Porn Addiction can be notoriously hard to quit.  Relapse is the norm, at least in the initial months of recovery.  Many recovering porn addicts quit for a long period, sometimes by giving up their computers entirely, sometimes with the use of blocking software, only to relapse again.

The harm reduction approach to addiction treatment is conceived as an alternative to total abstinence form the substance or behavior and involves techniques to reduce the risks that go along with addiction.  The early harm reduction techniques originated in 1972 in the Netherlands as an approach to drug addiction.  Early harm reduction, later called “normalization”  involved things like needle exchanges and methadone maintenance for drug addicts.  Recently the term has been used to describe system of care services that are interdisciplinary, empowering, and involving the family and community.

For many of us in recovery it is a challenge to go out into the world in an authentic and confident way.  Addicts tend to be shame based and intimacy avoidant.  In other words they are in hiding.

The common history of childhood trauma or attachment issues leaves most addicts with the core beliefs that they are unworthy, that no one will want to be there for them and that no one will ever like the real them.  And so addicts learn early to reach for a drug to meet their needs.

These negative beliefs lead to psychological problems in the area of self expression, self assertion and being available to connect with other people.  Many addicts develop a narcissistic defense which they present to the world to cover their insecurities.

They feel that the genuine “me” is inadequate or, as Jonathan Young of the Joseph Campbell Archive says, “Shame does not speak up.”

Strategies for being out in the world in an authentic way

If you are a clinician working with sex addicts you may be struck by how often the addict is desperate to save their marriage or relationship.  Sometimes to the point of being so obsessed with holding onto their relationship that it interferes with their focusing on treatment.

It may not be immediately obvious why this is so.  Addicts appear to be focused mainly on themselves. Typically they:

Many people, both men and women, cheat on the person they are in a relationship with; at least 20-30% admit it depending on which data you are looking at and how the research questions are phrased.  Some people cheat very rarely and others cheat a lot.

Some people cheat repeatedly but do not meet the criteria for sex addiction.  Others who cheat repeatedly use cheating as a sexually addictive behavior and can definitely benefit from being given appropriate treatment. 

So how do you tell the two apart? 

“Really listening is like dying for a minute” Michael L. Alvarez, MFT

You can make the art of listening work for you in your recovery.  Practicing real listening gives us a chance to practice basic recovery skills.

Addicts and people with intimacy issues are not particularly good at listening to other people.  Really listening to someone demands a level of awareness and a kind of attending that every addict needs to acquire.

Why listening is like love

I have heard from any number of women who are understandably shocked and confused to find out that the man they are seeing or married to has been having sexual experiences with other men.  Sometimes it is in the form of actual sexual encounters in various situations and sometimes it is only in the context of cybersex experiences.  These are situations in which the relationship had previously seemed like a normal heterosexual one.  Often it is confusing to the man as well who feels he cares for and is genuinely attracted to his female partner.

Straight men who are interested in gay sex are not at all uncommon. 

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Can you ever forgive the betrayal by a sex addict partner?  The addict has led a double life and lied to your face.  The relationship you have with a spouse or partner is supposed to be the primary relationship in your life, your primary loyalty.   The addict has done violence to the bond you held sacred.

We do not succeed in recovery from addiction by creating a stress free life.  We succeed by being resilient in the face of life’s stresses and strains.  Resilience requires maintaining lifestyle balance, and restoring it when it is lost

People have many different kinds of needs beyond basic survival.

If you have ever tried to relate to a serious narcissist you will realize that there is something different about it.  Because narcissists are deeply insecure they need to constantly establish their power and worth.  They are not like hypnotists they literally are hypnotists.  It’s how they relate.  The normal feelings you get with someone you like, feeling like you have “good chemistry” or feeling like you “hit it off” bear no resemblance to falling under the spell of a true narcissist.

Some people can look at internet pornography now and then and not become porn addicts.  Others get hooked on porn very quickly and spend hours online, often jeopardizing their work, neglecting their families and wrecking their relationships.

Why are some people more at risk for internet porn addiction?