I took this photo many years ago, in Germany, where the woodpiles are stacked high in preparation for long, cold winters.

This particular scene was in a forest, with the cut, dead wood being framed by the living. It reminded me of a powerful saying:

When the axe came into the forest,

the trees said,

‘The handle is one of us’.

It’s pretty chilling…

And it seems to outline the dangers of putting loyalty before safety; putting the relationship before the self.

Have you ever done that?

Is it possible you might be doing it now?
Maybe even in small ways that just chip quietly away at you.
That slowly whittle you away…

There’s so many fairytales and myths set in forests like this one, many seeming to warn us of letting the danger in. Of inviting it in. Welcoming it, even, despite the hidden damage it might cause.

So perhaps it’s worth checking out your own life for a second. Your own relationships. In case you’re unwittingly inviting in the axe.

Are there people in your life that you often feel sort of worse off for having interacted with?

And if there are, what exactly is it about their behaviour (and perhaps your response) that does this?

Maybe there’s manipulation involved, where you feel you can’t say ‘no’.
Maybe there’s anger or intimidation. And fear.
Maybe there’s a heaviness, where you feel a sense of responsibility being passed from them to you (emotionally, physically, relationally).

What is the axe that’s coming into your forest at that moment?

And is it possible to see that axe as being different from the person that’s bringing it?
To separate the behaviour from the being?

If so, what might it be like to draw a boundary against that stuff? To stop letting it in. To let it know that it’s no longer welcome in the way it once might have been. To tell the person something of the impact this behaviour has on you, and your shared relationship… and maybe what you’d like to have happen instead.

Maybe to share your hopes.

And if it doesn’t feel safe to do that – to assertively talk with them and lay out your hopes for your relationship – then what?

It’s important to listen to that sense of danger. To stay safe.

Perhaps sometimes that might mean taking a break from their company for a while, as you gather your strength back.
Or maybe it might be about seeking shelter and safety elsewhere.
If your relationship has moved into a space where you feel in danger, it’s vital to get support. (Here are some signs to watch for and some places to seek help).

And while we’re talking about boundaries and safety in relationships, what about your relationship with your self?

In Part 2 of this post, we’ll investigate that other part of the forest a little more…

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Photo: Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar (Grad Dip Counselling & Psychotherapy) is a writer, blogger and Sydney psychotherapist in private practice at One Life Counselling & Psychotherapy. Gabrielle also co-facilitates telephone support groups for people who are living with cancer, for their carers, and for people who have been bereaved through a cancer experience. She was the former editor of a journal on counselling and psychotherapy and she provides regular therapeutic updates on facebook and Twitter @OneLifeTherapy.

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From Psych Central's website:
Boundaries, Safety and Deadwood in Relationships (Part 2) | The Therapist Within (March 12, 2011)

Boundaries, Safety and Deadwood in Relationships by Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar form Psychcentral.com (May 4, 2011)

    Last reviewed: 12 Mar 2011