If you are a clinician working with sex addicts you may be struck by how often the addict is desperate to save their marriage or relationship.  Sometimes to the point of being so obsessed with holding onto their relationship that it interferes with their focusing on treatment.

It may not be immediately obvious why this is so.  Addicts appear to be focused mainly on themselves. Typically they:

Many people, both men and women, cheat on the person they are in a relationship with; at least 20-30% admit it depending on which data you are looking at and how the research questions are phrased.  Some people cheat very rarely and others cheat a lot.

Some people cheat repeatedly but do not meet the criteria for sex addiction.  Others who cheat repeatedly use cheating as a sexually addictive behavior and can definitely benefit from being given appropriate treatment. 

So how do you tell the two apart? 

“Really listening is like dying for a minute” Michael L. Alvarez, MFT

You can make the art of listening work for you in your recovery.  Practicing real listening gives us a chance to practice basic recovery skills.

Addicts and people with intimacy issues are not particularly good at listening to other people.  Really listening to someone demands a level of awareness and a kind of attending that every addict needs to acquire.

Why listening is like love

Many sex addiction therapists base their thinking on the idea that real or “relational” sex, sex with a real person as opposed to porn, cybersex or masturbation is healthier in some way.  They tend to believe that a preference for non-relational sex is not entirely healthy and that it is often the basis of sexual addiction.

Other clinicians and many people generally feel that it is wrong to place relational sex on a pedestal.

I have heard from any number of women who are understandably shocked and confused to find out that the man they are seeing or married to has been having sexual experiences with other men.  Sometimes it is in the form of actual sexual encounters in various situations and sometimes it is only in the context of cybersex experiences.  These are situations in which the relationship had previously seemed like a normal heterosexual one.  Often it is confusing to the man as well who feels he cares for and is genuinely attracted to his female partner.

Straight men who are interested in gay sex are not at all uncommon. 

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Can you ever forgive the betrayal by a sex addict partner?  The addict has led a double life and lied to your face.  The relationship you have with a spouse or partner is supposed to be the primary relationship in your life, your primary loyalty.   The addict has done violence to the bond you held sacred.

If you have ever tried to relate to a serious narcissist you will realize that there is something different about it.  Because narcissists are deeply insecure they need to constantly establish their power and worth.  They are not like hypnotists they literally are hypnotists.  It’s how they relate.  The normal feelings you get with someone you like, feeling like you have “good chemistry” or feeling like you “hit it off” bear no resemblance to falling under the spell of a true narcissist.

The sexual hookup culture seems to be in the process of crowding out traditional dating.

Sexual hooking up is common among college age youth and in sexually active kids of high school age.

But recent findings suggest that it may exist on a continuum from normal exploration to harmful and even addictive sexual behavior.

What is a sexual hookup?

Being a “victim” has a bad name.  When we call some one a victim it’s like we’re saying they are a whiner, that they lack backbone.  But being stuck in a victim role is far more complicated than that.

First of all there are times when we really are victims.  Anyone can fall victim to an assault, an unforeseen calamity, or identity theft.

When we are the victims of these kinds of things it is psychologically important to accept that we are in fact a victim.  It would be unhealthy to deny that we are vulnerable and can get hurt.  At these times it is a sign of strength to look for sympathy and support.

Getting stuck in a victim identity

Therapy can be too intimate for a sex addict

Sex addicts present their own particular pitfalls for a therapist.  Sex addicts by definition have some kind of intimacy disability.  They have been unable comfortably be themselves in an intimate relationship and have led compartmentalized, deceitful lives.

The sex addict sitting across from me wants to avoid being open and intimate.Therapy is a frightening situation because it is supposed to be one of vulnerability and openness. 

The sex addict will typically look for a way to change the nature of the relationship.