Our early relationships are particularly formative. It is in early years that our brains form structures that, absent a change causing event, subconsciously, serve as reference points for relating to self and others throughout life.
Parents are often provided what-to-do-or-not-do lists to promote healthy child development, less often is the focus on the quality of emotional presence parents can bring, at any given time, to interactions with their children. In this post, we discuss two of five states of being, or “BE’S,” that parents can use as guidelines to nurture healthy relating capacity in children.
Because our mind-body refers to these early structures automatically, how we parent makes a difference. When we were children, for example, our parents’ brains subconsciously set parameters in what emotions we “should’ or “shouldn’t” feel or express, according to their own taboos and belief systems.
Many of us feel locked inside closets of fear, perhaps unrecognized. We learned to enter these places to protect ourselves whenever we felt fearful or scared as small children. As our brain strengthens behaviors we repeat, and imprints them as easily accessible strategies, the part of our mind that operates all the systems of our body, the subconscious, can activate these automatically. Our protective habits are also given priority status as they associated with ensuring our survival.
Protection from what?
Feeling our fears. We avoid what is our destiny, an essential aspect of become whole and happy human beings.
Our two greatest fears are intimacy fears.
Our deepest fears, fear of inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, and the like, have to do with our yearnings to matter as unique beings for the contributions we make to life around us and meaningfully connect in key relationships. They are core intimacy fears.
Never give up hope or think it is too late for someone you love and care about to change in healing directions.
Let go of trying to change them, for certain, and you may need to make the tough choice to let go of the relationship rather than watch someone you love engage in harming behaviors — but always keep your hope alive.
To never give up means to remain consciously active in hoping:
Emotions are central to attachment, and based on their effects on our autonomic nervous system, they fall primarily in one of two categories, love or fear in varying intensity. In other words, they are either overall stabilizing or destabilizing.
Perhaps no relationship is more intense, complex and challenging in its ability to discombobulate our otherwise healthy ability to think clearly and intelligently, make sound choices and engage common sense.
When our bids for connection with our partner fail to elicit the caring response we yearn for inside, our body’s autonomic nervous system activates distress signals, whether we’re aware of them or not.
Attachment is about the actual and perceived outcomes of our attempts to get closer or connect with a loved one. It can be as simple as asking for time together, seeking some level of understanding, or saying “Hi,” these bids for connection, and our responses to them, shape and are shaped by our perceived sense of the quality of connection we realize.
And yet, even when we know we’ve acted wrongly, something inside blocks us from saying so or taking action to make amends. More often, that something is a set of beliefs we hold that act as excuses.
Excuses are often assumptions that, whether conscious or subconscious, block us from taking action. Here are ten most frequent ones.
1. I’ll be seen as a bad person and not appreciated for the good things I’ve done.
This excuse also distracts us from directly resolving an issue. It focuses our attention on our fears, in particular the fear of not fulfilling our yearnings to matter and to feel we contribute value in our relationships.
The pursuit of happiness can be described as both a deep concern and obsession of human beings throughout time. This quest to discover how to live our best, most fulfilling lives is a phenomenon that cuts across cultures. The fever has intensified in the last decade thanks in part to a growing body of research that links happiness to benefits ranging from greater health, happier relationships, boosts to creativity, and even higher earnings.
Physiologically, happiness is an emotional state, a mix of feelings produced by some combination of feel-good hormones. It’s much more than an occasional emotional burst of dopamine, however.
It’s a process, it’s work and it’s a balancing act.
Recent research reveals that happiness has a paradoxical nature. A recent publication, What Happy People Do Differently by Drs. Todd B. Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener summarized some surprising findings emerging from studies of happiness. It appears the habits of those who are happiest include regular doses of activities that produce feelings of discomfort, doubt, uncertainty.
This post is a continuation from Part 1 that listed four of seven mindful, conscious habits that bring out the best in life. A conscious habit is a choice to practice, remain aware and take action in the direction of working wonders in your life and relationships.
Here are habits five through seven:
Habit #5. Positive Thinking
Take complete responsibility for the thoughts you think. Your thoughts trigger emotional states that have tremendous power to energize or de-energize your momentum. One of the biggest mistakes most people make in their thinking is to focus on what they do not want, what they lack, what’s not going right, and so on.
This is a mistake because whatever we put our thoughts on is emotional energy that expands.
Think of emotions as energy in motion, which means they drive and shape our actions. Always begin every morning, each activity or interaction with others with the end in mind, focusing on what you want to create.
Do you ever wonder why success for some people seems like smooth sailing on a warm breezy day, while others work hard to stay afloat? Success is no accident – it’s a collection of mindful, conscious habits. A conscious habit is a choice to practice, remain aware and take action. The seven conscious habits below can work wonders.
Habit #1. Visually Prepare to Succeed and Contribute
Imagine being who and what you aspire, such as enjoying a trim, fit, radiantly healthy body, a highly-profitable and fulfilling career, or a vibrant mutually enriching relationship with your spouse. What would you be willing to do to realize this?