Your Brain Articles

A Conscious Re-Writing of Your Life Story: Three Optimal Practices, 2 of 2

Wednesday, April 30th, 2014

The authentic wise-self and the wounded ego-self are often at odds with each other.

Some competition between them is natural, in vying over which lense, love or fear, will be the primary voice of your experience of life. It’s an ongoing aspect of personal growth and development. As discussed in Part 1, each tells your life story from very different perspectives. 
Roughly speaking, these parts correspond with the two divisions of the body’s autonomic nervous system: the parasympathetic nervous system (learning or balanced mode) versus the sympathetic nervous system (survival or automatic defense mode). The question is which division will take charge of your mind and body in situations that trigger you?
Who makes this “decision”? Ultimately, the simple answer of course is y-o-u. However, most decisions we make are automatic and therefore activated subconsciously without your awareness? The outcomes are dramatically different, however, depending on whether your wise-self or wounded-ego self is in charge.
These two parts relate to life and key questions differently in that they are each driven by different emotional states of the mind and body.
That’s because the former involves your brain in higher-thinking processes (frontal cortex), tasking you to consciously re-think a situation in new ways (okay, your partner may be upset because you’re late, but does this mean your survival is really at stake?!). In contrast, the latter automatically accesses mostly pre-decided-thinking-strategies. Naturally, the former requires more effort, conscious awareness in the present moment, and thus is not as comfortable.
Like it or not, conscious thinking is the road less taken because the latter “feels more comfortable,” taking automatic pre-programmed paths of least resistance. Three emotional-command pathways stand out in terms of freeing you to create an enriching life story.
1. The practice of curiosity (rather than judgment).
The emotion of curiosity fosters an optimal learning environment for your mind and body, and brain. Curiosity allows you to maintain a learning orientation to events and life around you. Unlike rigid thinking and judgements which activate fear, curiosity sparks optimism and positive expectations for growth and progress. It fulfills a natural seeking — and need to learn and grow our knowledge and understanding, and learn how to optimize our happiness, optimally, to treat your life and life around you as treasures that you have the honor of experiencing. Emotions of curiosity also spark possibility thinking processes.
In contrast, the wounded ego-self is primarily focused on limiting learning to improving defenses, protection, ensuring survival, and so on, and thus keeps your mind and body hyper-vigilant, on-guard and on the look out for perceived threats that help you maintain distance and a protective level of mistrust of others. Your body also stops normal processes of growth in survival mode, such as cell regeneration, in order to conserve energy for defense.  Of course, wherever and whenever survival is really, really at stake, survival mode serves well.
2.  The practice of flexibility (instead of unyielding rigidity).
The emotion state of flexibility is one that frees you to be grounded in your power to make choices. It allows you to access higher cortex processes, such as reflective or possibility thinking, which increase your chances of learning how to protect your happiness and fulfill your own core emotion-drives to matter, to meaningfully connect in relation to life and others, and so on — and not just depend or wait for others to “make you” feel good enough, deserving, loved, loving, and so on. Life is a series of choices, and you always have a choice.
In contrast, rigid either-or or black-and-white thinking can lead you to make unrealistic conclusions, such as that you must “control” certain events or other persons, and this maintains the illusion that it is desirable or even possible to control others. This belief leads to much suffering. In truth, you’ve alwayes been in control of your life, and your greatest power is always your ability to choice at any moment how you respond (emotions, thoughts, beliefs, actions etc.).  No one has power over you because they cannot control your heart. No force or fear-based logic, regardless how sound, can open the human heart. Only love can do that.
You are not your emotions and thoughts, or the events you’ve experienced; you are much more. You are the observer, the choice-maker, and your choices in how you respond are a life-shaping power that can keep you on course to realize happiness and fulfillment, and navigate away from being tossed around by the emotion-activating behaviors of persons or events around you. In truth, it is your responses to your experiences that hold the power to shape who you are and become, thus, shape the direction of your life. To make positive change, you must own the power you have to choose, and to embrace this power to create optimal and ever wiser responses to what most challenges and triggers you.
3. The practice of presence (rather than the anxiety about the future or regrets about past). See the most important moment in your life is always now, the present.
The most important moment in your life is always the present one. It is the only place of power to make a new an optimal choice that would perhaps positively effect the future.  An emotional state of presence allows you, at any given time and especially in triggering moments, to remain connected to the inner sources of power and wisdom, knowledge and understanding of the past, and to do so connected to your awareness. The present moment is a space in time that is pure power.
There is no other moment in which you may actually exercise your power to choose. To forget this puts you at risk that some fear-based emotion will hold your mind hostage either in the past (i.e., regret) or the future (i.e., anxiety), or both. Safe to say, life is an eternity of present moments. Life issues can only be resolved in the now experience of them. Healing of past or future anxiety occurs in the present. Even you talk about the past or plan for the future, your subconscious mind and body experience this in the present moment. This explains why attempting to solve any problem “for all time” gets you stuck. Attempting to create plans to avoid certain emotions is counterproductive, and these emotions promote growth and healing.
This is good news. It means if you really want to heal the past or break free of anxiety about the future, healing is always a breath away.  Life is to be lived one moment at a time – or risk not being lived at all.
You always have a choice in how you respond to events in and around you. This helps you stay centered in your power from within as you come to realize, more and more, that events do not define or shape you.

