Boy can I ever relate to this one! The grieving process for me has been about a year now. It has been a very long road of emotional ups and downs. I am finally getting to the point now where I feel I’ve internalized our relationship. The months of grieving, pain and longing never felt like a burden, though. I’ve always felt blessed to have found him and to have known him in the way that I did…and blessed to have loved him.

I don’t need to feel special, though I do hope he remembers me. The feelings of caring that I have for him really represent the best in me. I want him to be happy and well in his life. Knowing he is happy brings me inner serenity. Knowing that I have the capability to care for another human being (even in our limited kind of relationship) in the way that I do has done wonders for my self-esteem. I have worked on my ability to let go and let love live through me and in the choices I make in my life. I connect with him when I apply the things he taught me about believing in myself and taking chances in life. I now have an inner “therapist voice” that seeks out the positive about myself and about life and love. I’ve brought him inside of my joy and inside of my love… whenever I feel those pleasant emotions, he is always there with me. Learning to hold love through loss and to not be afraid of any potential pain, has helped me to grow emotionally.

As difficult as this loss has been for me, I’ve taken the challenge of this and used it as a positive force for change and growth. I feel strong now and ready to walk alone. I still miss him every day, but he will always be with me and he will always be a part of my heart.

I am a therapist and a grief specialist at that and I must share with you that I never forget my clients and if they return 15 or 20 years later (with a new or old concern) I remember the details of their lives and the affection I hold for them, too, for the soul does not measure meaning in non-spiritual time lines.

I would have one suggestion, here: try not to focus on the time apart and you will be able to hold your relationship with your therapist forever in your heart and you’ll be able to say (as I often do about mine) “Well my therapist used to say” and there they are once more in your life!

Mary Jane Hurley Brant
Author of When Every Day Matters
Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 2008

Thirteen years in therapy is a long time and that you got too close. Rely on your husband and friends.

Interesting piece. I did feel differently than you about a couple statements you made:

“almost perfect relationship” - I consider the therapist-client relationship to be many things, but given the inherent imbalances, not almost perfect. I’m a therapist and have been a client; some of those relationships have been very gratifying and healing, but I never felt they were almost perfect. For that, give me a good friend or family member (however you define it) with the full range of joys and frustrations.

“It’s not part of her job to … grieve for me.” - I think she’s probably doing that anyway. Every goodbye has same sadness to it (though it’s not always about the person). That’s part of human nature. Would you feel better if it was her job to feel that way or if she felt that way as another person?

I have been in therapy for 22 years now,
and it’s all been one big nightmare for me! Not only do I NOT need therapy any longer, I am so done w/ it yet that’s not how my doctor sees it! I see a Pdoc every two months, and he requires all of
his patients to see a therapist at least
every two months. So I’ve been doing the
minimum, and it’s really stupid! Just b/c I’m on meds, I need to talk to someone that isn’t doing anything for me
and just talks about herself anyway? I would never think of changing doctors, so I know this is something I’m going to
have to deal with 4 a very, very long time!

I re-read some of Carl Rogers work recently, and recall a former client’s story that her feelings towards Rogers were not particularly strong now that she had finished therapy - whilst in therapy she felt strong emotions, yet afterwards, minimal - perhaps this is what is meant by ‘client-centred’ therapy - making sure that it’s about the client?

I had the opposite experience.
It had been increasingly painful to see my therapist of six years. Before the session, I always felt reluctant, and after the session, I often felt more depressed. He once was very helpful.
But I felt that he does not really know me. I felt like I’m nothing at session. I once talked to him that I was uncomfortable in a certain way he talks to me. He’s got really upset and worse, tried to convince me that I was wrong over the year which made me lose trust all the more. When I told him my decision to leave him, he was withholding tears that made me seriously depressed for the rest of the week. He insists 4 more sessions, but I could not bear the pain his session gives any more. I may be wrong, but I felt like he even used political power in the hospital. My psychiatrist had told me that the therapists are randomly assigned by the hospital and I should not care about the therapist’s feeling, and that he could talk to my therapist’s supervisor. The day after I canceled the rest of my sessions, the doctor said I MUST see him again to get ‘referral.’ “Didn’t you say that you can talk to the therapist’s supervisor?” “Well, the thing is that he is a kind of supervisor.” This moment, I realized that I have been seeing a wrong person for at least 4 years. Ironically, after terminating him, my life got so much better. I am more confident and less depressed. But this bitter memory still haunts me. I trusted a wrong person. Why did I not trust myself and my feeling?

I know what she is feeling. I had(in the military) a GREAT therapist. Someone who I had told things to that I would never tell another person. Only my sessions weren’t slowly ended, that last time I saw this person, I didn’t even know I would never see him again. I cried when I realized I would never talk to him again. It was really hard. I would try to imagine what he would say to me when times became tough. I would try to imagine that he was happy at home with his family(which I completely invented in my head). But it made me feel happy to imagine him happy and successful. I hope he has good memories of me.

My son had to go to a special school because of his mental health problems. My family had to be involved with the mental health team as part of the structure. I did not think this was necessary as I had sought therapy in other places and was happy with where I was. Then I met him…..the therapist assigned to our family. Unfortunately, we hit it off really well…too well. A previous therapist of mine told me to write a list of everything I want in a man. This man, also a divorcee, very sadly for me happened to have everything on my list. The boxes just kept ticking off one by one. Very sadly for me, he is now no longer my therapist as his circumstances moved him off the case. Even more sadly for me, I can’t contact him because he’s my ex-therapist, a man of great integrity. Now I have to get over it, and I cannot get him out of my mind. How can someone so perfect be so untouchable. It really isn’t fair. It’s not as though I sought his help. I was forced into it for my son’s sake, now I’m forced to quench the fire that burns within my soul. It really isn’t very fair!

I have enjoyed reading the comments here. This may blow your mind, but I have been in therapy with the same therapist for 42 years; ever since I was fifteen years old. She is 70 years old now and told me last session that she is finally going to retire. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel about this because it is so deep and so personal right now. She raised me. I love her. I fear for the future. Right now I am trying to focus on what I can control in the next moment, and letting go of the rest. I don’t know if I should keep on pretending like i am OK or not. She will retire at the end of 2009. I acted like I was really strong when I left her office last week. Now I need to try to hide that I’m already going downhill in my thinking patterns. I can’t go to another therapist after her because of money issues. Has anyone ever seen a therapist for a really long time as I have? How in the world did you survive it? My mom just died 4 years ago and my therapist says I have a “complicated grief.” Losing her is going to be much more complicated.

I understand the emotion of ending therapy, the grieving and sense of loss. In my case, my therapist terminated me; I had transference issues and I was reluctant to be totally honest with her after realizing she would terminate me if I was honest. When evidence of my transference issues surfaced, she immediately terminated me.

It has been nearly a year, and I am seeing a different therapist. It has been a very difficult year, grieving the loss — one of my own making — and searching to find a way to forgive myself. I have spent much of this time examining my transference issues. Grief continues to be a part of my thought processes. I can’t thank her for the work she did with me, as I told her I would honor her request for no contact. Sadly, honoring that request is the only way I can demonstrate I have a modicum of integrity. I wish I could discuss this with her now, not as a prelude to being a client again, but in order to find closure. For whatever reason, I wish I could let her know that “I get it” and have perspective on this I never would have gained had I not been terminated.