"Becoming" by Jennifer Main jennifermaingallery.com

A toxic relationship is one that is out of balance, in many ways, a reflection of its impact on the inner world of each partner. It is kept off balance, paradoxically, by the attempts each partner makes – in triggering moments – to increase their own sense of safety in relation to the other.

In Part 1, we explored five toxic interaction patterns in which partners inadvertently collude with one another, getting stuck in scripted roles that mutually trigger one another’s protective-responses.

In this post, we look at the neuroscience beneath these toxic protective-response strategies, as emotional command circuits in ready position to activate, and how these scripted patterns destabilize partner’s inner sense of emotional safety in the relationship, setting them up to fail in their attempt to realize personal and relational fulfillment.

Current advances in neuroscience allow us to identify patterns of activation and function of the brain and body’s central nervous system in ways that were only theoretical for psychological thinkers of the 20th century.

Love that turns toxic is neither healthy nor genuine, though the intentions of each partner are often well-meaning.

A couple relationship can be described as toxic when, due to intense emotional reactivity and defensive interaction patterns, it no longer promotes, and instead harms the individual mental, emotional, and physical, well-being and growth of each partner. The relationship is increasingly off balance, a factor that is affected by, and directly affects the individual inner sense of balance, health and safety of each partner.

In contrast, genuine love is an empathic connection that recognizes the authentic other and self as separate and unique beings, even encouraging the individuality of each as essential to the formation of healthy intimacy in a relationship.

Neurological findings in the last decades show that we are wired for certain early protective behaviors in life, and that these become habitual responses automatically activated throughout life, often without conscious awareness. Intense emotional experiences in childhood can alter the structure of the brain and have enduring effects in adulthood.

The eroticization of male dominance and female passivity in couple relations is a game in which there are no winners, an unhealthy trap that blocks what makes human relationships human —  an empathic connection — a wired drive to mutually know and to understand one another, in our relationships, that is rooted in our compassionate nature, yet also a learned skill, which requires us to remain open and vulnerable to grow the courage we need for its realization.

The dehumanizing nature of these cultural stories, as value systems, remains hidden in our world today, upheld and masked by mass media and pornography industries, that sell notions of eroticized dominance to men, and a milder version of romanticized dominance to women. These cultural values normalize addictive patterns of relating in couple relationships, with interlocking dynamics of narcissism and codependency, and cause a lot of emotional suffering for both sexes, with far reaching effects on family and other social contexts.

For this and other reasons, looking more closely at the impact of these cultural stories opens up possibilities for men and women to see one another anew, and, rather than compete, to honor the intrinsic dignity and value of each in relation to the other, first and foremost, as human beings, with an amazing potential to work cooperatively to build societies that support the formation of healthy relationships and enrich human life.

A union between a man and a woman is special, a relationship like no other.

Its initial stages have been compared, in studies, to the most potent of addictive drugs, dumping a mixture of hormones in the bloodstream that can drive otherwise ‘normal’ people to do crazy things.

The anniversary of your relationship, with each passing year, deserves a beautiful celebration. Of course, there are the traditional flowers, dinner, candlelight, reciting or renewing your wedding vows, or exciting getaways.

To connect to the heart of what brings meaning, consider adding one or more of the following five ways to celebrate, alongside your favorites:

1. Bring to mind the first steps … 

… of your life together. Life consists of a series of milestones. There are fresh starts around every corner. Ponder the firsts. The first meeting. When you first ‘knew’ your partner was ‘the one.’ Putting together a home. Becoming parents. Replay these memories.

The human psyche, Dr. Carl Jung said, ever strives for wholeness and healing.

Jung taught that healing, wholeness and consciousness, whether for an individual or a group, are inborn subconscious strivings. In his words:

“There is in the psyche a process that seeks its own goal no matter what the external factors may be….the almost irresistible compulsion and urge to become what one is.”

The path to one’s healing is a journey to consciousness, and the doorway to this path is … the discovery of one’s psyche wounds.

Notably, the latest neuroscience supports some of Jung’s observations. The subconscious mind can operate outside of conscious awareness, for example, and we do have the ability to heal our brain with self-directed methods of neuroplasticity.

The most painful wound in the Western psyche?

The selling of ideals for romantic love is a multibillion-dollar industry. While these notions contain elements of authentic love, they largely consist of myths, social order politics, and certain either-or thinking patterns known to jam the brain and body’s communication network.

Why the paralyzing effect?

Simply put, this thinking has attributes of belief systems known to jam the reflective thinking processes of the human brain with … fear. Only fear can paralyze the otherwise remarkable abilities of the human brain to reflectively think, learn, understand, empathize, thus, help partners form vibrant, mutually enriching couple relationships.

True love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love…it is correct to say, ‘Love is as love does.’” ~  SCOTT PECK

Romanticized ideals for love, and romantic love that leads to long term healthy companionship love with all the trimmings, produce two dramatically different outcomes.

Many of the futile attempts of partners to get the love they want in their couple relationships today have to do with “romanticized love” ideals, infused into Western society during the Middle Ages. These ideals, in effect, impose unfair expectations on men and women alike, with regard to what it means to be a “successful” man or woman.

Whereas romantic attraction may form the basis of initiating an interpersonal bond from which authentic love is a possibility, in and of itself, romanticized love defines love in a way that puts each person’s fulfillment in the hands of the other, thus, sparking an obsessive, watchful focus on the other as a love object, a potential setup for addictive relating, love and sex addiction.

A few decades ago the idea of love as an addiction seemed absurd and controversial.

Emotions of love and compassion give meaning and purpose to life. The brain is wired with circuitry for caring and empathic connection.

It is “a relationship organ,” as described by researcher Dr. Daniel Siegel. It can be said that all experience in life is relational. Your experience of self is always in relation to self, other persons, to life itself, for example.

Your deepest strivings are for love and meaningful connection to life within and around you. This explains why responses that convey love enhance your sense of security – and why some of your greatest fears, as rejection or abandonment, have to do with a sense of loss of love or connection.

In Part 1, we discussed the power of what emotion, either love or fear, you choose to energize at any given moment. In this post, we explore five mindful presence practices to energize your relationship.

The link between your health and key relationships?

It’s not surprising to learn, therefore, to learn that when your key relationships are off balance so are many other aspects of life. In other words, your physical, mental and emotional health are affected by the quality of your relationship.

When you fell in love, you viewed life through rose-colored lenses. You saw mostly one another’s perfections, shared your hearts willingly, told each other everything. You forgot your limitations, fears, and inhibitions. You felt loved and—connected, empowered and whole. You hoped it would last forever and thought, “This is how life should be!”

It all began in the ‘falling in love’ stage.

What happened to bring you down to earth?

Successful marriage partners know it’s not a matter of who’s right or wrong that solves issues in their relationship. A healthy vibrant relationship is a matter of knowing what works and what doesn’t—and consistent action.

Brain research now reveals why certain actions succeed and others fail. As it turns out, the specifics of “how” we treat one another makes a world of difference. It appears that certain actions “work” as they release Oxytocin into the bloodstream – a chemical that floods the body with feeling states of love, safety and connection.

In contrast, when the brain is in survival mode, the brain’s ability to use Oxytocin is impaired, thus, we do not feel safe enough to love or even open to learn from our experiences. (Is this why we keep making the same mistakes?)