10 Essential Ways of Thinking to Make Mindfulness a Way of Life

Friday, April 25th, 2014

images-15Mindfulness makes living a happy and health life and relationship easier, and more effortless. Yet it is more than the vital practices that it is most commonly associated with, such as cultivating a sense of effortless presence, awareness, connection to mind and body, breath work, and the like.

It also requires us to become conscious and aware thinkers, and this requires effort. consistent and conscious effort to become aware and conscious thinkers.

Essentially, it is, if anything, a transformation of old thought and belief patterns that activate our fear response unnecessarily, and thus prevent us from a deeper relationship and connection to our self, mind and body, and life around us.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a learned ability to live in the present moment, an inner connection to our experience of life in and around us.

The Power of Subconscious Learning: Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

images-823Findings show that thoughts are powerful activators of life transforming inner processes. They activate neurochemical signals that accordingly generate emotions and actions, learning and change, to include the formation of behavioral patterns or habits.

Subconscious learning in itself is a powerful and efficient built-in capacity. When what we learn is aligned by chance to our goals and highest interests for personal and relational health and well being, it can support us to grow in positive directions and to realize amazing and creative outcomes and passions. What if it doesn’t however? Limiting beliefs or toxic thinking patterns can harm our health, keep us stuck in life-draining addictive behavior patterns, and at best place limits on our happiness.

The Relationship Building Power of Empathy: Seven Actions of Empathic Listeners, 3 of 3

Monday, March 31st, 2014

images-346Empathy empowers grace and harmony in our lives and relationships.

Without empathy, we’re not connected to the otherwise amazing inner resources available to help us restore or keep our connection to built-in capacities to think and feel, and, when necessary, to shift to optimal thoughts and feelings, imagine new possibilities, transform fears, make optimal choices, and ultimately grow wiser learning from our mistakes.

It is in empathic relationships that we learn to feel safe enough to compassionately connect with what is going on inside of us — rather than run away or react aggressively — when we feel triggered or stressed.

Part 1 outlined key intentions underlying empathy, and Part 2 listed three of seven actions that naturally flow from seeking to genuinely connect with another human being at deeper levels. Here are the remaining four:

4. Seek to understand (other) before being understood. 

This allows you to focus your attention on listening to understand the other’s heart with compassion (as you’d likely wish if you were them). In this place, you are present in mind and body, and are seeking what is in the highest interest of both, ultimately, to grow your compassion for your self and the other as human beings.

The Relationship Building Power of Empathy: Seven Conscious Actions of Empathic Listeners, 2 of 3

Friday, March 28th, 2014

Empathy is a key emotion in building healthy, vibrant, mutually enriching relationships.

In Part 1, we described empathy as a form of love, a gift of our presence to actively listen, to emotionally connect, and to provide a holding place that shares the intensity of another’s experience. We also said that, consciously or subconsciously, empathy stems from certain intentions. It doesn’t stop there, however.

