Some affect us in positive ways, giving us stamina to overcome challenges, or encouraging us to sustain our enthusiasm, maintain our momentum, express our talents and interests, and so on, while others in negative ways block or limit our growth and happiness.

Often the impact of negative (and positive) childhood experiences remains dormant until problems in an intimate relationship surface, seemingly, making it imperative that we take a fresh look at some deeply painful aspect of ourselves or lives, perhaps ones we’ve disowned or kept well hidden deep inside.

Without question, our most intimate relationships are the ones that more often cause the most pain. It is perhaps because they also offer the most fertile ground and opportunities for creating happy, meaningful lives that makes healing these wounds an essential part of living happy, fulfilled lives. Healing always involves, at minimum, becoming more consciously aware our self as a choice maker, and thus, engaging in tasks such as exploring unexamined beliefs or unresolved wounds from childhood.

We may uncover issues coming up of trust or control, fear of abandonment or engulfment, or perhaps we find ourselves instinctively reenacting the actions of a parent that we found hurtful and swore to never repeat, based on our current values. We may experience painful emotions and feelings that overwhelm or rob us of the energy and hope we need to make better choices. Regardless the challenge, we each have the power within us, as adults, to change, transform and heal ourselves at the deepest level.

What facilitates our healing?

1. It helps to start from a place of knowing, that: if we survived the formative years of childhood—which we would not have, had we not received some level of love and care, physical and emotional,   from our primary caregivers—we are now, as adults, whole beings unto ourselves (despite the reality that we are social beings at heart).

Whereas this would have been an insurmountable task in childhood, with the wisdom and cognitive abilities of our adult self, we can learn to be the nurturing parent or guardian who lovingly—and wisely—guides us with just the right balance of encouragement and discipline we needed as a child. We may always prefer to receive the love we want from others in just the exact way we wished as a child — it’s our nature to do so. It’s also our nature, however, to realize that as adults we really, really have everything we really, really need inside us, for example, we have all the love, joy, wisdom, fun, purpose, personal power, compassion, and so on, ready to be energized inside of us,  to potentially create a life for ourselves and loved our ones that is enriching, harmonious and meaningful.

This means we must examine certain wishes or expectations that “demand” things “have to” occur in certain precise ways. Others may make us happy, yet, if we want to mutually empower one another’s happiness, we must let go of holding them responsible, or even worse, blaming other people or events for our unhappiness. This literally gives away our action-generating power and the responsibly we own for creating joy and happiness, which is an inside job. Protecting our happiness is our own beautiful responsibility.

Similarly, we are never primarily responsible for others’ happiness, though we may love and prefer them to be happy. Our responsibility to each other is to promote, and avoid standing in the way of, one another’s efforts to enrich life.

2. It facilitates healing to see life as a journey or learning process in which one of the most important lessons is: to learn how to love and accept self and others unconditionally, especially in key moment by moment situations when we are triggered and not at our best, rather prone to go into scary places, do desperate things, etc.

This ability for compassion, an understanding love, allows us to forgive ourselves and others as people, even as we recognize what actions, our own and others, are harmful and destructive to our happiness and health.

In his best-selling book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl states that, “Everything can be taken from a man but …the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

3. It also helps to understand that: we are not our emotion, and we are not the thoughts that cause our emotions. We are much more, we are the observers, choice makers and creators of our lives, thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

Our feelings are not right or wrong, negative and positive per se; they are merely communications from our body to us telling us, at any moment, where we are in relation to where we aspire to be. Essentially, emotions and feelings (especially upsetting ones) are vital signals, critical information that inform our choices, help us to better understand ourselves and others. They often call us to note that something we are thinking or believing may not be serving us, for example, they may be telling us to stop focusing on changing others or “waiting” for them to love or accept us, etc. (as this is not within our “control”), and instead  to take optimal action to restore and balance our own emotional state.

In short, what facilitates our healing is shifting our overall approach to self and life around us. Life offers ample opportunities to clear the weeds of childhood wounds in the gardens of our lives. As we do, we may recreate different scenarios in our mind’s eye, exploring different possibilities or outcomes. In doing so, we imagine different reasons an event may have occurred as it did, and perhaps even accept that, as painful as it was, in other ways, it served the highest benefit of all concerned.

In other words, the reason to bring up painful events in our lives is to create integrative experiences that allow us re-examine them from different angles, and find fresh and empowering ways of understanding our self and others as, well, human beings..

We have more power to create the healthy and happy life and relationships we want than we think. The key is to live life consciously — aware of our beliefs, feelings, thoughts, needs—and the power of our moment to moment choices. When we become aware of beliefs and limiting ideas that do not serve us, we can choose to let go or transform them in present moments.

There are of course obstacles to face and overcome. The most common impediment is our tendency as human beings to avoid what is painful or difficult in the moment, and give in to doing what is easier and more pleasing. When we pass up chances to face old fears and pain with courage, when we choose pleasing or luring distractions to “help” us avoid the inevitable, we unfortunately miss out on avoiding needless suffering  and getting stronger as old wounds drain our energy and power to live more fulfilled, authentic lives.

Of course, we may find that we need support to heal past wounds, and, in this case, turning to a professional who can offer tools for healing may be the best choice to your own path for healing and breakthrough limiting barriers. As long as we remember that the child we were lives on within us, we are always free to go back and right old wrongs, correct mistaken perceptions, heal wounds, in time, forgive, and begin anew.

These understandings help us stop looking for love and power outside of ourselves, from some person, event, food, drink, and so on. They invite us to embrace the responsibility we each have in our moment by moment choices—to consciously nurture our own physical and emotional well being daily, and, from this place of tender love for ourselves and life, then reach out caringly to nurture the relationships with those we most love.

As human beings, it is our nature to attribute meanings to our world through the use of language and symbols. These meanings in turn shape our lives, especially when they are hidden from view.

Our view of “power” forms a core belief system.

Several top psychological theorists of the 20^th century, such as Alfred Adler, Rollo May, William Glaser, Abraham Maslow, Virginia Satir, Victor Frankl, Carl Rogers, William Glaser, among others, describe power as a healthy inborn striving. When it comes to power, however, our cultural values highlight a narrow view that overall associates power with money, status, authority, performance, and so on.

Here are some ideas to consider in exploring your beliefs about power.

• Power is firstly an ever present choice.

In its purest form, power is simply the exercise of choice. At any moment we always have a choice of how we respond, what we think, say, do, and so on.

In the main, power in relationships is regarded as an ability of one person to impose their will on another. Merriam Webster’s dictionary, for example, describes power as “the possession of control, authority, or influence over others” more typically, sovereign states or groups, or those in positions of authority.

