Psych Central


As a mind game of sorts, defensiveness is deceptively destructive. It throws off the energy of the body — and when your heart is off balance, so are you. In survival mode, fear rules the body, and the brain shifts from learning mode to protective mode, thus, no longer open to influence or change.

An angry outburst, denial, blaming, lying, excuses, withdrawal, and the like, can provide rushes of power in the moment — cheap thrills, if you will. Yet these are costly when you consider their effects on your personal health and relationships.

Take heart. Change is possible. It has everything to do with applying certain Laws of Change to manage the energies of your heart.

7 Comments to
Three Laws of Change – How to Influence Your Subconscious to Manage the Energies of Your Heart

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  1. While there is no doubt truth in the advice given here, I have serious differences with it. Happiness is important but it is not everything. I am finding that people who are focused only on their happiness are often cruel and/or rude to others and selfish in their actions. They don’t like to obey laws for the common good, e.g., recycling. These are elements that make society workable and livable for everyone. Yes, happiness is important but there are other things that are part of life that are just as – or more – important.

    • Hi, “unhappyguy” — thanks for sharing your perspective on this. By your description of happy persons, I wonder if you are meaning “selfish” or “narcissistic”. They often have self-esteem problems, perhaps even self-hatred, and thinking patterns that blame others, create a lot of unhappiness inside for themselves most of all. The kind of happiness I talk about here is the kind that enhances the energies of the mind and the body to be at our best. In general, happy persons, in whatever area of happiness they focus, tend to make the greatest contributions to others and society. Happiness is pure, delightful and healthy for the mind and body. I don’t believe it is possible to be too happy in life. If you’re meaning “self-indulgent” then I would agree that these persons face issues in life, can make life difficult for others. Thanks again for commenting!

  2. WOW! Filled with so much information, I will have to re-read it, in order to absorb it all, and respond appropriately. Thank you!

    But, one thought does come to mind. The idea of a “partner” and an “other” seems to come out of nowhere. I was taken by surprise. I was reading this article for myself, and didn’t see this coming at all. (Though I recognize that others have partners or significant others.) It just *seems* to me as if this reference to another person came into the reading as a leap, and threw me off guard. But, that’s just my thought, at the first reading.

    And as I said, there is so much valuable reading here for me to invest myself in, I really do want to re-read. Indeed, I took the liberty of printing it out so that I could highlight what I consider very relevant information for myself.

    This is one example of what I mean. And it is directly related to what my counselor is asking me to do right now!

    “Unless you are willing to consciously reflect on your thoughts, feelings and actions, you efforts to make changes will be thwarted by subconscious beliefs.

    Chances are, when you are not aware of the energies you bring to a discussion with a loved one, you will react defensively in certain contexts, and blame them instead. Each time you do, however, you merely intensify painful emotions you both already feel inside, as loneliness, rejection or shame.

    The unexamined life is not worth living. ~ SOCRATES

    The process of making conscious the subconscious is one of the most important ways of changing defensive patterns of relating to yourself and loved ones.”

    So, I’ve come to a better understanding of what my counselor is asking of me, as a result of what you’ve written on this blog. And I know there is much more that I have to learn, by re-reading and processing everything you’ve got to offer here. So, thanks again!

    Peace!

    • Thanks for your thoughtful words and sharing from your own experiences, sunflower55! So glad to hear you are working with a counselor and finding value there to empower you to live your best life, I also appreciate the feedback about “partner and “other” — and have taken note of this to make a revision in the future. Thanks again for the comment! I so appreciate your support!

  3. Dr. Staik – when you refer to the “heart” (e.g., “the energies of your heart”) are you referring to the bodily organ we call the heart, to an emotional part or function of the brain, or something else? Thank you for your articles, they are helpful. This one reminds me of some ideas from William James and also the old classic, “Psychocybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz, but very clear, understandable and usefully applied to relationships.

    • Geoff, thanks for the comment and question. By “energies of the heart” I mean our emotions, the chemical messengers in the body responsible for firing and wiring neurons, in particular the ones that are inner hardwired impulses or drives to love, find meaning, contribute value, be recognized for our unique presence in life, and so on. When these energies govern what is going on in our thoughts, emotions and body — the direction of our lives is quite different from when survival fear takes charge of the body (fight or flee response).

      Thanks for asking this question and allowing me to clarify!

  4. This is one of the best posts I’ve ever, ever seen here and it’s a very good blog, to begin with! Thank you very much.

  5. I think this is a wonderful article, thank you. I also very much enjoyed your previous article on defensiveness. They have both been enormously thought provoking for me in a difficult time.

    Matt

  6. I have never read an article that stated the obvious so beautifully!! Thank you so much for the generosity of your time to this website.

    This article spoke to me personally and said exactly what I needed to hear and it made the steps so much more applicable for an individual to put into practice and not feel overwhelmed (yet again) by a well intentioned therapist, etc.

    I am so looking forward to sharing this article with my husband and others that I care about. And, I will be following your career now and waiting for your book!!

    Thanks again,
    Mary

    • Thank you for the lovely message and positive feedback, Mary. I’m so glad you found the piece personally of value and honored to know you plan to share it with persons you care about! Thanks again for commenting!

  7. I’m recovering from long term addiction problems,life long issues and I am finding this article and others that you have written of extreme benefit, really empowering …thankyou

  8. Very nice article that talks about some ideas very similar to my recent thoughts. I realized this new year that I should stop excusing myself. I am trying to defend against thoughts of not being right or normal as a person but this also makes me more sorrowful. I sort of already had the feedback mechanism where I can identify and think about my thoughts, I started realizing how these are shaping me and now the time has come to embrace the painful thoughts instead of defending. I am thinking this also as a way of reverse psychology or a method that reminds me of behavioral therapy.

    Though one needs a long time to reach this state. I have spent so many years thinking it over and over again and only recently I realize some good concepts to stick with. And I still have to fight a lot of inner demons.

  9. I love your blog. The power of the subconscious mind is something I’ve written about in my books and on my websites many times. You do a great job of explaining how health, happiness, and success are related to the thoughts we think and how to use the subconscious mind to help us heal. I enjoy reading.

    • Thank you for your comments, Bric. I appreciate knowing that you find my posts helpful and enjoyable in some way. Thanks for you stopping by to let me know.

  10. After reading the article on the 3 Laws of Change I have gained insight on my emotional state. The article helped me to discover how the emotional scars from my childhood are still negatively impacting my life today. This article, however did not give enough information about exactly what steps to take when I feel these negative emotions kicking in. It would be helpful if practical exercises to perform when these feelings surface were given. Also, I have been considering hypnotherapy to help me with these emotions. Do you think that would beneficial for dealing with latent subconscious negative emotions??

  11. hi , im really interested in subconscious and ways to enter it
    is it that simple , just by changing ur thoughts and u will change ? then why is it called ( painfull ) ??!
    can you help me out here ?
    i live in dubai are there any pschycologists i can find ??
    any books that are simple and lucid about how to enter the subconscious and change it ???

  12. I found this article while searching for resources to improve my quality of life. I realized that after losing my sister, mother and then going through a tough breakup that I now have a subconscious fear of intimacy. While longing for it at the same time. Whenever I’m talking to a woman and we start connecting I

  13. This is one of the great article I have ever read. This article is an excellent mix of science and spirituality and of great value of everybody. I wish all doctors are like you working at core of the problem rather than on symptoms. Thank you so much. God bless and lots of love.

    • Thanks for the supportive words and feedback, Shiv Pal. I appreciate your stopping by to leave a comment.

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