Relationships Articles

Using Polygraph Tests to Keep Sex Addicts Honest

Monday, July 21st, 2014

Costs Benefits Choices On Signpost Showing Analysis And Value Of An InvestmentAsking a sex addict to take a polygraph seemed ludicrous to me at first. First off, it seems like something you do with a criminal, not with a patient who has come in for help with a sexually compulsive behavior.

It is certainly true that addicts are world class liars. In fact, as I have argued in previous posts, they often seem sociopathic in their dishonesty and lack of accountability to anyone. But in treatment we are trying to help addicts learn to be honest. We want to promote honesty as a value, not coerce them into it with police tactics.

I recently presided over a formal disclosure with an addict and his wife along with her therapist. The addict disclosed “everything” about his history of leading a double life including extensive use of prostitutes, strip clubs, sexual massage parlors and pornography.

Later in a group therapy session he was discussing the fact that his wife still felt he was keeping secrets. I said that sometimes therapists recommend a polygraph test and he quickly said he was unwilling to consider that. He added that he would be afraid to take a polygraph because there were things he hadn’t told his wife. It turned out that these were not minor details either. In this case the mere mention of a polygraph was enough to get the addict to come clean with the group, the therapist and ultimately his wife.

So what would be the rational for considering or discussing the use of polygraphs with sex addicts or couples?

For the sake of the addict

For sex addiction recovery honesty is not a luxury; it is a necessity. Obviously addicts cannot address their problems in treatment if the nature or extent of those problems is hidden. The goal of sex addiction treatment is not just abstaining from a compulsive behavior pattern. It also involves breaking down the compartmentalization of the addict’s life: the normal life vs. the secret sexual acting out life. The new and healthier way of living is one in …

Leaving a Sex Addict: 5 Frequently Asked Questions

Wednesday, July 16th, 2014

Businessman Chasing His WomanDivorce is always a big adjustment and often carries with it a period of grief and other strong emotions. But breaking up with a sex addict brings its own strange set of challenges.  Here are some of the questions people in this situation have to deal with.

9 Good Reasons to Stay with a Sex Addict

Monday, July 7th, 2014

happy coupleI do not take sides on the issue of whether it is better to stay in a marriage or committed relationship with a sex addict or whether it is better to get away and start over.  I think there are many valid arguments on both sides depending on the situation.

The Inner World of a Sex Addict

Monday, June 30th, 2014

looking insideA reader asked how it feels for a sex addict to lead a double life. This is an interesting question and to some extent the answer is “It depends on the addict.”

New studies in progress using the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory), The Millon Clinical Inventory and the Sexual Dependency Inventory suggest that different general types of sexually addictive behavior tend to clump together with different personality types or traits. These types vary from less to more severe.

4 Tips to Avoid Picking an Addict

Monday, June 9th, 2014

Man shaking woman handI was starting a romantic relationship a while back with a guy I liked a lot. I was talking to a friend about it and the friend said “how does he get along with your dog?” This was a striking question at the time because the guy, as nice as he seemed, didn’t relate to the dog at all! As it turned out I should have trusted my friend– and the dog.

When is Flirting a Sign of Sexual Addiction?

Monday, May 26th, 2014

young man and wemen at the barFlirting is a normal part of life. Not only is it enjoyable, it is a healthy part of courtship. And yet flirting is problem for a large proportion of the sex addict patients I see, I’m guessing maybe a third or more of them.

5 Signs you are Involved with a Narcissist

Monday, April 21st, 2014

narcissismBasically you can’t get close to a narcissist.  A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well.  Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely tortuous and confusing experience.

Sex Addicts Should Get Out of the Dog House

Monday, April 14th, 2014

Fell into profound sleepRebuilding a relationship after the upheaval of sex addiction is a slow process.  It demands a great deal from both the sex addict and the spouse or partner.

How to Divorce Your Toxic Relatives

Monday, April 7th, 2014

family dysfunctionMany people have relatives who are hazardous to their mental health.   In all family systems there are roles and expectations for each member.  And there are established rules, both spoken and unspoken.

Waiting to Trust: Life in Recovery Limbo

Sunday, March 23rd, 2014

Couple having an argumentFor the partner of a sex addict, even one who is in recovery for a year or two, mistrust can develop a life of its own. The addict seems to be doing everything right but for some reason you are unable to feel happy or at peace. Sometimes even little things may trigger the old feeling of being flooded with emotion. What follows is based on the common experiences of my clients and my own life experience.

Check Out Linda Hatch's books,
Relationships in Recovery & Living with a Sex Addict.

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Recent Comments
  • buddy: I had a short-term relationship with a sex addict.The beginning of this relationship was an affair on her...
  • TPG: Methinks that any marriage that needs polygraphs to continue is a marriage better off ended. I also think, why...
  • Calendula: I am STILL angry and feel betrayed by my ex. That was six years ago. Turns out, he was an NPD sex addict....
  • SwirlWoman: We tried counseling in the spring, but he said that was what sent him to the 2 other women. I knew going...
  • Lauren: I wish I knew, because I am not there myself. I still have intense anger as well as overwhelming pain. How...
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