This view regards power as:

• A right or entitlement, something earned, based on proof of might or status.
• A privilege approved for persons with authority, strength (physical, monetary, etc.) or ‘superior’ status to hold or exercise, but not for those deemed with ‘inferior’ status.
• A commodity or “will to power” that human beings naturally compete and fight over to possess.
• A dangerous force in the hands of those deemed “inferior,” weak, nonconforming, etc., viewed as competing for “authority” or “power over” another.

This view of power is not only divisive, but also an illusion. It leads us to think in ways that compare and divide one another into arbitrary categories of superior versus inferior, good versus evil, deserving versus undeserving.

Power is a choice in what type of emotional energy we activate in and around us. When we respond to a trigger with relative calm, for example, the parasympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous system remains in charge, the operations of the body are geared toward balance, and thus the brain remains in “learning” mode. In contrast, when we react defensively, we activate our body’s survival response, and the sympathetic branch takes over operation, activates our survival response, and shifts the body and brain to “protective” mode. Each of these “modes” produce dramatically different behavioral outcomes.

• Power is a quest to matter.

One of most influential psychological theorists in the fields of psychotherapy, social work, family counseling, as well as psychoeducational training for parents, teachers, school guidance counselors, Alfred Adler (1870 – 1937), was perhaps first among modern psychologists (he was a huge influence on theoretical giants such as Maslow, Frankl, Carl Rogers) to view human beings optimistically as purpose-driven with a “social interest” to meaningfully contribute to society. He was ahead of his times, and so was his theoretical framework, Individual Psychology.

He regarded the “lust for aggressive power” over others as “neurotic power,” and emphasized the importance of equality and democratic family and school structures equality in family relationships to prevent neurosis. To Adler, dominating children with harsh parenting practices was the root of pathology, and his methods were about the prevention of various forms of pathology.

From his perspective, power was an inner drive to influence one’s life as part of the human quest to self-actualize, a natural human striving, a dynamic exercised to mutually empower one another’s highest growth and potential.

He regarded this inborn seeking for personal agency to self-actualize as part of human nature, and described behavior patterns associated with aggressive power as pathological in nature, a result of harsh environmental factors in the upbringing of children, such as neglect or harsh treatment.

•  Power is a perception.

Power is a belief that shapes our choices and how we relate to our self and others as we seek to fulfill our inborn drive to matter in life.

Existentialist psychologist Rollo May described five levels of power, three of which are healthy. The first power is “to be,” the exercise of creating possibilities. The second is self-affirmation, the power to affirm one’s own being, and the third self-assertion, the power to be recognized by others. The last two dimensions were aggression and violence, and May believed these occurred when the power for self-assertion and a sense of personal significance is not achieved or feels blocked over a period of time.

May also defined power as an interpersonal process, and identified five types of power. Integrative power was the ability to be aware and exercise win-win interactions with others, and nutrient power was the act of taking care of another human being. A third type of power was competitive power, a quest to win either through fair or unfair means. He labeled the last two types of power as manipulative, the act of seeking to get someone to do something against their will or without their knowledge, and exploitive power, the act of using others destructively for own gain.

• In sum: It’s impossible to not have power. 

Ultimately, how we define power is no small matter. Whether conscious or subconscious, it decides how we interpret life around us, more specifically, the actions and responses of others.

Psychiatrist and founder of “Choice Therapy,” William Glasser also viewed power as an inborn universal need, positing that human beings were born with five universal needs of belonging, power, enjoyment, freedom and survival. An ardent critic of the mental health field, he published his critical review of the industry in his book, Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. 

He defined power as the ability to make choices one the basis of honest self evaluations of wants, choices and options, and viewed relational difficulties and the symptoms described in the DSM-IV as caused by misguided or misinformed attempts to satisfy their innate need for healthy “personal power” by instead using force, or “external controls,” to get others to do something against their will. Glasser broke from the field of psychiatry to develop his ideas for Choice Theory when, in the 1980s, he concluded that human beings above all were social beings, and that emotional distress was related to their inability to form satisfying relationships with those they most care about most. For example, he noted the toxic effects of  prevailing learned behavior patterns, such as ones based on “I’m right and you’re wrong” mental schemas, which blocked the formation of healthy relationships.

In sum, the form of power we value structures the choices we make and the actions we take to fulfill what may be the strongest motivating force within us, that is, our inner drive to matter.

In Part 2, the attributes of “real” power.

To make this a regular experience, it takes a conscious plan, one that sets your intention on doing what you observe “works” to improve your life and relationships, and stop doing what doesn’t.

What will it take to have such command of your choices? A mindful mastery of the emotional-physiological states of your body, a conscious intention to focus your attention on being present in challenging moments of your life and relationships. This is a training of sorts that you consciously choose to participate in to cultivate your ability to handle, understand and regulate upsetting emotions of anger (and fear). You always have a choice, and cultivating a mindful mastery of your emotions is a conscious choice at any given moment to take action from optimal emo-physiological states of mind and body.

In Part 1, defensive ways of expressing anger, whether passive and aggressive, were described as toxic to relationships (in most situations). Like too much lemon juice, anger can have a souring effect that inhibits meaningful connection and intimacy. In Part 2, the emotion of anger was identified as essential, a potentially healthy, balancing agent that, when effectively expressed, can move us to take action to not only survive, but also to thrive, to live authentic lives; it prompts us courageously express who we are or what we think and feel, our unique talents and abilities, and so on.

Without the emotion of anger to propel us to take the reins of our lives as the choice-making agent we’re designed to be, conceivably, we might get so overwhelmed by the emotions of vulnerability associated with our hardwired emotion-drives, i.e., for meaningful connection and intimacy — that we’d fail to make any distinctions between ourselves and others as separate beings. It’s not a question of eliminating anger, it’s a question of how to direct this energy to create optimal outcomes, rather than tear down, punish, retaliate and the like.

A conscious plan to express anger effectively?

A conscious plan focuses your attention foremost on your highest intention, what you most aspire to realize. It takes into consideration both your personal wants, dreams, aspirations — as well as your hardwired emotion-drives to matter, that is, to uniquely contribute and connect meaningfully to life in and around you. There are at least 5 set intentions to include in a conscious plan:

1.  Remain in command of your choices to handle anger effectively. (Replace defensive strategies with conscious communication.)

