A lot of the time I feel like Im different from the rest of the world. Its as if my upbringing, my attitudes, my preferences and my opinions make me a singular being out of the billions of other people on earth.
It feels as if there is no one else like me on earth.
Its a strange feeling and part of it is due to social anxiety and paranoia. Essentially I see everyone else in the world as a collective group of beings who form a community of which Im not a part of. They have their community and I know I dont fit into it either because Im different or strange or any combination of other things.
They dont trust me and I dont trust them.
Even in groups I should fit into I feel alienated. Writers groups are too judgmental and revolve around fantasy, science fiction and romance, all things I dont connect with. In groups of young professionals, everyone is trying to network or talking about their jobs, even in groups of fellow schizophrenic people I dont relate to them because they seem to be unaware of the fact that they have an illness or they seem like theyve given up.
The fact is, I feel like an alien.
This idea has been rattling around in my brain for a few months and Ive been thinking about it and what it means.
It relates to friends, relationships and finding your niche in the world and you have to have a place where you can feel comfortable.
Every piece of advice Ive heard about joining groups, volunteering has fallen flat because I have yet to find another person who gets on my level. Even my best friends and family are different from me and I feel like I have to put on a mask while theyre around.
Thats not a bad thing though, Ill be the first to admit that Im extremely self aware, Ive spent a lot of time alone and Im very analystical and introspective so I know what goes on in the deepest levels of my psyche. I am myself wholly and completely and no one I know matches up to that.
Id like to think everyone has a place in this world. Sometimes that place is hard to find, I know Im struggling with that. Maybe it will take some more time for me to find that place but for now anywhere I can be alone is a respite.
The thing is, its perfectly ok to not feel like you fit in anywhere. Its perfectly ok to not vibe with people. It doesnt make you a bad person if you dont fit into any pre-prescribed corner of the world. It makes you exceptional.
If the world feels false to you, just take comfort in knowing that youre real, besides you never know what anyone else is thinking. Its just hard to access that deep stuff on a cursory level.
Youre not alone, I know that may feel like a lie but with seven billion people like you in the world there has to be someone or several others that resonate with you, at least thats what I tell myself.
Well see.