Welcome, Howard. Why and for whom did you write Alive Again? 

Primarily, the book was written for the alcoholic and/or addict who is still struggling and the families who have loved ones who are destroying their lives with alcohol and drugs. My experience suggests that their numbers are legion.

It is astonishing how many people don’t know where to turn for real help with these matters. I felt there needed to be a book that not only outlined the problem but also offered practical advice and solutions.

As a therapist who owns a treatment facility, I wanted to provide people who needed a starting place for answers.

Addiction is sometimes thought of as a problem mainly affecting poorer families. It’s nice to see that some of your book’s message is directed at middle and upper-middle class families. There is an unfortunate trend today of parents substituting money and gifts for quality time spent with their children.

I grew up in an affluent home, but there I was at 16 years old shooting heroin. It didn’t matter that I was living the “American Dream”, I still became the “American Nightmare.”

Money does not fix the emptiness an alcoholic or an addict feels deep down in his or her soul. The only things, in my experience, that can fix that kind of malady are spirituality (which doesn’t always mean religion) and being of service to your fellow man.

And the people that have the hardest time understanding this are the parents who continue to give their kids materialistic things because they just don’t “get it”. They are robbing their children of the desire to build self-esteem; you can’t build self-esteem if you’re given a new Audi or your family is paying your rent or paying your bills.

You need to get out into the world – that’s the whole point of growing up – you need to go out and build a life for yourself and live life on life’s terms. That’s where self-esteem comes from. Dignity and honor come from the ability to make it on your own.

Parents can sometimes rob their children of that opportunity when they enable them. The family needs to be taught that they aren’t helping the alcoholic or addict; they’re destroying their chances for a healthy, fulfilling future. I say this from my own experience.

Everything I have today was born from my ability to go out and build my own life. My private practice, the home that I live in, the car that I drive… my family didn’t buy me any of it. I got sober and I did it on my own.

I never had a family member giving me thousands of dollars to “set me up”. I think that’s a key ingredient to long-term recovery. I wouldn’t be here today if my family had continued to enable me financially. And, I promise you, there is a very big difference between enabling someone and supporting them. Not every family can see the distinction between the two, and that’s where you get into trouble.

As someone who has worked in addiction and mental health for 30 years I see many positive trends in treatment. Two of which make a real impact on patients include 1. peer counseling and 2. more accurate mental health/addiction assessments and treatment for co-occurring disorders. Can you comment on these trends?

I’m a huge fan of peer counseling. I own a treatment center and several of my employees, whether they are therapists or advisors, were once clients! I must say, they add so much to the program because they went through it themselves.

Peer counseling is the backbone of what I do at The Hills because the real recovery comes from the model used by 12-step programs everywhere: one drunk helping another drunk or one addict helping another addict. There’s real healing there because there’s real empathy and connection there, and it is in that space that recovery can get the strongest foothold.

As for assessment, today many addict and alcoholics have some form of chemical imbalance. Not everyone does, but many do. Clients have depressive issues, many have obsessive/ compulsive issues, and so on. One of the things we have to do with our assessments is figure out if they do have a co-occurring disorder, what that is and how to treat it.

And the issue with that is, you can’t have a client for only 30 days if you’re going to do that kind of work. That’s why I promote clients staying 90 days to a year in treatment, so that we can really get to know the patient and help them and ensure long-term recovery.

Thanks for taking the time to visit us at Therapy Soup! 

Howard C. Samuels, Psy.D, is an addiction specialist who has been clean and sober for over 28 years. His step-by-step guide to having an intervention can be found in his new book Alive Again, available for purchase at Amazon.com. He has been sober for over 28 years and is the founder and president of the prestigious The Hills Treatment Center in Los Angeles and he appears regularly on national TV news shows about the challenges of drug addiction.

Anger, and the expression of anger, is healthy, natural. It’s only a problem when it is out-of-control or hurts someone.

Anger is only a problem if it is repressed. It is good to get your anger out (as long as you don’t harm anyone).

Some anger is justified. 

Anger is never justified.

Some people have naturally bad tempers.

One should overcome or work on his or her bad temper, not give in to it.

Anger can’t be controlled, it has to come out.

Anger should be managed or controlled. Count to 10.

Anger is an authentic emotion/feeling and cannot be changed.