This involves a conscious choice to handle emotional responses of anger, your own and others, effectively, and thus stop letting your body’s survival system unnecessarily take control. This not only uses an enormous amount of energy on protection you mostly do not need, but also blocks the formation of emotional intimacy between you and the persons you most love in the process. Stop blaming one another, and “blame” the protective behavior strategies instead. It’s easier to make a passionate commitment to a conscious plan to change when you realize that the problem is not you or the other, but rather the defensive ways you (and the other) are attempting to establish a sense of personal safety or emotional connection. As actions, defenses tend to send a subconscious message, from your body to the other’s, that you have lost your own sense of safe connection inside, and thus cannot be present to see, understand or connect with them. This explains why defensive actions often activate the defenses of others, who also lose their sense of safe connection. (Remember: the sole purpose of protective action is to restore a sense of safety in order to lower anxiety by producing distance between us and a perceived threat.)

2. Know and remain aware of your triggers. (Accept anger as a valid, innate emotion.)

To express anger assertively and effectively, develop your awareness of your triggers, what is going on inside, and accept anger as a potentially healthy, action-activating agent., to identify our thoughts and feelings, and to learn how to process emotions of vulnerability, and get comfortable with what can be an uncomfortable process (at least initially).  For example, you may be holding thoughts and beliefs, and thus acting in ways that are blocking you from fulfilling inner strivings for happiness because they’re not allowing you to meaningfully connect with the other. express yourself effectively. Defensive ways of expressing yourself are designed to do the opposite.It is by recognizing and owning our feelings that we can express them honestly and authentically, and that means without dismissing or disregarding the dignity of both self and the other. Remember: Anger is not the problem; it’s how we perceive, respond and express it.)

3.  Acknowledge when you feel anger. (Tune into underlying emotions and your body’s signals for survival, psychological as well as physical.)

It is not about eliminating anger (and fear). It is about growing your skills and capacity to feel and effectively process anger, which means also handling the emotions of vulnerability that underlie anger, whenever they show up. Shift to viewing anger as a “secondary” emotion that seeks to shield you from emotions of vulnerability. Ask yourself, “What emotions underlie anger” (See List of Feelings.) If you can embrace them as friends with messages (authentic wise-self) rather than perceive them as enemies to attack, eliminate or hide from (wounded ego-self). As a secondary emotion, at subconscious levels, emotions of anger tell us that we’ve lost our sense of safety and seek to block emotions of vulnerability.

4.  Ask, “What emotion-drives underlie these emotions?” (Note anger helps you take action to fulfill inner drive to do more than survive, to also thrive associated with core intimacy fears – See List of Emotion-Drives)

Regardless how cruel a word or gesture, it is a cry for help, a cry for a holding place that is unconditionally secure and stable to help us reset and refresh our main connection to the resources that sustain — inside. Perhaps no one needs our love and compassion than one who feels unlovable, in short, one who has lost their connection to their own source of compassion inside. As Brian Tracy notes, “relationships are the hallmark of the mature person.” And healthy relationships require us to cultivate our capacity to love and live authentically, with our whole hearts. Persons with weak ego-strength operate from their wounded ego-self tend to stick to what “feels” comfortable and lack the resiliency to deal effectively with emotions of vulnerability and core fears, i.e., inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, which are associated with fear of emotional intimacy. In contrast, persons with well-developed ego-strength understand life and operate from their authentic wise-self, and are willing to put in the hours, sustained effort.

5.  Follow through with action. Ask, “What action is this emotion calling for?” or “What response would better express my feelings (and better meet my emotion-drives/needs)?” (Remember to reathe, remain relatively Calm, Confident, Centered, 3 C’s)

How anger is expressed is learned – and can be unlearned. Action seals the deal. The way we express anger is learned, and thus can be unlearned. These emotional-command brain circuits can be unlearned and replaced with behaviors that form new emotional-command neural pathways.

Expressing anger effectively is all about relationships, how we relate to self and other by the actions we take to keep our relationships alive by: treating one another with dignity, even and especially when we’re lost in our worst, seemingly most unlovable states.

To the extent defensive anger is used to influence others, our relationships erode, the hearts of loved ones remain closed, resistant or defensive, making our influence even less likely.  The use of defensive anger merely reinforces emotional-command neural pathways, which can intensify anger into harmful, isolating and futile levels of rage, hatred or bitterness.

You can develop your skills to be and express your self in ways that neither stomp on the agency and worth of the other, on the one hand, nor get so overwhelmed by others’  demands that we say yes when we want to say no, on the other hand, the emotion of anger will activate our body’s survival response and ensure we activate defensive strategies that keep us at a “safe” distance from one another. Work with a therapist, if necessary.

Anger and healthy personal power?

There’s no avoiding the emotion of anger. Anger helps us stand up for what we believe in and express who we are — at minimum, creative beings in process of learning how to optimize our quest to matter, to meaningful contribute and connect, and to be treated with dignity along the way. 

Anger is not the problem. Expressing anger defensively, either directly by yelling or blaming or indirectly by withdrawing or telling lies, is the problem. Anger is a creative action-activing energy that is essential to our personal growth and development, as well as the realization of our full potential to love and be loved unconditionally.

Learning to express anger effectively is an essential exercise of our personal power, a built-in ability to make choices that either optimize our connections with life in and around us — or not. We always have a choice to act or respond in ways that grow strong, vibrant, mutually enriching relationships (with self as well as others)  - or hide behind our body’s automatic defense system (fight or flee response).

In the long run, angry outbursts leave us feeling powerless inside because, apart from giving us quick-fix feel-good (illusion of power), i.e., seeing others scurry about trying to appease us, they literally cause others to increasingly resist us (often with passive aggressive responses).

Our relationships are governed by laws of physics such as: for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. The more aggressively we seek to change another (i.e., so we may feel more effective, loved, important, valued, etc.), the more they find ways to withdraw and perhaps even move in the opposite direction of our wishes.

Learning how to express anger effectively is a process, a mindful practice you can chose to make your own. Each time you lose control of anger, for example, why not remind yourself that, when you express anger defensively, such as with blame, denial, or lies, you are actually giving your personal power away?

Anger is all about the exercise of your personal power, the question is will it be effective or ineffective? A conscious plan allows us to transform our fears and anger into action-generating assets.

Largely, it’s a combination of what we consciously or subconsciously believe and what we most want or (emotionally) need in the situation. What we believe is possible or what we believe we or others “should” (or shouldn’t) do, for example, activate emotions and neural command networks in our brain that shape our behaviors.

The questions below are designed to expand awareness of your emotional experience of anger, what you’ve learned and believe, and perhaps the beliefs that underlie how you express or respond to anger, others’ as well as your own.

