Love & Affection Articles

The Best of Single Life

Sunday, September 14th, 2014

single_lifeAs the number of single people continues to grow, now reaching somewhere around half of all adults in the U.S., it is getting harder and harder to insist that all these single people are sad and lonely and bemoaning their status. There are now well over 100 million single people. (I’ll address the question of whether there are really more single people than married ones in the U.S. in a later post.) It is time to stop assuming that they all want to know what they did “wrong” to end up single or how they can be “fixed up,” as if they are somehow broken. Sure, some people would like to be married. But plenty actually love their single lives and intend to remain single. I’ve named this blog, “Single at Heart,” after those people.

Even the single people who eventually want to marry are rarely just wallowing in self-pity about their single status. Increasingly, they want to live their single lives fully and joyfully, and take advantage of every opportunity that single life offers.

So what is it that single life does offer to those open to embracing it?


The State of Singles in the U.S., for a Publication Reporting on Singles Around the World

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

shutterstock_145434979In the Netherlands, a publication called Individual and Society is about to publish its 100th issue. They have a theme – the state of single people around the world. They have asked people in different countries to write brief overviews of single people in their country, which they will translate into Dutch. They asked me to write about singles in the U.S. Below is the first draft of what I submitted to them.

How Many Adults in the United States Are Not Married?

The number of single people in the United States has been growing for decades. In 1970, only 28 percent of all American adults, 18 and older, were single (divorced, widowed, or always-single). By 2013, that number had increased to 44 percent.

Most single people, 62 percent, have always been single. Another 24 percent are divorced, and the other 14 percent are widowed.

How Do Single (Unmarried) Americans Live?

The vast majority of unmarried Americans are not living with a romantic partner. Of the 105 million Americans 18 and older who were not married in 2013, only 14 million of them were cohabiting.

The popularity of living alone has increased greatly over time. In 1970, 17 percent of all American households were comprised of one person. By 2013, 27 percent of all households were 1-person households; that equates to 34 million Americans living alone.

Of the 105 million unmarried Americans, only 34 million live alone and only 14 million live with a romantic partner. That means that most single Americans live with other people such as friends, family members, roommates, or some combination.

What Is the Political Status of Single People in the United States?

Single people are targets of systematic discrimination in the United States. Just on the federal level, there are more than 1,000 laws affording benefits and protections only to people who are legally married. Many of these are tax benefits. Single people are also disadvantaged in their old-age pensions (Social Security). Single people cannot give their Social Security benefits to anyone else when they die; and, no other person can give their Social Security benefits to …


Single in Poland: Meaningful Work, and Connections to Family and Friends

Saturday, September 6th, 2014

shutterstock_157606439In my previous post, “Why are you single? International edition,” I described what single people in Poland had to say about why they were living single. The research came from Julita Czernecka’s book, Single and the City. In her research, the author interviewed 60 financially stable college graduates between the ages of 27 and 41 who had not been in a serious romantic relationship for at least two years, had never been married and had no children.

Here I want to share more about the lives of single people in Poland, and add some of my own observations about how their experiences seem to compare to those of single people in the U.S.


Why Are You Single? International Edition

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

81nBFoHrKTLBy now, you have probably seen far too many of those “why are you single” articles. Way too often, the authors treat singlehood as a disease that needs to be cured, and they tell you what you did wrong that led you to get (or stay) sick. I’ve made fun of those singles-bashing lists and also offered some more positive takes on single life in The Real Reasons for Living Single.

In addition to the disease-mentality, there is something else that is troubling about those articles – they are almost always just the opinions of some outside observer. They rarely ask single people what they think about their single lives.

Happily, that has changed with a new typology offered by the Polish sociologist Julita Czernecka, author of Single and the City. She asked a select group of Polish single people – 30 men and 30 women – to talk about their single lives. The people she interviewed are not a representative sample of Polish singles, so her results are more suggestive than definitive. I think they provide a good alternative, though, to people who offer nothing but their own opinion as to why other people are single.