Through self-awareness and constructive talk or self-talk, anger can be transformed into (relatively-speaking) objective passion or even concern.

Observations

Observation 1: Anger by any other name….People mislabel their own feelings of anger. For example, two of the most common mistaken labels are guilt and sadness.

Some people say they “feel guilty” or “sad” when they are really angry. It can be uncomfortable, even frightening, for these people to admit they are angry. Usually this mislabeling occurs when the anger is at someone one is enmeshed with in an unhealthy way, sometimes a parent, sometimes a significant other.

Once an authentic feeling or emotion is identified, it can be explored and transformed. Living with chronic anger, or permanently angry at someone or something, is harmful to self. Don’t hold a grudge, it might bite you.

Observation 2: Anger shuts down options. It also is a barrier to understanding. You may disagree with someone, something; a person, a political movement; a way of life, a concept or idea. You may feel real pain about personal disagreements. But anger distorts your view.

Observation 3: All anger is personal. If you are angry at problems in the world, your country, your town, your family, take a closer look. Yes, it is true. There is injustice. It is not right to be complacent about injustice. But experience has led us to believe that generally speaking, when someone is seriously angry at injustice, personal buttons have been pushed. What are they?

Are we angry on behalf of someone else or for the greater good? Or,are we shattered that our personal, dearly held-beliefs are not respected by others?

Are we having a thoughtful response to a serious problem? Or are we having a knee-jerk emotional response based on our own personal experiences? Or, are we having a knee-jerk emotional response based on the way we’ve been inculcated to have a set of reflexive beliefs, so reflexive, we are unable to stand back and questions in any way, that perhaps we might be wrong, or that there is another point of view.

Other Anger Posts:

When we post on anger, there is often overlap. The reason? Anger is so important to think about. Sometimes, we have to tell ourselves to slow down, and think about what is going on. Sometimes, we have to tell ourselves the same thing more than once.

Who Are YOU Angry With? Take our poll!

10 Beliefs About Anger a post which discusses beliefs you, your therapist, and the guy next door may share about anger.

When 2 Wrongs Make A Right a post which asks (and tries to answer) the question, “Is it okay to give in for the sake of peace? Is this cowardly? Manipulative? Practical? Loving? We believe that: Even some of the most fractured relationships can improve when only one person is doing the initial peace-work.

10 Ways Anger Masks Itself

Of course, there are many reasons why you might be momless. Are some of them more painful than others?

Actress Judy Prescott lost her mom Cecy, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s, after publishing a beautiful book of poetry and art about her mother. Her tribute stands out as a moving example of a daughter’s love for her mother.

There are, sadly, children who’ve been abandoned at birth. Often, a loving adoptive family (which our friend Pete calls “my super-real parents”) provides the support they need to be emotionally healthy. Still, mother’s day can elicit a twinge (or real heartache).

Some are momless because their mother is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Underneath, sure, she loves you and wants the best for you. But the addiction has control, not her heart. So for all intents and purposes, you cannot count on your mother’s love.

Momlessness has a big sting, too, if it comes about because your mother has narcissistic personality disorder (or another personality disorder) which may make it difficult, if not impossible, for her to have feelings of love and connection to you. Those whose mother’s have personality disorders sometimes express in therapy that it feels worse than having a mother die.

This is more common than you might think. When we posted The Narcissistic Mother’s Game, we had no idea it would generate so many comments and emails.

Recently, nicely timed for Mother’s Day, we got an email from a woman who said our post on narcissistic mothers did more harm than good and that she knew for a fact that daughters who said they had narcissistic mother were liars and that they were the ones with the problem. The email was pretty angry. And attacking. The post—and the comments—must have hit a *nerve.

Let’s face it: Loving moms matter. Although we believe, strongly, that having a mother and father is important for a child’s development, an early mother-child bond is extremely important. Adoptive parents, too, can forge that early bond. A mother’s love is seen as more essential in the early years.

Although having a brutal, unkind, unloving, abandoning, or even narcissistic father is hurtful and harmful to a child’s development, having a mother who fits the above description can be, in many instances, far more debilitating.

Most people feel that a mom is supposed to love you. Unconditionally. Her love isn’t about your performance, your grades, your personality. We believe that mothers can, in general, be relied upon to love you if you mess up. Go to jail. Get divorced. Lose your temper. Lose your job. Forget her birthday. Run over her flower garden with your tricycle.