Instructions: Write down your responses to the following questions:

1. Anger is…

2. When you were growing up, what did your mother do with her anger? Your anger?

3. When you were growing up, what did your father do with his anger? Your anger?

4. As a child, what did you decide about expressing your angry feelings?

5. Who taught you “how” to express or not express anger?

6. In what situations did you learn to express anger or silence anger?

7. In the present, what do you do when you are angry at your partner? Child? Parent?

8. How long does it take you to let go of angry feelings or stewing inside (days, hours, minutes etc.)?

9. Are you satisfied with how you resolve your anger with your partner? Child? Parent?

10. What do you want to change so you will feel good about how you resolve anger?

Rarely the primary focus, codependency issues are often identified in connection to the treatment of a family member with an addiction. A person in a significant relationship with someone addicted to a substance or activity is at risk of developing a set of behaviors (also an addictive pattern) from which they too need healing to restore life balance, integrity and peace of mind.

Codependent persons have a developed ability to “read” the moods of others, and take pleasure in “knowing” what others want, how to pacify or appease. Pleasing others, however, is rooted in fear, and a wishful fantasy or expectation that, somehow or someday, the ones they seek to please will recognize, appreciate, and value them for the efforts they make.

This set of behaviors, sometimes referred to as “enabling,” is known as “codependency” or “co-addiction.”

A co-addicted person engages in a set of behaviors that, similar to addiction, provides a pleasure-inducing “fix,” one that stimulates the reward centers of the brain. These behaviors become ingrained, the more they repeatedly stimulate certain reward centers of the brain. The feelings of pleasure, such as a pseudo sense of personal power and safety in lowering anxiety, keeps the pattern alive and active. They become particularly potent because, along with feelings of pleasure, the reward centers are also stimulated by fear-based emotions, such as guilt or shame.

In a groundbreaking book, Codepedent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie first brought attention to this phenomenon, and defined codependency as, “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

Notably, this type of “controlling” has little to do with the mainstream definition of “power” as seeking to possess authority or the “right to rule” another, which is more typical of narcissism — codependency’s counterpart. Wittingly or unwittingly, codependency patterns enable narcissistic behaviors, and vice versa; they seem to attach to one another in unhealthy ways that bring both down.

In other words, the release of “feel-good” chemicals in the brain and body that modulate codependent behaviors, unlike narcissism, are not connected to proving self-worth on the basis of proving dominance or ability to subvert another’s will (more typical of narcissism). The codependent is rather bent on proving worth by feeling “needed” or valued to fix upsets, conflict with a mix of pleasing and placating behaviors.

The dance between codependency and narcissism is as intoxicating and alluring, as it is toxic and prohibitive of intimacy and emotional fulfillment.

Author and expert researcher in the field of addiction, Dr. Patrick Carnes in his book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, labeled co-dependent patterns as co-addiction, noting the compulsive nature of a co-addicted person’s behaviors. Much like the addicted spouse, a person with a co-addiction cannot seem to stop their behaviors despite negative consequences to include not only enabling the addiction, but also personal costs to own mental, emotional well being.

Are you codependent or in a co-dependent relationship with another? What are the signs? Based on this therapist’s experience in working with addictive and co-dependency patterns, there are at least 20 indicators. You or your partner may be trapped in codependent patterns if you regularly:

1. Feel responsible to ensure no conflict, upsets, angry outbursts occur in your key relationships.
2. Seek to “keep the peace” with little or no thought to your own personal needs, wants, well-being, growth, etc.
3. Are overly attuned to what others need or “must have” to feel okay or not get upset, yet have little or no awareness of own needs, feelings, wants, boundaries, etc.
4. Worry about being viewed as “selfish,” “controlling” or “mean” by asking for what you want, doing your own thinking or acting on your own behalf.
5. Check the moods of key others around the clock, in particular, looking to see if you’re needed to put out “fires” (i.e., anger, upsets, discomfort, etc.).
6. Set boundaries or new rules for how you others treat you yet talk yourself out of sticking to the guidelines you set (i.e., thinking “what’s the use”).
7. Are “used to” living with another’s drama, outbursts, addictive patterns, etc., believing “they’re not capable” of making better choices, handling their emotions, making changes, etc.
8. Tolerate behaviors toward you that stunt both your and another person’s growth and development, thus, producing a toxic relationship.
9. Are preoccupied, worried or obsessed about another person’s opinions of you, and go out of your way to avoid disapproval, upsetting or angering them, and so on.
10. Refuse to make requests of another because asking them to change or be thoughtful in how they treat you may inconvenience or cause them discomfort or “stress.”
11. Easily trust and believe what another says, ignoring warming signs, gut feelings or past experiences that tell you blind trust is unwarranted.
12. Makes excuses for another that “enable” them to continue to make poor choices, engage in addictive patterns, act in toxic or life-harming ways, etc.
13. Keep another dependent on you by rescuing them, bolstering their ego or providing assurance when they get upset.
14. Treat another as incapable of tolerating frustration or handling situations without you.
15. Nag and complain, scold and lecture another, rather than make requests for what you want or need from them, thus, treating them as capable adults.
16. Do for others (children, spouse, etc.) what you wouldn’t consider doing for yourself and expecting this “sacrifice” will cause them to value and appreciate you some day.
17. Neglect other responsibilities or persons in your life, i.e., your children, job, etc., because you’re pre-occupied with another’s addiction, reactivity, problems, etc.
18. Need to think of addicted person as “incapable” in order to feel “needed” and valued, caring and connected to them.
19. Believe that you will find love and fulfillment by putting others first and yourself last, etc., somehow others will appreciate and recognize you for this “sacrifice.”
20. Wallow in guilt and regret about times when you’ve let others down, blaming yourself, intensifying efforts to prove you’re “good enough” in order to avoid being rejected or abandoned in the future.

Ultimately, codependency is an ineffective way of realizing human yearnings to matter, to love and be loved. Guilt is often the basis for action. Secretly, codependents wish to be seen as a “hero” and get their “high” from emotionally saving or rescuing others from having to deal with or take responsibility for their problems.

Though outwardly the co-addicted person seeks to appease and take care of another, in reality, the behavior pattern is a defensive means to restore their own sense of safety and security inside. The behavior pattern is rooted in fear of rejection or abandonment,and  associated with core beliefs and protective strategies learned in early childhood experiences, which link a codependent’s self-worth to their ability to prevent conflict and upsets by appeasing others.

A primary fear of the co-addicted person is being rejected on the basis of being selfish, mean or uncaring. Most of their focus is on finding ways to put out fires, prevent crises, not upset or disappoint others—and never the root cause. That is what makes the behaviors an unhealthy and futile waste of energy.

