yesterday i realised that I loved her. No erotic just love as you describe.
I was instinctively concerned that that didnt seem healthy & yet felt confused because she was incredibly healthy herself, indeed her boundaries really p’ssed me off at times!

So reading this has reassured me.
All 10 ‘ways’ fit perfectly.

I am still grieving, but I now suspect I am grieving losses from my childhood even deeper than losing her.