“Really listening is like dying for a minute” Michael L. Alvarez, MFT

You can make the art of listening work for you in your recovery.  Practicing real listening gives us a chance to practice basic recovery skills.

Addicts and people with intimacy issues are not particularly good at listening to other people.  Really listening to someone demands a level of awareness and a kind of attending that every addict needs to acquire.

Why listening is like love

Continue reading… »

In my April 6 2013 post “New Anti Porn Laws on the Way” I described recent attempts by three countries to make and/or enforce laws that would effectively prohibit adult pornography on the internet, specifically in the UK, Iceland and Egypt.

I said that such laws were a long way off in the US.  I received a correction from my acquaintance Dawn Hawkins at Morality in Media’s Pornharms.com.

Continue reading… »

The manic hypersexuality often characteristic of bipolar disorder and the possibility of bipolar disorder in those diagnosed with sex addiction are sometimes difficult to untangle.

According to a handful of studies reported in the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) article “Opening the Door on Hypersexuality,” the prevalence of hypersexuality among people with bipolar disorder is anywhere from 25 to 80% with an average estimate of 57%.  NAMI states:

Continue reading… »

There are many ways in which the mere viewing of adult internet pornography can get you in trouble. Many porn users and porn addicts are unaware of these legal traps or choose not to think about them.

But even if the porn has entirely adult content and even if there are no real children depicted anywhere in it, there are ways porn addicts and porn users can get in trouble.

Continue reading… »

You hear a lot about the potential evils of the online pornography epidemic.  Now some governments are starting to make moves to seriously regulate the availability of pornography.  Their attitudes and rationales are all over the map.

There are laws in the U.S. and elsewhere against pornography involving or depicting children.  But there is increasing concern about pornography in general.

Continue reading… »

Many sex addiction therapists base their thinking on the idea that real or “relational” sex, sex with a real person as opposed to porn, cybersex or masturbation is healthier in some way.  They tend to believe that a preference for non-relational sex is not entirely healthy and that it is often the basis of sexual addiction.

Other clinicians and many people generally feel that it is wrong to place relational sex on a pedestal.

Continue reading… »

I have heard from any number of women who are understandably shocked and confused to find out that the man they are seeing or married to has been having sexual experiences with other men.  Sometimes it is in the form of actual sexual encounters in various situations and sometimes it is only in the context of cybersex experiences.  These are situations in which the relationship had previously seemed like a normal heterosexual one.  Often it is confusing to the man as well who feels he cares for and is genuinely attracted to his female partner.

Straight men who are interested in gay sex are not at all uncommon. 

Continue reading… »

“Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens”             Jimi Hendrix

Recovering addicts often resist participating 12-step programs for addiction because they seem to rely so heavily on the notion of “God.”  Even though the programs often use the terms “higher power” or “God of your understanding” some people feel overwhelmed with what they feel as oppressive religiosity.

Continue reading… »

You don’t have to be a sex addict to get totally distracted by a great looking woman (or a great looking man for that matter, especially if you are gay).  But everybody looks at women; men look at women and women look at women.  And women who appear in an obviously sexy manner will get almost anybody’s attention, at least momentarily.

Sex addicts in recovery are encouraged to see sexual gaze as problematic behavior. 

Continue reading… »

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Can you ever forgive the betrayal by a sex addict partner?  The addict has led a double life and lied to your face.  The relationship you have with a spouse or partner is supposed to be the primary relationship in your life, your primary loyalty.   The addict has done violence to the bond you held sacred.

Continue reading… »