Because a codependent person is disconnected from their own wants and needs in the relationship, their inability to “receive” often destabilizes and keeps their key relationships (and them) out of balance. People in their lives are not challenged, and may stop growing or not develop to full potential.

It’s important not to mislabel all sacrifice or giving persons as “codependent.” A good measure of “healthy giving” is that it promotes the growth and well being of both self and the other, whereas codependency tends to foster “dependency” that can arrest another’s development. For example, giving a child junk food to avoid conflict, giving in to a partner who wants to “relax” at bars drinking with buddies, or buying gifts you cannot afford to feel loved or loving is not healthy giving. And, it’s codependency if a repeated pattern one finds impossible to break.

As with addiction patterns, co-dependency or co-addiction is an impaired way of thinking that enslaves the mind. Mental enslavement occurs whenever the mind holds rigid schemas (limiting beliefs) that cause us to feel we have no choice, no other alternative but to turn to some substance or person or activity for comfort, fulfillment.

Neither of these patterns are not easy to let go of because they’re associated with protective strategies and early-survival love maps. The good news is that, thanks to the brain’s amazing capacity for change (plasticity), people can and do break free of these addictive relating patterns, and awareness of them is a vital first step.

factors disconnect In interactions with others, for example, when our attempt to fulfill our drive to find value or matter in relation to another is blocked, we experience painful emotions. This pain is healthy, providing we know how to interpret and respond to it. It is our body’s way of letting us know to take some action, preferably one that is informed by our inner understanding and wisdom.

The two exercises in this step are designed to build awareness and strengthen your ability to consciously connect to your emotional needs as a means of calming and centering yourself in challenging situations.

Conscious harmony between your wants and needs?

A conscious plan focuses your attention foremost on what you most aspire to realize. It takes into consideration both your personal wantsand aspirations as a unique individual — and at the same time, yourhardwired emotion-drives to matter, making unique contributions while also securing safe mutually enriching, healthy relationships.

1. Are your wants mostly conscious or subconscious?

There’s a key difference between what you think you want and what you consciously want. What you think you want is mostly subconscious, which means there are unresolved conflicts that prevent you from realizing what you want, for example, you may “want” to be slim and trim but you also “want” to watch TV rather than exercise. Which will win out? The one that’s backed with the most passion. Your body’s operating system, the subconscious mind, knows what you really, really, really want by what gives you the most pleasure inside. This inner “feel good” fires and wires actions and momentum with the release of feel-good chemicals.

For the most part, the subconscious mind manages the energies of your body based on a simple formula: whatever you really, really, really want is what you get.

Conscious wants take this into consideration. Based on the understanding that you’re going to get whatever you really, really want, it’s wise to carefully ponder, reflect and choose accordingly. If you do not, you’re leaving too many life- and relationship-shaping decisions to your subconscious mind.

Some insist they “don’t know” what they want. This is resistance. It is a learned and passive aggressive way of protecting our self, thoughts, wants from the criticisms, evaluations, and other intrusions of others. It’s a velvet glove way of saying “you’re not the boss of me” to others. In other words, its defensive strategy, it’s a way of controlling your life from the influence of others, for example, to protect what you really want from other’s evaluations, expectations, criticism or demands. We always know what we or others want by the actions we take or don’t take. Never go by what one says they want or intended. The conscious mind is often in the dark, completely unaware of what the subconscious mind wants. Behaviors are the only reliable way of knowing what we (and others) really want. The actions we are willing to take or not take on a consistent basis best inform us of what we really, really want.

• Your wants are set and driven by your beliefs, i.e., beliefs about what you think you want or “should” want or not want, what you believe you “can” or “must do” to get what you want, etc.
• Twenty-four-seven, it is wired to monitor your self-talk, and activate behaviors, accordingly, based on what you have subconsciously taught it to “believe” you want.
• There’s a very good chance, especially if change seems difficult or impossible, that what you believe subconsciously and what you consciously think you want are not in synch.
• For example, you may “want” to have a healthy conversation with another; however, if your highest intention is to prove you are right (or they are wrong), this practically guarantees your brain will be in defensive mode, and thus your actions will also be defensive strategies that will impair rather than strengthen your relationship.
• In protection mode, your actions and strategies will fulfill your survival needs, but they are automatically blocking you from fulfilling  higher needs to thrive in relation to your self and those you most love. Right versus wrong are “who’s better” conversations that set up two persons as adversaries in their minds.
• The more you remain aware of what you want, and are open to becoming aware of and changing any limiting subconscious wants, the more likely you are more likely to remain in charge of your choices and actions.
• This speaks to how vital it is to engage the cooperation of your subconscious mind, which is the part (of you, your mind) that is in charge of learning new or changing any old habits.

2. Are your wants aligned with your hardwired drives (needs)?

WhatIf what you want is not aligned with the highest directives –hardwired drives or needs — of your brain and body — which is to balance your drive for connection, to form healthy mutuality enriching relationships, with your drive for autonomy, to matter as a unique being, you’re likely to waste time a lot of time on futile endeavors. It’s like ignoring that your body needs food, water and oxygen to survive and thrive.

Human beings are hardwired to learn and grow, heal and transform in the context of healthy, mutually-enriching compassion-based relationships with self and others, and life.

Ignoring these imperatives is the cause of suffering and addiction.

Drink of water photo available from Shutterstock

Most understand the links between our thoughts or self-talk and our emotions and feelings — not so with emotion-drives. How can they be as as real as our physical needs for food and water? In Part 1 emotion-drives were described as action-motivating factors that propel us to take action from within to matter and meaningfully connect to life within and around us.

The concept of “emotion-drives” as life shaping and connected to our health and survival is more challenging to understand. And, we rarely think of or explain our own or other’s behaviors in terms of these powerful universal strivings.

This is surprising when we consider that several top psychological theorists in the 20^th century, among others, Alfred Adler, Abraham Maslow, Rollo May and William Glasser, viewed human behavior as primarily motivated or purpose-driven to meet social needs, such as love, belonging, contribution, all of which are emotional in nature.

Why the disconnect?

Perhaps one reason we experience problems in connecting to our emotion-drives as “needs” is that we have been culturally conditioned to overall ignore or regard our “love and connection needs” as signs of weakness or pathology. As a result, we generally learn to look down on those who have too many “emotions” or “needs,” perhaps, labeling them as “needy” or “selfish” or “weak.” This dehumanizes our experience.

