Sexual Sobriety

In sexual addiction treatment, clinicians help clients carefully self-define the sexual behaviors that do not compromise or destroy their meaningful personal values, life circumstances, and relationships. Clients then commit in a written sexual sobriety contract to only engage in sexual behaviors that are permitted within the bounds of that predetermined pact. As long as the client’s behavior remains within his or her concretely and mutually defined boundaries, that individual is sexually sober. (I have written extensively about “boundary plans” in a previous blog) But how can we help sex addicts deal in healthy ways with the people, places, and things that trigger them to act out? After all, every time they leave the treatment setting the real world awaits-with all the same temptations as ever (and, thanks to the ever-expanding Internet, probably a few new ones).

As mentioned in last week’s blog, sexual sobriety does NOT entail long-term sexual abstinence. Often, a 30 to 90 day “cooling off” period of complete abstinence from all sexual behavior, including masturbation, is recommended when an addict enters treatment—mainly to help the addict gain perspective on his or her problematic behaviors—but in no way, shape, or form is ongoing abstinence the goal.

In fact, the heavy lifting of sex addiction recovery is not this short period away from sexual behavior; it is instead the gradual (re)introduction of healthy sexuality into the addict’s life.

But if sexual sobriety doesn’t require total sexual abstinence in the way that chemical sobriety requires total abstinence from alcohol and addictive drugs, what does it require?

Generally speaking, to achieve sexual sobriety sex addicts must define—working in conjunction with a knowledgeable sex addiction therapist, a 12-step recovery sponsor, or some other sexual recovery accountability partner—the sexual behaviors that do not compromise or destroy the addict’s values (fidelity, not hurting others, etc.), life circumstances (keeping a job, not getting arrested, etc.), and relationships.

The addict then commits in a written sexual sobriety contract to only engage in sexual behavior that is permitted within the bounds of that predetermined pact. As long as the addict’s sexual behavior remains within his or her concretely defined boundaries, the individual is sexually sober. It is important that these plans be put in writing, and that they clearly define the addict’s bottom line behaviors to be eliminated.

What is Sexual Sobriety?

Having spent two decades working with relationship and sexual addicts—male and female, straight and gay, younger and older—I have come to accept that people entering sex addiction recovery typically have little to no idea of what achieving “sexual sobriety” really means or entails. This confusion is in sharp contrast to nearly any alcoholic or drug addict entering treatment, who more or less already knows that he or she will have to abstain completely from alcohol and/or illicit drugs to be sober.

Unsurprisingly, the most frequently asked question by newcomers to sexual addiction treatment is: “Am I ever going to be able to have a healthy, regular sex life, or will I have to give up sex forever?” And this question is usually followed by a statement along the lines of, “If I have to give up sex permanently, then you can forget my staying in treatment.”

Fortunately, unlike sobriety for alcoholism and drug addiction, sexual sobriety is not defined by ongoing abstinence—though a short period away from sex is often recommended as a brief, early part of the healing process. Ultimately, sexual addiction treatment addresses sobriety in much the same way it is handled in the treatment of eating disorders, another area where sobriety does not mean permanently abstaining. (You can’t very well abstain from eating!)

10) Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

So Much More Than Maintenance

Sex addicts, like all addicts, can be surprisingly resistant to the idea of participating in 12-step sexual recovery programs such as SA, SAA, SCA, SLAA, and SRA. Ironically, the same men and women who regularly engage in compulsive, sometimes illegal and often public sexual acts often worry they’ll be “spotted” at a 12-step sex meeting.

The fact that they’ve posted personal information and nude photos of themselves on dating websites and “friend finder” smart-phone apps, have repeatedly looked at pornography at work, or had an angry spouse tell everyone he or she knows about their sexual behavior matters not at all. The reality escapes these individuals that the only people likely to spot a sex addict at a 12-step sexual recovery meeting are other sex addicts who are dealing with the same basic set of problems, and these are the last people on earth likely to gossip about or place a value judgment on another’s sexual history.

Nevertheless, some sex addicts fight the idea of attending 12-step recovery groups, so it is up to the therapist to bring the themes, neurological rewiring, and overall experience of step-work into the treatment arena.

Tech-Connect: the Good, the Bad, the Ugly

For many of us, digital information gathering and online interaction have become integrated into our daily routine from the first multitasking moments. We check email, tweet and text, update Facebook, and simultaneously peruse “newspapers” from all over the globe, all while draining the morning coffee. And we do all of this on faster, more sophisticated, more portable and affordable electronic devices than ever before.

This incredible array of sophisticated interconnectivity provides endless new opportunities to support our very traditional human needs for community and social interaction. Innovations like Facebook, with over 500 million users, and Twitter, with over 300 million users, offer real-time interactions with an increasingly wider and more diverse group of people.

Friends and family who may have been too distant for regular contact just a few years ago can now be intimately folded into our lives. For partners, spouses and families separated for long periods of time by work or military service, the tech-connect boom is a godsend. Couples are now able to bond long-distance in real time, share a growing child’s latest milestone, and even engage in visual intimacy via the webcams now routinely incorporated into computers and smart-phones.

