Emotional Mastery

3 Agents that Can Derail Goals and Dreams (And Negatively Shape Your Life)

This is a great time of year to energize your dreams and goals, with momentum and high expectations for your success to unfold. In moments of stress, however, or when a set back occurs, you want to remain aware of certain negative agents that can automatically take over and influence your outcomes. By remaining consciously aware of agents that mostly operate subconsciously, hidden from view, the power is in your hands to rewire many of these pre-programmed emotion-command neural pathways.

The idea is to capitalize on positive-change mental imagery your mind...
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Addictive Relating

5 Prerequisites to Unlock Your Communications — Re-Image Your Partner As Capable of Loving You, 5 of 5

Certain shifts in perception are essential to unlock your imagination to work for you in creating a healthy, vibrant love relationship. To summarize the first four:

The first shift (see Part 2) sees a commitment to individual healing, each participating fully in your own and one another's healing processes, as an essential aspect of relationship building.

Your relationship will make you happy, to the extent you are each open to grow, to learn, to stretch your capacity to love, to understand, and that often means to protect and know how to do...
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Addictive Relating

A Gift Guaranteed to Improve Your Love Life — and Brain? Make Your Relationship a Criticism-Free Zone

Here's a gift to add to your list of what to get him/her on that special day, which is guaranteed to boost your brain's capacity to work for you, and at the same time improve your love relationship. There's one condition, however: Both of you must give this gift wholeheartedly to one another to experience its life energizing effects.

What is this gift? It's the gift of making your relationship a criticism-free zone. There's perhaps nothing as corrosive to your physical health as well as your love relationship than criticism, at least certain types.

To clarify, expressing what you like or don't like are not criticisms per se. It is healthy to make descriptive observations of a problem, explore what actions or habits work or do not work, make suggestions or requests for something you'd like to see happen or stop occurring, and the like, for example. All of these, potentially, are relationship building actions.

In contrast, criticisms are detrimental to your health and relationship specifically because they are attempts to resolve issues through the use of words that attack or judge or label a partner's character in derogatory ways. What we're talking about here are words or phrases, such as shame-, guilt- or fear-inducing statements, which are purposefully designed to get the other to change or stop a certain behavior -- in other words, to give you the love you need, etc. They are also widespread because they consist of parenting practices most of us experienced as children.

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Addictive Relating

The Latest on Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships? Three Types of Responses to Bids for Connection, 2 of 2

Advances in neuroscience inform us that our brains are social in nature, and that, as a species, we’re continually affecting one another’s mental and emotional states of mind and body. This is just one of the findings reported by cofounders of brain-based therapy, Drs. John Arden and Lloyd Linfor in the January/February 2010 publication of Psychotherapy Networker. “ In their words,
We write ‘brain’ as a singular, but in a real sense there’s no such thing as one, single brain—only brains and nervous systems in some sort of relationship to one another.
As discussed in Part 1, decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman indicate that the longevity and happiness of a love relationship can be predicted with 97% accuracy, for couples in which both partners practiced habits of generosity and kindness toward the other. For the long haul, it takes two to tango.
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Addictive Relating

The Latest on Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships? Both Partners Cultivate Two Key Traits, 1 of 2

It seems unfair. Of the many couples that get married each year, hoping to find lifelong companionship, lasting joy, friendship and fulfillment, only about 50% will stay married, and of those that do, the vast majority, about 70%, devolve into arrangements that are unsatisfying at best, and dysfunctional or even destructive at worst.

Cheer up, however. These trends are not necessarily bad news, at least not if you think of them as information regarding what works -- and doesn't -- to create healthy, vibrant couple relationships! They speak to key elements that relationships need -- must have -- to stay alive and thrive; and they also point to unrealistic yet prevailing expectations that need to be identified, let go of and replaced. Why? Expectations are life shaping agents. If they form thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that limit the capacity of men and women to nourish and strengthen their love relationship, they are set ups for failure.
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Couples Communication

Couple Communications: 5 Prerequisites to Unlock Your Imagination, 4 of 5

A healthy, vibrant couple relationship takes two persons working as a team, and as individuals, to change what is only in the power of each to change, more specifically, to unlock their imagination by shifting away from limiting, subconscious perceptions (i.o.w., beliefs, thinking patterns) that act as key hindrances to realizing natural aspirations for a deeper sense of trust, and an increasingly more meaningful love-connection.

Continuing from Part 3, the fourth prerequisite shift turns your focus to the value of creating a healthy couple relationship itself.