As a result, our relationships and lives are out of balance. On the one hand, some go around believing they don’t have needs, apart from meeting the needs of others, while others hold other persons responsible for their unhappiness, thus, blame them when they feel empty, unhappy, unfulfilled.

We’ve also been taught to distort the meaning for the word “need” itself, misusing it as an equivalent to the word “want.” Thus, we say things like “we need a new TV” or “more clothes.”

Our socialization, in some ways, has conditioned us to disconnect from our core needs, and to devalue our yearnings for love and connection, or recognition and value in our relationship, as signs of weakness or selfishness. We have also been taught to misuse the word “need” as an equivalent to the word “want” and thus we say things like “we ‘need’ a new TV” and so on.

In truth, the drive to to fulfill yearnings for emotional safety, connection and self-actualization is one that shapes human behavior. Marketing strategists understand and employ this knowledge (along with classical and operant conditioning principles) to get us to buy stuff and to believe that certain products will fulfill our yearnings for love, esteem, belonging, etc. In one generation, for example, Americans were rewired as a group to shift their beliefs, from valuing frugality to valuing “shop ‘til you drop” (among other) junk values.

Sadly, this conditioning also blocks us from understanding ourselves and others more deeply, which means compassionately, the essential soil upon which mutually enriching relationships grow and thrive.

It also does not allow us to fully understand the purpose of our defensive behaviors.

This understanding frees you to become a more conscious choice maker and navigator of the direction of your life.

Exercise: Connecting to Core Emotion-Drives

The purpose of the exercise below is to identify your emotion-drives, and perhaps also one or more limiting beliefs with regard to these core yearnings. It is also an essential step in understanding your self and others as human beings, growing authenticity, “seeing” yourself as an agent and choice maker of your life.

Instructions: Read each affirmation below and, on a scale of 1 to 10, where “1” indicates “not at all” and “10” represents “completely,” rate how comfortable or connected you feel to this emotion-drive at present.

_____ 1. Feeling understood, heard, seen for who you are.

_____ 2. Feeling loved with unconditional dignity and positive regard.

_____ 3. Feeling free to express your self authentically without fear of being judged, rejected or dismissed.

_____ 4. Feeing accepted for who you are as a unique being.

_____ 5. Feeling empathy or validation for your actions, thoughts, feelings, opinions, perspectives, etc., as your own.

_____ 6. Feeling recognized and valued for your unique contributions to life and others.

_____ 7. Feeling supported in your efforts to realize your dreams or purpose.

_____ 8. Feeling safe, secure in relation to life in and around you.

_____ 9. Feeling free to give and receive naturally (out of love and joy, rather than fear or guilt)

_____ 10. Feeling free to make own choices, do own thinking, learn from your mistakes, failures, etc.

Optional – suggestions:

• Pause for a moment after reading each statement to reflection on your connection, close your eyes, turn your focus inside, and take a few slow, deep breaths  from the belly, feeling relaxed, present and calm.
• Go back and circle 2 or 3 emotion-drives that you want to focus on to grow your connection and awareness.

Like gauges, emotions are status checks, personal messages our body-mind (subconscious) sends at any given moment to keep us (conscious-mind) informed on what most concerns us.

Essentially, emotions tell us where we are or how well we’re doing, so to speak, in relation to what and where we most aspire to be in life, with regard to the following:

• Personal wants and aspirations
• Physical sustenance needs
• Emotion-drives or yearnings (needs) to matter

Emotions may be triggered by what’s going on around us, however, our emotion-responses are primarily activated by a combination of internal factors, that:

• Motivate us to take action (more specifically, our personal wants and our hardwired physical and emotional-relational needs).
• Modulate or determine how or what actions we take (mostly, a set of conscious or subconscious beliefs we hold about what is possible for us, what we deserve, how we “should” or “must” realize and meet our wants and needs, and so on).

This post zeros in on emotion-drives as hardwired yearnings — internal factors — that, directly or indirectly, motivate most all of our actions.

What are “emotion-drives”?

Emotion-drives are universal “yearnings” that are emotional (spiritual?) in nature that are as real and connected to our health and survival as our physical sustenance needs. They are action-motivating because they internally motivate us, as human beings, to take action to fulfill them. (Whether our actions are effective or futile is another matter.)

They’re connected to our overarching drive (need) to do more than merely survive, but also to thrive, that is, to matter and meaningfully connect to life in and around us. Human beings automatically strive for emotional safety, love, belonging, personal autonomy, esteem, acceptance, value, fun, contribution, meaningful connection, purpose.

We are hard-wired to automatically seek to fulfill these yearnings from the cradle to the grave. Far from simple “wants,” such as “I need to get a haircut,” they are hard-wired emotional (spiritual?) strivings that are as real and impact our health and survival as our sustenance needs for food, water and shelter.

These emotion-drives are also relational in nature, as they can only be fulfilled in relation to self and life or others around us.

Psychologists Alfred Adler and Abraham Maslow were among the first to note that human behavior is purpose-driven to find meaning in social relationships.

Some of the main emotion-drives include:

Safety (Security)            Belonging (Acceptance)        

Love (Caring)                  Empathy (Understanding)

Value (Recognition)        Contribution (Giving)             

Clarity (Knowledge)       Connection (Intimate Knowing)

Recognition (Value)       Personal Power (Free Will, Choices)

One reason we experience problems understanding or connecting to our emotional needs is that we’ve been conditioned to disregard or devalue these “needs” as “neediness” or signs of weakness or selfishness.

More on this in the next post along with an exercise to identify and rate how connected we are to our emotion-drives.

When it comes your body or life, not much happens without emotion.  To your brain, emotions are essential chemical signals that connect all the systems of your body 24/7, in a complex and sophisticated communication network like no other.

To your mind, or conscious and subconscious self, your body’s ability to transmit signals of emotion and physical sensations help you survive and thrive the myriad of social, intellectual and emotional (spiritual?) challenges of life, which are natural to your own unique growth and development patterns.

How vital is this communication? Quite. As it is impossible not to communicate or to relate, it’s a quality of life matter.

Like it or not, you are a walking-talking communication system. To be alive is to communicate, to relate, and to connect with the world within and around you. Your brain is a relationship organ, which makes you a social being at heart.

In a sense, to fully live is to be completely free to feel the full range of your emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, as action signals or messages that inform your choices, and not judgments of who you are.

To realize that you are not your emotions, however, and rather the conscious observer and creator, you need emotion mastery.

Emotion mastery is the ability to consciously connect and feel, process and regulate your emotions effectively, particularly the painful or unpleasant ones. This task is not easy for most of us, as our painful emotions are all rooted in fear, and our greatest fears are relationship or intimacy fears, such as: fear of rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, and so on.

