matrimania Articles

Is That Really a Deficit — Or Just a Difference? Fair-Mindedness in Research and in Life

Monday, January 26th, 2015

strawsIn our everyday lives, we can be intensely aware of the ways we differ from other people. As observers, we cannot help but notice how some people differ from others. When those differences have the potential to be viewed negatively, we are confronted with one of the most fundamental issues in matters of fairness: Is the difference really a deficit, or is it just a difference?

Some of the most significant stories of social justice are those that succeed in achieving a widespread transformation in ways of thinking – from a prejudice that sees the difference as a deficit to a more fair-minded assessment of the difference as just that, a difference.


5 Keys to Effective and Joyful Independent Parenting: Part 2 by Tricia Parker

Friday, January 23rd, 2015

TriciaParker240[Bella’s intro: In the previous post, guest blogger Tricia Parker shared her difficult and painful experiences from when she first became an “independent parent.” Eventually, though, she learned quite a lot about how to be an independent parent in ways that were enriching to herself, her children, and other parents and their children. She shares this wisdom with us in Part 2 of her two-part article.]


Debunking Parenting Myths: Guest Post by Tricia Parker, Part 1

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

hands[Bella’s intro: I’ve never met Tricia Parker, but when she sent me a very moving and wise e-mail about her experiences as what she calls an “independent parent,” I immediately asked her if she would share her observations here with Single at Heart readers. Happily, she agreed. In this first of two parts, she describes the most painful years. In Part 2, she reveals the keys to her emergence into a happy, healthy, empowered, and productive place for herself and her children. Thanks so much, Tricia!]


Some Ways Married People Are Privileged and Single People Are Not

Friday, January 16th, 2015

giftsThe explosion of racial tensions over the summer brought the notion of “white privilege” to the forefront of our cultural conversations. Americans have become increasingly familiar with the ways in which people enjoy unearned advantages just because they are white (“white privilege”) or male (“male privilege”) or young or heterosexual. But a vast swath of privileges that advantage half the adult population has gone mostly unrecognized.


Should Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend, and Do Single People Count as People?

Sunday, January 11th, 2015

friendsIn the past couple of days, the media has gotten all excited about some new research claiming to show that getting married makes people happier. You should always be suspicious of claims like that, as I’ve explained before. And, as I’ve shown in great detail, the particular research getting all the attention has not actually shown that getting married makes you happier.

The first thing you need to do if you want to make the case that getting married makes people happier (even though it doesn’t) is to show that people who got married are happier than people who stayed single. Then, once you do that, you can go on to try to demonstrate that marriage (and not something else) is what made them happier. But the authors’ data, when analyzed properly, shows that in Central and Eastern Europe, Latin America, the Caribbean, South Asia, and Southeast Asia, people who stay single are actually happier than those who get married! And in Western Europe (excluding the UK) and the Commonwealth of Independent States (including Russia), people who stay single are just as happy as those who get married.

Here, I want to take on another claim made by the authors, Grover and Helliwell: that the explanation for why marriage makes people happier (even though it doesn’t) is that married people (or at least some of them) enjoy the benefits of having a close friend and confidant in their spouse. The New York Times said that the findings from the research suggested this advice: “Find a spouse who is also your best friend.”


The One, the Ones, or the Many?

Thursday, January 8th, 2015

In my previous post, I announced this year’s National Singles Day celebration (details are also repeated at the end of this post), and considered the question of how, if at all, single people should be celebrated. Now, as promised, I want to address the matter of tying singles day celebrations to dates with the number one in them.


How Many Married or Partnered People Wish They Were Single?

Saturday, December 27th, 2014

We Americans – and others, too – often read a lot into marital status. Tell us that those people over there are married and we will assume that they like it that way – they are married because they want to be. Tell us that those other people are single and we make an entirely different assumption – that they are “stuck” being single and what they really want is to become unsingle.

When I write or give talks about single people, I am sometimes asked how many single people wish they were married. When I’m asked that question, I turn it around and suggest that the parallel question also needs to be raised: How many married people wish they were single? Because of our assumptions that married people want to be married, social scientists rarely ask that question directly.

Until now. In a previous post, I told you about Professor Jeffrey Arnett‘s survey of 25-39 year-olds, and his finding that having time to themselves ranked above nine other potential sources of joy in their lives. He and his coauthor also asked married people if they wished they were single and single people if they wish they were married.


Holiday Pity Parties for Single People

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014

I was browsing at Pottery Barn the other day when I overheard one of the other shoppers tell a saleswoman that she was buying something for her brother because “he’s single and doesn’t have any kids and doesn’t get anything” for Christmas. It was one of those many frustrating times when I know I want to say something but don’t come up with it until hours later. (Or maybe I should be grateful I did not think more quickly and proceed to create a scene in the store.)

What bothered me about the shopper’s comment was the pity in it. Holiday seasons seem to be magnets for the pity of people who are coupled and feel sorry for those who are not, and for those who are parents and are just so very sorry for those who have no children.

Here are a few of the things I wish the shopper had realized:


How Marriage Undermines Equality Among Harvard Faculty

Wednesday, December 17th, 2014

In my last post here, I critiqued a study published in the Harvard Business Review on the ever-popular topic of why fewer women than men reach the positions of greatest power in the workplace. My problem was that the article only addressed the experiences of married people, especially if they were married with children.

Around the same time, Harvard Magazine published the results of a study of their faculty members. Again, “work/life balance” was the topic. (I hate that phrase. Why can’t work be part of your life?) So in the survey, the faculty members were asked how many hours they spent working and how many they spent on household duties.


Harvard Business Review Cares about Women’s Success — But Only If They Are Married with Children

Sunday, December 14th, 2014

shutterstock_172080614The December 2014 issue of the Harvard Business Review features an article that has already made the pages of the New York Times. Titled “Rethink what you ‘know’ about high-achieving women,” the piece presents the results of a survey of more than 25,000 graduates of Harvard Business School. The authors focused mostly on the MBAs between the ages of 26 and 67. They wanted to know if they could discover anything new about the gender gap in leadership.

Why do women end up rising to less impressive positions in the workplace than their male counterparts? It is happening even among the elite graduates of Harvard Business School. What’s that about?


 

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