The 60 singles Czernecka interviewed fit the profile of people she was most interested in learning about. They were financially stable college graduates between the ages of 27 and 41 who had not been in a serious romantic relationship for at least two years. None had ever been married and none had children, but they were all still old enough to have children if they ever wanted to.

Here are the 5 types of single people she found. (She did not say how many were in each category.)

  1. Happy singles: These are single people who “fully accept their lifestyle.” They “do not feel the need to be in a relationship.” In fact, they say that they are happy not to be in a serious romantic relationship. They are probably the people I would call single at heart.
  2. Accustomed singles: They are similar in many ways to the happy singles, but instead of saying …

Are the Upper Classes the Most Biased Against Single People?

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014

shutterstock_120673879We don’t need to wonder whether single people are stereotyped. Years ago, my colleagues and I conducted a series of studies to see how people view single people. The results documented widespread singlism – people viewed singles more harshly than married people in many ways (for example, as less mature, more self-centered, more envious, and less well-adjusted). Both men and women perceived single people in more negative ways than they viewed married people. People who were in romantic relationships were critical of single people, but so were people who were not in such relationships.


What Really Happens at ‘The Great Love Debate’? Guest Post by Kim Calvert

Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

calvert[Bella's intro: There are some events I would never want to attend, such as ones that pose the question, "Why is everyone still single," as if that's a bad thing. Fortunately, the wonderful Kim Calvert went to one iteration of "The Great Love Debate" so we don't have to. Even more fortunately, Kim brings her much more enlightened attitude to the task of reporting back to us. Thanks, Kim! Readers, you can find out more about Kim in the "About the Author" section at the end. And one more thing: If you want to know the real reasons for living single, check this out.]


She’s 90, Has Always Been Single, and Would Do It All Over Again

Saturday, July 26th, 2014

shutterstock_97588136Starting in the early 1800s, some of the young women in the Guangdong section of China made a most unusual decision – they committed to staying single for the rest of their lives. They are called zishunuself-combed women. When they left their parents’ home, it was to work, not marry.


How Living Alone Will Transform Men

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

shutterstock_103445315Writings about single life – both popular and academic – focus overwhelmingly on women. Because marriage, traditionally, is supposed to be more important to women than to men, in theory more central to their identities and their happiness, single life should be especially problematic for women. Research begs to disagree about the happiness presumption, but no matter. Angst-filled writings about women living single continue to proliferate.

Alongside the tired old tales of those “poor” single women is a counter-narrative. It is one of strength, fulfillment, and independence. That story is often told of single women who live alone.


Now Featuring: The Woman Who Wanted to Live Alone and Die Alone

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

In a world awash with matrimania and the easy story lines it suggests, it is startling to find something, even in the most prestigious of publications, that dispenses with the romantic clichés and tells a whole different story. So it was with the short story in the July 7 &14, 2014 issue of the New Yorker.

The author is Allegra Goodman, perhaps my favorite short story writer. A previous story, “La Vita Nuova,” is a masterpiece. It is about a wedding dress, but it is not the story anyone else would write about that.


Don’t Marry Yourself. Period. – Guest Post by Terri Trespicio

Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

Terri Trespicio[Bella's intro: Probably about once a year, someone asks me what I think of the idea of marrying yourself. I've never written about the topic. Happily, the very insightful Terri Trespicio has some smart ideas on the matter, and I was delighted that she was willing to share them with "Single at Heart" readers. Thanks, Terri! By the way, Terri was featured on the cover of a Boston Magazine story, "Single by choice: Why more of us than ever before are happy to never get married."]


 

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Recent Comments
  • Bella DePaulo, Ph.D: Thanks for posting this and including the link. I had been seeing mentions but not with the...
  • iola: Bella This was in the Australian press today http://www.bloomberg.com/news/ 2014-09-09/single-americans...
  • bob: This study about the singles in Poland is interesting. I can identify with it in the sense that I don’t...
  • 10landa: Bella A good list, but I’m not sure how these people fit in – there are a lot of singles that...
  • Simone: There’s the judgment and ostracism of the single/without children women out there in the world, and...
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