Mastery of emotions involves whole body listening and makes effective communication with your self and others possible. There are several reasons to develop emotion mastery, to include that emotions:

• Inform your choices.
• Add meaning to life and to relationships.
• Help you to better understand your self, own wants, drives, dreams, etc.
• Facilitates better understanding of others and life around you.
• Matures and grows your wisdom or wise-self.

The foundation for building emotion mastery is an awareness of your inner world of emotions. For example, do you feel and connect to your emotions? Can you identify and feel a wide range of emotions? Are some taboo, ones you believe you shouldn’t feel or insist you’ve never felt? How do you feel or relate to emotions rooted in anger or fear?

Regardless your level of awareness at present, emotions are designed to add multiple dimensions of meaning to your life. They are to your body what electricity is to a lamp or fuel is to a car. The absence of optimal emotion states can leave you stranded, whereas knowing how to plug in or refuel, can keep you energized and on your way to a destination.

In other words, emotions are not just fluff or optional.

They have a physiological effect on your brain and body, for one, because they modulate the body’s autonomic nervous system accordingly. Fear-based versus love-based emotions produce dramatically different results inside you. For example, does a certain event activate overall fear-based emotions inside you (in which case your body is governed by fight-or-flee or sympathetic division of your autonomic nervous system) — or overall love-based emotions (governed by the parasympathetic division).

Translated, this means that, if you aren’t in charge of your emotions and choices in challenging situations in particular, your subconscious mind or body-mind will automatically “choose” how you respond (think, feel, act) — and you may not like the “results.”

Safe to say, communication is the tool of life. And this double-edged sword gives you a choice to communicate in a way that either creates and strengthens your relationships, to include the one with your self, or weakens and tears them down.

Below are two lists of emotion-words that express your feelings and physical sensations. While it is not an exhaustive list, it can be used to deepen your awareness and connection to your emotions and feelings.

PLEASANT — LOVE-BASED EMOTIONS

SECURE: safe, calm, comfortable, relaxed, relieved, trusting

LOVING: caring, warm, compassionate, affectionate, tender, friendly

ENGAGED: energetic, involved, interested, absorbed, fascinated

HAPPY: joyful, glad, pleased, delighted, amused, jubilant

CONFIDENT: optimistic, strong, empowered, hopeful, encouraged

GRATEFUL: appreciative, thankful, touched, satisfied, fulfilled

ELATED: thrilled, exhilarated, enchanted, exuberant, ecstatic

REFRESHED: renewed, restored, revived, invigorated, rejuvenated

SURPRISED: amazed, astonished, dazzled

PEACEFUL: calm, centered, serene, tranquil, still, blissful, mellow

***

UNPLEASANT – FEAR-BASED EMOTIONS

ANGRY: annoyed, irritated, upset, furious, enraged, resentful

SAD: depressed, discouraged, unhappy, disheartened, despair

SCARED: fearful, frightened, insecure, terrified, overwhelmed

UNEASY: agitated, restless, uncomfortable, unsettled

FRUSTRATED: aggravated, annoyed, exasperated, impatient, irritated

HATE: contempt, disgust, repulsed, enraged, animosity

CONFUSED: puzzled, torn, perplexed, ambivalent, discombobulated

WARY: leery, mistrustful, suspicious, apprehensive, anxious, guarded

VULNERABLE: sensitive, fragile, helpless, reserved, guarded

ALONE: disconnected, cold, alienated, withdrawn distant, apathetic

FATIGUE: depleted, beat, exhausted, cranky, lethargic, tired, weary

GUILTY: liable, regret, remorse, awful, bad, culpable

EMBARRASSED: shocked, ashamed, flustered, self-conscious

PAIN: hurt, agony, despair, devastated, alone, lost, miserable, bitter

***

Conscious communication is a window into the world of our heart and mind – and another’s from their vantage point.

As a tool, it’a a way to manage the energies we bring to our communications, so that we remain consciously aware of what is going on inside of us, our feelings, thoughts, what we want and need, and so on, without getting triggered.

In Part 1 we described eight attributes of a conscious way of talking. In this post, the focus is on attributes of conscious-listening.

Conscious-listening is a way of being intentionally present to see, to know and to recognize our own and another’s felt presence and unique value in the relationship. Safe to say, it’s not possible to authentically love another, without being willing to freely give the essential gift of listening. In other words, if we’re not genuinely listening to another, sooner or later, they will stop listening to us. (They have no choice, it’s physics.)

Listening as critical to healthy relationships?

Listening is perhaps the most critical component of effective communication. That’s because we are hardwired with emotion-drives that propel us to feel known, heard, understood, valued, and so on, aspects of our overarching drive to do more than merely survive life, to also thrive, to matter and meaningfully connect in relation to life around us. In fact, our drive to thrive in life is also critical to our physical health and survival, as stress directly impacts our health, emotional, mental and physical, in negative ways.

As important as it is to resolve past or present problems, for example, when one or both parties lack empathic listening skills, problems quickly rise to the level of seeming “impossible” to solve. Why?

• The problems themselves become non-issues because the “real” issues are questions of the heart that cannot be solved with logic alone.
• Not realizing this, we over focus on improving our “logic” – hoping to find some way to get them to see our side (disprove their logic), and thus are so blind we fail to see, that: No one is present on the other end to listen.
• The more we approach our relationship issues like a courtroom,with lawyers, judge or jury, the further we push away from the other or push them away, or both.
• Even the logic skills of the sharpest lawyer in town cannot open a heart that is closed, has lost connection because it: does not feel safe enough to love.

In short, our drives to thrive are emotional and thus also relational in nature, and thus issues cannot be solved with logic (alone). In fact, our attempts to resolve them with “logic” are the cause of much resistance, suffering, confusion, despair, perhaps also loss of hope and feelings of powerlessness.

(It’s physics: For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction.)

Most emotional distress or overwhelm roots back to blockages or inability to find healthy options to satisfy our core emotion-drives.

One-sided listening (focusing mostly on the concerns of one, and not the other is a very common problem in relationships…) always breaks down eventually (unless of course it’s in the nature of a “working” relationship, such as parent-child, therapist-client, etc.). When our thoughts or views feel dismissed, unimportant, ignored by the other, eventually, our body subconsciously recognizes them as “threats” (eventually even “enemies”), thus, activates our defenses, perhaps for the smallest infractions.