The narcissistic mother attacks you if you fail, compounding your pain. She attacks you even more, though, if you succeed. Your success galls her. She competes with you. If you fail, she condemns you. If you succeed, she will do her best to sabotage you. It may be in your face. It may be behind your back. But she wants to see you lose what you’ve achieved.

It isn’t easy being momless. Being momless because your mother has a personality disorder can be as painful (or even more painful) than grieving over a loving mother who’s passed away. Mother’s Day might be a hard time for you. You may have had to take a break from having a relationship with your mom for your mental health. Or, your mother may simply pretend you don’t exist. Either way, being momless can at the very least, rankle.

There’s an expression Al-Anon uses: Be your own loving parent. Corny as it sounds, it is an essential piece of healing if your mother (or father) is an alcoholic or drug addict. It can work too if your mother is emotionally unavailable.

This mother’s day, take yourself by the hand. Give yourself a hug. Look at your accomplishments and take pride in them. Identify and brag a bit (to yourself) about your good points, just like any mom might do. (This really is super-important, so go ahead and read Talking and Walking and Loving Your Good Points.)  And be your own loving parent.

*Feeling all alone? Feeling like you’re the only one on the planet with a narcissistic mom? Take a few minutes to read through the nearly 50 comments on The Narcissistic Mother’s Game.

C.R writes:

This is an incredible story and reminded me right away of Elizabeth Smart and others who had a big chunk of their lives stolen by, well, monsters I’d call them.

Naturally, the negativistas out there are waxing antagonistic about the victims and buzzing about whether or not the girls missed opportunities to escape before now.

It sure doesn’t sound like it.

From rescuer Charles Ramsey , these young women (and Amanda’s daughter, born in captivity) were completely hidden from neighborhood eyes. No one had the least idea the three brothers who held them captive were doing so. Mr. Ramsey even describes eating together with the Castro brothers and the fact that he had no idea, whatsoever, that the neighbors’ house was a prison.

Let’s be clear: Even if the girls/women did have a “physical” opportunity to escape, they may not have had an emotional one.

Stockholm Syndrome  or capture bonding, describes a psychological state and doesn’t seem all that difficult to parse from a layperson’s point of view (mine, Richard’s not here today.)

A captive (such as Amanda) may forced to be physically close to her kidnapper because, horrifically, he rapes her.

She most likely relies on him to bring her food, and probably medication, toiletries, and other necessary items. Maybe he is the one who determines whether or not she may bathe or use the toilet.

Although prisoners may bond with each other, bonding with a person in power/control, the one who is able to improve conditions, makes sense from a survival point of view.

Perhaps the reasons for bonding or identifying with or even protecting a captor or abuser may begin consciously, but after some time, they become ingrained. It is frustrating to mental health professionals, clergy and family members, for example, when abused women go back to or even defend their abusers. But this identification has become part of how they see their world, it is impossible for them to “snap” out of it.

We know that spouses and sometimes children of alcoholics, drug abusers, and violent offenders sometimes collude to protect and defend the guilty party. In many cases this is labeled (extreme) co-dependency.

Is Stockholm Syndrome  possibly a radical type of co-dependency? (Not sure what the professionals say, please comment if you like.)

We don’t yet know the full extent of the trauma the four endured nor do we know the full extent of the emotional (and physical) damage these men caused.

Anyway, this story is at once horrific and reaffirming. I can’t stop thinking about how these girls, especially Gina and Amanda and Amanda’s daughter, spent ten formative years in captivity.* It’s very heartening, when you think about it, that the urge for freedom, for life, was greater than the power of the Castro brothers.

Thank God they were rescued, thank God Amanda Berry reached out to Charles Ramsey in a bid to escape.

*UPDATE: I don’t mean to imply that anyone’s suffering was greater than anyone else’s. We just learned of the abuse Michelle suffered. We don’t even know the full story yet. However, I am upset about the extra-dimension of horror of girls spending their formative years growing up in these conditions.

I bet the number is higher. If you are a pedestrian crossing the street is a hazard because of texting drivers.

So is driving.

It seems like the driver of every other car is talking on a cell phone or texting. Texting of course, is scarier since most people have to look to text, but talking on a cell phone is scary enough.

