C.R. writes:

A friend of mine was feeling depressed about a succession of let-downs in her life. She and I had a great talk on the phone about what to do when people let you down. Here is what we came up with:

We all know the feeling. You’ve spent time helping someone. Perhaps a difficult someone with a challenging or complicated personality. Maybe you helped them get a job. Maybe you fixed them up with a great partner. Maybe you spent sometime helping them get ahead in another life area.

You didn’t do it for a thank you. You did it because you wanted to do something nice for someone.  And then…out of the blue, you hear a rumor that they dissed you. Or they refuse a favor such as picking you up when your car broke down. Or you go out to dinner and they insist on splitting the bill–down to the dime.

Maybe you’ve worked really hard and just know that you are the right person for that promotion. You figure: My boss owes me. Then, the promotion  goes to the guy down the hall who looks like he’s loafing all day.

You feel bitter. Naturally. Right? Well, maybe not. It depends what you expect from others. Understanding and being really aware of your expectation, even taking a “brains-on” approach to managing them can help you get through when you’ve been bitten.

It helps to remember: “Other people aren’t me! They (mostly) don’t think about me and what I want and need. They think about what they want and need.”

We noticed that in (non-abusive) personal relationships, if you place others first and are willing to compromise on the small stuff at least a good percentage of the time, chances are your friend will mirror your behavior. But just don’t expect it! It doesn’t happen all the time.

In the case of giving and not getting back, sometimes it is important to speak up. But use judgment–if speaking up will only create more bad feelings, just forgetting about the situation might be the only option.

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    Last reviewed: 3 Jan 2011