This form of “listening” often stems from fear, shame or guilt shuts, which are emotional states shut down the processes of the frontal cortex. It is not real listening and rather a form of “obeying”; doing what another wants “without questioning” is also obeying and not real respect per se.

The challenges of resolving issues can be lessened considerably when we understand that, ultimately, it is in our highest interest as individuals to consciously act in ways that treat both self and other with dignity, and do so unconditionally. It is the key to growing healthy, vibrant relationships.

There are at least five attributes of conscious-listening:

1.  Train your mind to listen with an open heart.

Listening is the part we tend to find most challenging. And yet conscious-listening is incomparably more powerful than force. Failing to see this, we often rely on defensive tactics instead, which are punitive ways and energy-wasting ways of “fighting” to be heard, understood, appreciated. We do not realize the extent to which these actions are what blocks us from getting the love and connection we yearn for in our key relationships. We need a way of listening with an open heart, in which we consciously choose to treat one another with dignity, thus, consciously avoid judgments, accusations, blame, and other anxiety-provoking responses – like the plague. Is it easy? No! The good news? Our brains are hardwired for change. It’s known as plasticity. At any time we choose, and want to do so, we can learn skills and develop our capacity to be intentionally present to listen with our heart, more specifically: to focus on understanding (the heart of) what the other says, such as their positive intentions, not just their words; to be willing to let go of and suspend judgments or doubts; to practice listening objectively, for feelings, emotion-drives, positive intentions, as well as for layers of feelings and drives beneath the feelings, i.e., unfulfilled expectations, wishes, and so on; and last but not least, to believe we can.

2. Be an empathic presence.

To resolve conflict, regardless how intense the disagreement, we need to be willing and open to listening empathically. This allows us to remain connected to our compassion. (For self and other, based on the way our brains are hardwired with mirror-neurons, as compassion seems to be a two-way street.) Place yourself in the other’s shoes, and really look at the world from their perspective, understanding his or her feelings, emotion-dirves. What is the underlying message? This does not mean you need to agree. Just see the world from where they are. When you do, this sends the heart warming messages such as:

“I value you as a person and recognize your unique perspective and experience of the world.”

“You are important to me, you are cared for, you are a real presence in my heart.”

“I believe in you and trust your ability to think, make choices and learn from any mistakes.”

These messages can be conveyed even without saying these words, or any words. Although hearing such words can be powerfully healing, these messages are also expressed by being consciously present, in mind and body, also aware of your body-talk when you are listening,  making eye contact, giving your full attention, the look on your face, perhaps touch when appropriate, all show your concern or care.

3. Give empathic responses.

Every communication is a bid for connection. Responses are powerful in that they let the other know whether you are empathically connected or not. When your response communicates you’re not connected to place where you seek to understand the other, you send a message that you do not care. Emotions directly affect your and their physiology, thus your communication. When you are not present, the other feels the disconnect in relation to you, and, unless they are have a set intention to remain aware and present, they can lose their own sense of safety and connection. For example, let’s say Jonathan comes home from work and says the following to his partner Sue: “My boss blasted me in front of my colleagues today!”

Examples of non-empathic responses:

Sue: “Look at you complaining again. Why don’t you just quit?”

Or–

Sue: “What did you do to get him angry this time?”

Neither of the above responses are effective. In the first, Sue’s comment dismisses John’s concern, treating him like a child who should stop complaining and grow up. In the second, even worse, the comment accuses, blames and attacks him as a person, sending a message that his effectiveness as a person is in question.

Examples of empathic response:

Sue: “I’m sorry to hear that. That must have been embarrassing.”

Or–

Sue: “How insensitive of him. Are you still upset about it?”

Though emotions span a broad range, pitch and depth in intensity and complexity, from the perspective of the body’s autonomic nervous system, ultimately, love and fear are the two main signals or feeling-physiological states of the body. In other words, all feelings root back to either love- or fear-based emotions.

 4. Be accepting.

Unconditional acceptance means letting go of judgments of the other as a person. Judging sets a competitive tone that turns conversations into competitions for who is superior and who is inferior, right and who is wrong, good or bad, better or worse, and so on. There are NO winners in these competitions when it comes to family relationships! To stop being judgmental, practice the following (it takes work!): consciously separate the worth and value of a person from their actions or behaviors. While it’s necessary to assess and think of what behaviors are harmful versus  enriching, when we attack or condemn a person’s character, we are literally striking lethal blows to the relationship we have (or had). It’s just human nature. Relationships follow laws of physics, such as: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although common, it’s unrealistic to attack a person’s worth or capacity as a person, and then expect them to change their behavior, even thank and love us more! People tend to live up to expectations, and we wonder why. Be accepting and believe in others instead. It’s much more powerful than judging. Focus on giving unconditional acceptance instead.

5. Use clarifying questions.

Paraphrasing or repeating back what you say allows you to clarify meanings and understand the other.  Sometimes it is necessary to ask questions to clarify meanings, such as “I’m not sure what you mean,  can you tell me more about this?” or “What do you mean by ‘too upsetting to deal with’? Asking for addition information not only helps you to better understand the other, it also sends a positive underlying message that “I want to know and value your perspective.” Nothing warms the heart more than sending a message that you value the other by valuing their viewpoint.

 Summing up…

Conscious communication is an intention, in challenging moments, to remain empathically connected to self and the other, rather than triggered and defensive. When we feel safe enough to be present, we are more likely to express ourself authentically, and thus more likely to be listened to, validated and valued in return.

• In conscious communication, both talking and listening skills matter and work together, serving to provide an emotional experience that allows each person to feel safe enough to grow a quality relationship in which key emotional needs (not wants…) are expressed, mutually valued – and met through natural giving – from a place of love and joy, and not fear, shame or guilt.
• And since the ingredients that strengthen your relationships have to do with feeling states that you (consciously or subconsciously) energize in yourself and the other (i.e., with your self-talk, beliefs, etc.) — nothing is more important to healthy relationships than “adjusting” how you feel thus treat your self and the other in the moment.

It takes courage to consciously love another, as authentic love is more than a feeling, and rather ongoing acts of courage that mutually nourish self and other, as we stretch to be a listening presence, so we may better understand our self and the heart of another, as a non-judging witness to our and their personal concerns, needs, dreams and frustrations, etc.

We can choose to ignore but never change the reality of how we’re hardwired: Our deepest yearnings are to matter, to meaningfully connect, to contribute value in our relationships, and thus at minimum, we yearn to be treated with dignity (especially when upset).

When you talk and listen in ways that stretch you, particularly in moments where you may not “feel” like doing so, you exercise your ability to stretch and courageously develop the capacity to authentically love your self and another.