4. See the value of nurturing a healthy couple relationship to your personal health and happiness.

This prerequisite shift invites partners to focus their attention on nurturing a healthy relationship. In practice this means both agree to be available and responsive to one another's emotional needs, and that means to treat one another with dignity and respect, protecting and fostering the sense of safety, value and well-being each feels in relation to one another.
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Addictive Relating

The Paradox of Genuine Love: Why Loving Your Self Equals Loving Your Partner (And Vice Versa)

seyed mostafa zamani via Compfight

The permission to fully love and embrace your self and life with wonder, a compassionate love and acceptance is no small matter. Paradoxically, you need your own love and acceptance to fully and genuinely love your partner (and vice versa..).

Why?

Several reasons. For one, it is impossible to be in a love relationship and not hurt each other. It is par for the course. You are two different persons. You each bring unique strengths, gifts, intelligences and energy to the relationship. Each also brings past wounds, hurts and painful experiences in addition to a "new" build up of unresolved hurts between you. Each yearns to feel valued for their strengths, and yet at some point each tends to get stuck focusing on partner's faults, weaknesses, lack of understanding, appreciation, etc.

Second, nature seems to love to bring together two persons in a couple relationship that have seemingly opposing approaches in several areas, especially when it comes to how they react to pain or stress. Pain is not the problem however. Pain is part of growth, learning, and stretching out of old comfort zones to realize new possibilities. The cliche "no pain, no gain" is more than a guideline; it is law of physics. The real problem has to do with how each partner reacts (defensively) when dealing with pain, i.e., extremes of either wallowing or detaching from pain.
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Addictive Relating

The Shadow Side of Falling In Love: The Power That Drives Addictions to Love, Sex and Romance

Whereas genuine love fosters a mutually empathic connection between two persons, one that nourishes the mental, physical and emotional growth and capacity for compassion and self-actualization of each, the neurochemistry of love relationships can morph into a dangerous mix of drugs more difficult to part with than alcohol, cocaine or heroine.

Notably, we use many of the same words to describe the personality shift observed in those (our self included) we experience to be "in love" and those with...
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Addictive Relating

Couple Communications: 5 Prerequisites to Unlock Imagination (And Get Out of Stuck Places), 3 of 5

When it comes to healing your couple communications and relationship, there are at least five prerequisite shifts in perception that are critical to help you unlock your imagination, and galvanize the energy you need to take action -- to break out of stuck places and let go of old comfort zones (thus making it more likely your partner will do the same).

Continuing from Part 2, the third prerequisite shift in perception allows you to take 100% responsibility for how you respond to life events, and thus who you become (and what you create) as a result of your responses.
3. See your self as fully equipped and capable captain of your life (thus own body's relaxation response).
This is a choice you make to see your self as capable of creating a fulfilling life -- i.e., making good decisions, learning from them, thoughtfully connecting to your wants and needs, handling emotions along the way (triggering ones in particular), etc.

You know that repeated actions form habits, or emotion-command neural pathways, that are automatically activated by the subconscious mind as "default" options. Old habitual responses must be unlearned, retrained or replaced by new optimal ones.
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Conscious Lifestyle

A Meditation to Awaken Whole-Hearted (Conscious) Love

Meditation and mindfulness are practices proven to strengthen our connection to emotions of the heart, in particular our ability to more easily and efficiently navigate the stormy seas of painful emotions, allowing us to thoughtfully respond rather than defensively run away or go into attack mode.

Based on recent findings in neuroscience, poets have been right all along: Love is the only antidote to fear, conscious love that is.

Brain research in the last decade inform us that empathy and aggression share the same brain circuitry, and that there is an inverse relationship between the two, in other words, when one goes up in intensity, the other goes down.

It takes love, a consciously empathic love for self and life at minimum, to stay present in the moment when a triggering fear shows up. Practicing empathy works to lower aggressive impulses (and, the opposite is true: a habit of aggressive reactions inhibits the capacity to respond with empathy).

The good news is that there is an array of positively charged emotions, rooted in love, ever willing and ready to refresh and strengthen us. Meditating on love-emotions of the heart empowers a uniquely insightful experience that can open up new possibilities to experience our self and life around us more fully, with our whole-heart rather than the limiting view depicted by fear (which one do you wish to be in control your imagination?). This comes in quite handy, considering that negatively charged emotions can also be great teachers, for example, telling us much about who we are and are not as human beings, what we're capable of realizing, what we most yearn to contribute as unique individuals, and more.

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