Those not yet in a committed relationship can put technology to good use when home or traveling via e-dating—establishing and growing budding relationships with a decreasing focus on who lives where. We make friends, we share and grow from our experiences, we celebrate, and we commiserate—one world, a growing interactive community.

One downside of the tech-connect boom is that whenever human access to intensely pleasurable and arousing substances, like cocaine and crystal meth, previously rare treats, like refined sugar and sweets (now on sale at every gas station), or experiences, like gambling and sex, is increased, the potential for impulsivity, compulsivity, and addiction rears its ugly head.

The Therapeutic Use of Abstinence in Relationship and Sexual Addiction Recovery

Try telling a sex addict to stop pursuing and having sex for a month or more and you may quickly find yourself pushed aside for a more enabling (and less directive) therapist, sponsor or friend. Inform a profoundly love addicted (attachment disordered or trauma survivor) woman – the one who lives to seduce – that she can’t wear provocative clothing or makeup for at least 2-3 weeks and you will quickly learn about her level of dedication to recovery and change.

Such is the initial challenge of cognitive-behavioral treatment with sex and love addicts. In truth, a period of abstinence from sexual and romantic behavior, combined with contracted and prescribed boundaries around romance/seduction/dress, can be highly useful clinical tools toward expanding a sex and love addict’s sobriety skill set. This is especially true when working with individuals who’ve spent their whole lives seeing themselves and others as objects.

Why Abstain from Sex and Romance?

Active sex and relationship addicts base their adult self-worth on whether or not they are desirable and typically think, “I have value if I can get x, y or z to desire me sexually.” As such, they objectify themselves and others completely, often viewing their lives and relationships through a lens of conquest, seduction and intensity. This can sadly make the most mundane activities, like finding oneself in an elevator with an attractive stranger or walking past a good-looking person in the grocery aisle, a sexually charged opportunity to pursue people as objects.

Chronically distant and emotionally detached partners are often on the hunt for their mirror selves – the one who will draw them in with romantic intensity and then distance themselves when things get too close. Intimacy avoidant individuals unconsciously check out when their relationship starts to feel too close, whether related to an emotional, physical or sexual connection. Examples include:

• The working husband who rarely returns home in time to see his wife still awake
• The wife who puts her entire emotional self into childcare, leaving nothing leftover to meet the needs of her neglected spouse
• The serial dater, consistently bouncing from one intensity-based superficial relationship to the next
• The “modern” couple, too distracted by smartphones, laptops and video to prioritize an emotional connection

The Love Addict/Avoidance Cycle

Outwardly often an unlikely couple, the consistent (often maternal) and desperate seduction of the relationship/love addict is a forever flame for his or her opposite – the intimacy-phobic avoidant. Their emotional dance is one of endlessly circling one another, but never quite allowing themselves to connect.

In some ways the holidays can be a set-up for feeling bad. Our media-reinforced expectations of a warm, loving family-driven holiday season are often challenged by very real feelings of loneliness and disappointment. Those also saddled with a history of addiction or other emotional problems may find themselves longing for tangible ways to escape the emotional tension that this period brings.

This next two weeks, perhaps more than at any other time of year, not only puts more emotional pressure on all of us, but also provides the unstructured time, endless food, candy and drink and intense family interaction, which can challenge the most health conscious and well balanced among us, For those men and women who struggle with love, relationship and sex addictions, this is relapse season.

There’s a saying in addiction recovery that “we’re only as sick as our secrets.” Even after completing drug addiction treatment, some people continue to keep long-held secrets and/or act out in unhealthy ways. Much to the dismay of concerned family and friends and despite their best attempts at healing, some men and women may find themselves relapsing repeatedly on drugs and alcohol, even though they’ve tried counseling, 12-Step programs and drug rehab.

Is the chronic relapser doomed to a life plagued by addiction? Was drug rehab a waste of time?

Chronic relapse has varied causes. For some, ongoing stressors such as family dysfunction and major life transitions can trigger a return to drug or alcohol abuse. Others may stop using drugs only to “transfer” their addiction to other substances or behaviors that stimulate the reward circuitry in the brain, such as gambling, spending, overeating or sex. In some cases, an unrecognized and untreated sex or love addiction may contribute to the relapse cycle.

Dating seems to confound even the most rational among us. Dan, a 31-year old sociology professor put it this way, “I don’t know what it is about me, I can teach classes about the meaning of relationships, but I can’t seem to actually get one of my own going. I go on a few dates; maybe it gets hot with women or another for a while, but eventually just ends up right back where I started… single! Usually I give up in frustration for a while, just to start all over again. I can’t figure out why I haven’t gotten hitched. Is something wrong with me or are there just no good women out there?”

To clarify the concept, Wikipedia* – the ultimate, hip online encyclopedia, offers the following definition of dating:

…An occasion when one socializes with a potential lover or spouse to communicate with and to understand each other better. The purpose of a date is to become acquainted with each other and decide whether to enter a relationship. During dates, people often explore each other’s personalities, to discover whether or not they would be compatible together in a relationship.

Dating experts advise that finding a suitable companion can take a lot of effort and easily be as time consuming and involved as a career move, not to mention hard on your self esteem. Dating is a numbers game, the more potential spouses you meet, the better chance you have of finding a good one. Unfortunately too many people give up looking too quickly.