Also, I’m not sure that teens are the only ones texting, perhaps they are the only ones admitting to it.

The U.S. Transportation Secretary, Ray LaHood, calls texting while driving a “national epidemic.” And according to the report, some researches say driving while texting is technically more dangerous than driving while drunk.

So, why aren’t all U.S. states on board with this? We’re all about individual freedom, but there is simply no excuse for texting while driving. It should be against the law in every state.

To learn what the Distracted Driving laws are in your state, see the Governors Highway Safety Association.

To be honest, I’m not even sure the laws are doing much good. Even places where it is illegal, people drive while distracted with talking on cell phones or text messaging.

And parents, speak to your teens and/or consider disabling text messaging from their cell phones if necessary. But first, set a good example: Do YOU talk on your cell (even hands-free is very distracting) or text while driving?

Texting while driving. Don’t be silly. Or stupid.

Book Lovers Corner: ‘Sharp: A Memoir’

C.R. writes: By now, you’ve probably read or at least heard of Sharp by David Fitzpatrick. PsychCentral’s Margarita Tartakovsky interviewed the author last summer.

I read the memoir for the first time recently because I was seeking information on self harm. I don’t recall a book making me cry before. Actually, not merely cry but sob out loud. The language and the story are roiling, painful, raw, lush, and ultimately very uplifting—but absolutely not for the faint of heart.

David was obviously a very bright, sensitive child. But when his brother started to abuse him, he taught himself how to practically nullify himself with passivity. In college, during intense drug and alcohol binges, his roommates also abused him, covering him with food. This went on for the majority of his time in school. He doesn’t fight back, but remains passive.

At some point, he describes a veil dropping down between him and the world. The veil didn’t lift for 17 years. Only after 30 hospitalizations, and multiple incidents of manic episodes, depression, and self harm, including what can be described as orgies of cutting and blood-letting.

Yet, with the support of therapists, especially one who really helped him set and work on goals,  as well as love from family and friends, and medication, David’s veil lifted. He completed an MFA in writing, got married, and wrote a bestselling book.

He has the unique ability to open himself up to the world and invite it in. That sensitivity, is perhaps a component of his personality that opened himself up to such pain, but it also informs his awareness of the beauty of life.

Upon discussing this book with others, including the cutter who suggested I read it to better understand what she was going through, I was reminded that Sharp might be triggering to some (which Margarita Tartakovsky did point out in her blog post.) Perhaps especially for people who are depressed or bipolar and/or who self-harm.

If you haven’t read Sharp and are worried about being triggered, discuss this first with your therapist. Perhaps he or she can read it with you or you can read it in a group.  If you feel reading Sharp might be too intense for you, you can still take in some of David Fitzpatrick’s message. I suggest the video, above.

David Fitzpatrick emerged from the depths of mental illness and self-loathing to self-awareness. He appears to live and write with bare-bones honesty. He also is immensely talented, with a bit larger than life writing ability, and he has something to say that’s never been said in this way before. There’s a compelling mix of sweetness, innocence, and the darkest dark.

His journey, like his book, can teach us how to learn to love your self, to appreciate your talents, your kindness, your goofiness, your love-ableness, and to take that first step out of the clutch and thrall of the pit inside. It’s a story of hope, hard work, and grace.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Remember the good old-fashioned “bad case of nerves” or nervousness? Is there really such a thing?

Yes, there is.

And there is also a dividing point between nervousness and it’s pathological version, anxiety disorder. But that dividing point, despite the diagnostic criteria we use, may be quite subjective and variable.

You can get a case of “the nerves” when you go to a job interview, meet new people in an unfamiliar or high-pressure setting, or try to pass your driving test. And, that nervousness may build before hand, or linger afterwards.

Someone with an anxiety disorder finds that even low-pressure situations cause feelings of nervousness, feelings that feel impossible to control. Anxiety disorders can include panic attacks and other manifestations of extreme emotional discomfort.

But, today, it’s become the trends among some to treat a “bad case of the nerves” as if it were an anxiety disorder. We are so used to being comfortable that any discomfort sends out blazing red flags.

We would not be exaggerating to say, that at least in our hometown, NYC, there is nearly an epidemic of people on anxiety medications who could instead be taught to manage everyday stress and relieve their symptoms of minor anxiety.

