Thanks to therapy, my family is still alive and kicking and functioning reasonably well. We have our moments when one member gets out of kilter with the rest of us, and society, but by and large we seem to have a healthy respect for what we learned about each other during the six family therapy sessions we were observed interacting by several professional strangers.

One of the theories behind family therapy is that when one member of the family experiences problems, it is usually a symptom of the way the entire family functions and relates to each other in general. In other words, individual dysfunction doesn’t happen in isolation. That is why in family therapy, generally there are no problem children or scapegoats. Family therapists work on dealing with the family as a whole unit.

When we went, we spent the first half with a couple of psychologists talking about what was happening behind our closed doors, with another three or four psychologists behind a one-way mirror observing our interactions. Then we swapped places and listened to them talking about how we interacted and what patterns of behaviour they saw that needed intervention; who talks the most, who talks the least, who shuts down, who shuts them down and who thinks they know everything. Body language, facial expressions and uncomfortable shifting in chairs was noted and commented upon. But it was all done very tactfully. Pointing out people’s shortcomings in such a way that they not only are willing listen, but actually change their behaviour as well, is the domain of a true diplomat.

It was very confronting at first and all our backs itched considerably till we all got used to it, but it worked. We were able to understand how we reacted to each other and in what situations and how to deal with it before it escalated and how to debrief after something happened.

The leading psychologist was the most amazing lady who accurately pinpointed with laser precision just what and where our issues lay. She constantly honed through the central aspect of our dynamics with her intuitive insights in such a caring and consistent manner. I was in awe of her expertise in our family. She had the most beautiful face with a knowing but caring smile. Part of me was the participant and the other part was the observer. It was mesmerizing watching her portray my family as a work of art, not so much in progress, but by carefully restoring a priceless masterpiece that has become grimy from indifference and neglect.

Something else that got cleaned up and refreshed was our relationship with my husband’s mother and father who we hadn’t spoken to for five years. Contact was made a year ago and we now enjoy their company very much.

As the mother of my motley crew, whether I like it or not, it’s my job to keep heart and soul together. But sometimes I need to contract outside the family home and consult with others because it all gets too much. Rather like getting a tradesman in to patch up a leaky roof in winter because we don’t have the skills necessary to do it ourselves; so I got outside assistance to render up the holes and flaws in the way we related to each other.

For me, it was the best gift I could ever give to my loved ones.

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    Last reviewed: 18 Jul 2009