Here are three important lessons we’ve gained from studying success.
It does not come from what is outside of you in the environment—a car, a house, a degree, a promotion, financial wealth—as desirable and wonderful as these can be. Instead, lasting and powerful success stems from what is going on inside of you. It is dependent upon your willingness to consciously produce certain thoughts inside your head, more specifically, thoughts that energy a positive physiology, an energized positive emotional state that makes you virtually unstoppable in creating the success you want.
Communication is the life tool with which we may create and strengthen our relationships, and relationships are all about emotional safety and meaningful connections.
Communication is a tool like no other. Whether verbal or nonverbal, it is to your emotional and mental health, and relationships, what food and water are to your body. You may be wondering, if talking is such a “loving” activity why do you experience so much pain in your communications with one of the most important persons in your life, your partner?
Communication is not the problem; the real problem is allowing your subconscious minds to communicate in your defense, rather than communicating in conscious, deliberate ways that grow you personally because they energize life in your relationship. Just as we cannot not communicate, we cannot not relate. Therefore, it is not a question of whether or not communicate, rather a question of how you relate when you communicate.
How has to do with the emotional signals you are sending, distinct messages about how you feel about one another that either enhance or diminish the quality of your couple relationship. You may not be consciously aware of these signals, however, your subconscious mind is, and hypervigilantly so in situations where it thinks you perceive a threat or danger.
Alas, you are your partner are wired to seek fulfillment in the giving and receiving of your gifts of love. At the same time, you are also wired with a drive that propels you to seek to be known, recognized and valued as a unique individual. This is part of your quest for meaning and purpose in life.
Thus, the strivings for a deeper connection, on the one hand, and the strivings for being valued as unique being, on the other, create a natural tension in our relationships, seemingly pulling and pressing from opposite directions.
Though not easy, letting go of past resentments, a process also known as forgiveness, really works! Letting go does not mean forgetting a wrongful action or excusing how hurtful it was, however; it means letting go the human survival-instinct to hurt the back, to retaliate or to wish as much or more suffering on the other.
Ultimately, we forgive because of its impact accordingly on the state of our mind and body (autonomic nervous system). While revenge may be our mind-body’s instinct in survival mode (where fear is the governing emotion, and body shuts off any consultations with the heart or higher intellect), revenge is never aligned with our body’s highest directives (built-in wisdom) to do more than merely survive, rather to thrive, to fulfill core yearnings, or emotion-drives, to matter, to meaningfully connect.
Thanks to advances in research methodology and neuroscience, relationships are now a science. The science of love relationships has identified several specific behavior patterns of partners that succeed in creating healthy, mutually enriching couple relationships. Partners who think and act in certain ways nearly guarantee themselves love relationships in which they feel fulfilled, loved and appreciated.
First, the good news is both you and your partner are wired for love, your body’s health depends on it.
Second, you are wired to release a certain love hormone, Oxytocin, the chemical known as the “cuddle hormone,” in response to certain behaviors.
Feeling loved and secure has everything to do with knowing how to create an Oxytocin response that makes you and your partner feel loved and secure.
Here we are into a new year, can you believe it — 2014 — Happy New Year!
What a wonderful time to refresh, renew, ponder and reflect again on … what brings meaning to your life, your deepest aspirations, yearnings and dreams, or new ways to approach old challenges, big or small, in your personal life or relationship.
It’s energizing to write down goals, hopefully achievable S.M.A.R.T. goals, to increase our chances for good outcomes.
New goals and new starts however often come with bag of mixed feelings! Of course positive feeling of hope, belief, possibilities are rarely the problem. We love them. What we tend to not love, however, are the doubts, worries and other fear-based emotions that can steal our good feelings and happiness.
How can we maintain our enthusiasm from start to finish?
The answer lies in consciously ampng up the love in your mind and body, and at the same time, calming the fear.
When you follow your heart (instead of any fear or triggers), you can avoid the crippling effects of living life in survival mode; and you also find fear in small doses can be another asset towards your success.