The problem is that emotional discomfort or even pain, like physical pain, is a warning that something isn’t right. We need to pay attention to what it is telling us.

What is the cause of our anxiety? What is the cause of our stress?

For some, treating minor or even moderate symptoms with medication is akin to the “antacid effect.” When you regularly take an acid blocker or an antacid, you are indeed getting rid of your heartburn, but what happens is your stomach ends up producing more acid than ever before to compensate for the artificial reduction of stomach acid.*

In other words, you are masking your body’s messaging system (in this case, the acidic condition) which may be saying: Hey, there’s a problem here that needs to be addressed. Stop eating so much junk food! Lose some weight! Eat slower! Get to the root of the problem.

The symptoms of anxiety are also messages.

If you’ve been reading Therapy Soup you know that we are not anti-medication. Psychiatric medication can and does save lives. Many anxiety disorders are best treated with a combination of medication and therapy, especially if symptoms are so uncomfortable that the individual cannot function or do the rigorous inner work therapy requires.

However, we are against using medication for discomfort that is able to be successfully managed with non-drug techniques.

Therapy or pastoral counseling can offer relief in the case of everyday anxiety.

Of course, eating healthy foods and supplementing with vitamins and minerals may also help, as does exercise and sleep.

We’ve blogged often about the value of relaxing music, meditation, breath work, prayer, and prayerful meditation. Relaxation and stress management techniques, and connecting to the Creator, are all valuable tools and cost nothing. Here are a few articles to get you started.

Healing with Music Relaxation

Healing Your Thoughts: Being and Flowing

Healing Your Thoughts: Imagination and Belief

Manage Your News Consumption and Control Your Stress

Talking and Walking and Loving Your Good Points

Humility, Belief, and Control 

Healing Dolphin Encounter

Ear Acupuncture

Top Ten Life-Stressors That Can Cause Anxiety

Dr. Kennedy’s technique

What if you had a photographic memory? It sounds pretty amazing.

But what if your memory went way beyond photographic, and you could literally remember every single day of your life?

What you ate for breakfast April 25th, 2011…

What day of the week was it on April 25th, 2004 and what you did that day…

What the headline news was on April 25th, 2002…

There are, according to scientists, at least 20 people with hyperthymesia. Individuals with this rare ability are able to recall, without effort, what happened on any given date, assuming that the events had some significance to them.

But it’s not always helpful to have super-human memory.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov (1772-1810) said: People think of forgetting as a problem, but I see it as a great gift.

The Rebbe, who is sometimes called the Doctor of the Soul, said that (troubling) memories interfere in both our material and spiritual paths in life. 

In contradistinction from modern psychology, which generally posits that intrusive memories cannot be forgotten, the Rebbe stressed the need to actually work on forgetting painful, shameful, or embarrassing memories, especially those which lead us to feel badly about ourselves.

While it’s true that there’s a benefit to the way in which psychotherapy often asks us to examine these kinds of memories, we believe that both therapist and patient have to be aware that dealing with painful memories should be a judicious combination of depth and a light touch. After processing and resolving memories like this, they should be explored only to the extent necessary as to how they relate to the present, if at all.

We can do this by working on lovingly detaching from the emotional imprint or response a painful memory creates. Breathing techniques and meditation, biofeedback, and prayer, can assist in helping to deescalate painful emotions associated with memories.

Nobody can resolve every issue in their past and present. We have to be cautious about working on issues that are having a direct, unwanted impact on our lives. Memories that we can lay to rest, we should.

(Photo by Nasa.gov.)

]]> http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/04/putting-it-all-in-perspective/feed/ 0 http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/04/gossip-the-video/ http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/04/gossip-the-video/#comments Wed, 17 Apr 2013 16:54:04 +0000 Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC & C.R. Zwolinski http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/?p=4466 Gossip, like all negative speech, is damaging. Whether it is true or not! It can cause intense pain and even ruin lives.

But, gossip doesn’t just harm the person being gossiped about…think of gossip as third-party verbal abuse. After all, the person listening to it is being pressured to think negatively and disparagingly about others.

This beautiful video illustrates the power of gossip unleashed, and ends with a simple solution. We’ll file it under the “God in Therapy Posts” but no matter what your beliefs, take a look.