Actions are an essential part of expressing, giving and receiving love. Action seals the deal; and this is the topic of this post.

Without action, the best of intentions have no meaning, in other words, as if they never occurred or existed. Relationships are living entities, and they require certain actions to remain alive. 

Three Obstacles to Intimate Communication Between You and Your Partner

Thursday, February 13th, 2014

Loving KissCreative Commons License Pedro Ribeiro Simões via Compfight

Communication is the life tool with which we may create and strengthen our relationships, and relationships are all about emotional safety and meaningful connections.

Communication is a tool like no other. Whether verbal or nonverbal, it is to your emotional and mental health, and relationships, what food and water are to your body. You may be wondering, if talking is such a “loving” activity why do you experience so much pain in your communications with one of the most important persons in your life, your partner?

The Power of Forgiveness: Restoring Own Connection to Love & Healing

Friday, January 31st, 2014


Though not easy, letting go of past resentments, a process also known as forgiveness, really works! Letting go does not mean forgetting a wrongful action or excusing how hurtful it was, however;  it means letting go the human survival-instinct to hurt the back, to retaliate or to wish as much or more suffering on the other.

Ultimately, we forgive because of its impact accordingly on the state of our mind and body (autonomic nervous system). While revenge may be our mind-body’s instinct in survival mode (where fear is the governing emotion, and body shuts off any consultations with the heart or higher intellect), revenge is never aligned with our body’s highest directives (built-in wisdom) to do more than merely survive, rather to thrive, to fulfill core yearnings, or emotion-drives, to matter, to meaningfully connect.

Five Skills that Predict Success in Marriage Relationships

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

images-874Thanks to advances in research methodology and neuroscience, relationships are now a science. The science of love relationships has identified several specific behavior patterns of partners that succeed in creating healthy, mutually enriching couple relationships. Partners who think and act in certain ways nearly guarantee themselves love relationships in which they feel fulfilled, loved and appreciated.

First, the good news is both you and your partner are wired for love, your body’s health depends on it.

Second, you are wired to release a certain love hormone, Oxytocin, the chemical known as the “cuddle hormone,”  in response to certain behaviors.

Feeling loved and secure has everything to do with knowing how to create an Oxytocin response that makes you and your partner feel loved and secure.

How to Argue to Live Authentically (and Strengthen Your Relationship) 1 of 3

Monday, January 20th, 2014

6135_1072891877077_522792_nEver find yourself in the same reactive discussion with your partner again and again?

Okay, the details may be different, but overall do you get into a scripted dialogue in which you can guess what your partner is going to say or do in reaction to something you say?

(Most likely, by the way, your partner likely feels the same way too.)

The stuck feelings seem all too familiar to couples in a relationship. Like others, both of you likely wonder, at times, whether there’s a chance of ever getting the love, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, romance, etc., you want. You know, the feelings you had at the start of your relationship. It seems you’ve tried everything. Is it too much to ask to feel valued, important — and connected — in your relationship?

Reach for the Stars in New Year 2014 — 7 Ways to Amp Up the Love, Calm the Fear

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Illustration image Here we are into a new year, can you believe it — 2014 — Happy New Year!

What a wonderful time to refresh, renew, ponder and reflect again on … what brings meaning to your life, your deepest aspirations, yearnings and dreams, or new ways to approach old challenges, big or small, in your personal life or relationship.

It’s energizing to write down goals, hopefully achievable S.M.A.R.T. goals, to increase our chances for good outcomes.


Subscribe to this Blog: Feed

Recent Comments
  • Patricia: I just read your article and I was shocked to realize this was me in my life, right now. I have been scared...
  • Athena Staik, Ph.D.: Thanks for commenting, Stellar. It may be disturbing to think of pornography as...
  • Athena Staik, Ph.D.: Thanks for the comment, however, I’m puzzled why it’s “crap” for a...
  • rawr: This is crap. It’s literally what every woman says they want but rarely go for. If you want a good man...
  • Stellar36: As much as I agree with the whole connotation of this article I believe one part of the industry is...
Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code

Users Online: 12240
Join Us Now!