First, here are a few tips to amp up the love.
1. Connect to your purpose for achieving each goal.
The fastest and most satisfying path to fulfill your goals is to not only clarify what you want, but also know your purpose. Your reasons dds the passion you need to carry you when you face obstacles or challenges along the way, which are also inevitable, by the way.
1. Turn any criticisms into clear requests
Think of words as emotion-activating agents, and reframe criticisms into requests to produce high- rather than low-energy emotional states in your self and others. Brain fact: Low energy emotions (fear-based) block creative thinking to the extent they intensify, and even worse, activate our automatic defense strategies. When this happens, high levels of cortisol turn off our brain’s learning mode, which may explain why we stop listening when we feel attacked. Rather than saying,”You’re always angry and on the attack,” say the following: “Speak to me in a voice that lets me know you love me when you’re upset.”
2. Describe problems in solution focused language.
Use words to craft that reframe a stubborn problem in solution terms to give your self and others a fresh and energizing perspective. Brain fact: The images that positive action-oriented language energizes in our brain produce action-activating emotions emotion-command neural circuitry and associations that can move us to take action more easily and effortlessly. In contrast, problem-focused language can leave us feeling de-energized, in a rut or states of boredom, which can seem “real” after prolonged use, however, they are simply habits — neural associations — that we have subconsciously formed, stored and reinforced over a period of time. This means they can be unlearned. Rather than “You always leave me to do everything,” say “It’s a privilege to care for our house. I want to do my part to make sure you do not miss out on the great feelings of taking part as a team member in caring for our house.”
3. Replace judgements with curiosity.
Stir thoughts that spawn curiosity instead of criticisms or harsh judgments of yourself or others. Brain fact: Whereas criticisms tend to demotivate and keep us stuck in old thinking and behavior patterns (emotion-command neural circuits that activate fear), curiosity motivates us toward …
In Part 1, we considered three areas of the brain that work together to produce feel-good chemicals, and that, depending on the circumstances, can literally alter our emotional states of body and mind to the point of putting our ability to make choices (personal power) out of reach. The automatic release of this chemical mix can lead us to making poor and potentially dangerous decisions, and even worse, form an addictive habit or pattern.
To retain our choice making capacity, it helps to understand that a key underlying issue in relationships, based on decades of research on attachment and intimacy, is the connection.
Human beings get unhinged about a lot of things, yet nothing seems to compare to the actions of desperation, and the emotional roller coasters in the dance of romance.
Where in life are we suddenly in the most intimate of circumstances, contemplating dramatic shifts to our lives and future plans, with someone who was a total stranger a relatively short time ago?
Our early relationships are particularly formative. It is in early years that our brains form structures that, absent a change causing event, subconsciously, serve as reference points for relating to self and others throughout life.
Parents are often provided what-to-do-or-not-do lists to promote healthy child development, less often is the focus on the quality of emotional presence parents can bring, at any given time, to interactions with their children. In this post, we discuss two of five states of being, or “BE’S,” that parents can use as guidelines to nurture healthy relating capacity in children.
Because our mind-body refers to these early structures automatically, how we parent makes a difference. When we were children, for example, our parents’ brains subconsciously set parameters in what emotions we “should’ or “shouldn’t” feel or express, according to their own taboos and belief systems.
Many of us feel locked inside closets of fear, perhaps unrecognized. We learned to enter these places to protect ourselves whenever we felt fearful or scared as small children. As our brain strengthens behaviors we repeat, and imprints them as easily accessible strategies, the part of our mind that operates all the systems of our body, the subconscious, can activate these automatically. Our protective habits are also given priority status as they associated with ensuring our survival.
Protection from what?
Feeling our fears. We avoid what is our destiny, an essential aspect of become whole and happy human beings.
Our two greatest fears are intimacy fears.
Our deepest fears, fear of inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, and the like, have to do with our yearnings to matter as unique beings for the contributions we make to life around us and meaningfully connect in key relationships. They are core intimacy fears.