It’s true that we could define depression endlessly as it seems to always be evolving. It seems to be fluid almost, never quite the same from one episode to the next. In the deepest depths of it I feel like I am living with someone that I don’t recognize; that my body is being occupied by myself and this other person that I don’t recognize. At moments the pain is so severe that you sit in disbelief that anyone could feel this bad without having a noticeable physical injury. Often I question “How can I feel so bad?” I am bewildered by it most of the time. It pounces from the shadows of my conciousness and learning to be mindful has helped me keep an eye out for it. I notice more now, the smouldering embers of the fire of my depression that threatens to consume me. But when I look back, when I’m not fully engulfed in it I can see the positive changes it has had on my life. I am a bettr mother because of it. I am so much more aware of the mental health of my kids and I can guide them gently on changing their thinking and approach to life to try to avoid trouble down the road. I see someone having a bad day and hope that is all it is – a bad day and not depression. It has opened up creative aspects in me that I wasnt’ aware I could do. I love to write, but if I had never had this experience I never would have journaled and I would never be writting on these blogs. So,even in my hell, I am thankful for what I have learned from it.
Good post, Gabrielle

Depression and my definitions.
Flare-up(from chronic pain language) return to the pain of depression, physical, and emotional, suicidal thoughts, that comes in waves and then settles to being generally overwhelmed.

Flat- not caring, no emotions, blocked joy, no sense of future, no energy, ‘where did I go?’
Between the extremes of Flat or Flare-up, finally after a few years I found the Neutral Mood/Emotions.
The abiltiy to feel again, and emotions move easily, without the stiffness of Flat or Flare-up.
Neutral Mood/Emotions are a relief and joy, noticing the world outside again. I can say ‘I am back’.
Yet the depression is still present and shows this with the lack of endurance. The energy has not caught up yet. So continuing to following a chronic pain model on pacing, I hope to add time each week to my activities and avoid a relaspe
into the Blocked life of Flatness and Flare-ups.

I am not a writer but was moved by your earlier post as well as this one.
The informal and formal language around depression does not match what I have felt. ‘Crash’ sounds so one way. ‘flare-up’ means hope, systematic pacing to control my life and not have the depression control me. More hope.
And the virtures Patience, Fortitude and Courage
thanks for the articles- more hope
sf

Depression for me is an extremely deep pitch-black hole or like very deep dark water. Like someone before me has written, the pain can be extreme and sometimes i don’t know how to bear it any longer and then the suicidal thoughts are strongest- anything just to make it stop and excape the utter hopelessness in that state.

Thanks for asking that question, I hope many more people will respond.

To me, depression is defined as a black hole – taking everything in and putting/giving nothing out. In my deepest depth of depression, I’m here physically, but not mentally. It’s kinda like I’m acting obsequiously – tagging along and stumbling along the way. Thank goodness today it’s not as deep as it was before………or I could’ve remained there for a lot longer than I want it to be.