Love Articles

The Neuroscience of Addictive Love: Attributes of Love Addiction

Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

images-205What is this thing called ‘love’? Plato labeled love an ‘irrational desire,” and song titles such as “The Things We Do For Love,” as well as lyrics of songs such as “Why Do Fools Fall In Love,” convey the befuddling impact love relationships can have on human brains. For human beings, men and women alike, there is perhaps no bigger fascination or obsession for the senses, heart and mind, body and spirit.

The good news from fields of neuroscience and intimacy (known as social neuroscience, attachment, affective neuroscience and cognitive neuroscience) is that up-close studies of the brain mechanisms underlying behavior in social relationships have taken much of the mystery out of our quest to understand couple relationships.

As Dr. Sue Johnson states in a recent book, Hold Me Tight, quite the contrary, love relationships seem to be governed by an “exquisite logic” that follows rather precise algorithms. Bonding behaviors, it turns out, are less of a mystery and more a science.

We now understand, for example, there are neurochemical reasons why we tend to make poor decisions in certain relational contexts.


Personal Power: How to Own It (& Stop Giving It Away) In Your Couple Relationship, 1 of 2

Tuesday, July 8th, 2014

COUPLESIn successful relationships, partners take the basics seriously, and handle the yearnings of each to feel heard and understood as unique beings as really, really important; in short, they treat one another with dignity, recognizing their own and one another’s personal power.

As top trial lawyer Gerry Spence notes, what we face when we interact with one another, is what we most fear in our relationships, and that is: the power of the other as an agent of their choices.

The other has the power, for example, to choose to say no, to deny some need, want or yearning, and so on, and because this directly challenges our own sense of personal power (to realize dreams, wants and needs), it touches our deepest intimacy fears, such as fear of inadequacy, rejection, abandonment.

Not surprisingly, this dynamic is particularly intense in couple relationships.


A Checklist of 12 Science-of-Love Approved Wedding Vows, 2 of 2

Monday, June 30th, 2014

iStock_000008686716Medium    This post lists the last 6 of 12 science-backed wedding vows, and is a continuation of Part 1. They are

7. “I vow to disallow my past to negatively influence our present and future together as individuals and a couple.

This vow stems from research on couple communications and forgiveness. Consciously or not, early experiences in interactions with primary caregivers can subconsciously shape our lives, particularly events that were emotionally intense. Many or most core beliefs about who we are, what we are capable of, how we want life to be, and so on, originate in formative years of childhood. Some affect us in positive ways, giving us stamina to overcome challenges, while others block or limit our growth and happiness.

Often the impact of negative (and positive) childhood experiences remains dormant until problems in an intimate relationship surface, making it imperative that we take a fresh look at some deeply painful aspect of ourselves or lives, perhaps ones we’ve disowned or kept well hidden deep inside.


What Does Reactivity Say? Finding Balance in Your Couple Relationship (Beneath the Surface)?

Friday, June 27th, 2014

images-663Recent findings on the brain and intimacy remind us that all communications, regardless their delivery, are attempts to emotionally connect. We are wired for love and empathic connection.

With this in mind, let’s explore what defensive patterns in your couple relationship are saying to you and your partner. To be sure, your brains and emotions, thoughts and feelings, are doing what they’re designed to do whenever you or your partner perceive a threat, in this case, a threat to meeting a core attachment or intimacy (love) need.

What does reactivity say about what’s going on beneath the surface of your couple relationship?


A Science-of-Love Approved Checklist of 12 Wedding Vows, 1 of 2

Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

Noel + Hannah Will Marlow via Compfight

A recent article on Science of Relationships outlined a list of ten research-based wedding vows. Based on findings, Samantha Joel outlined vows that, if followed, would best guarantee marital bliss. The below list of 12 vows is adapted from the original.

1. “I vow to think highly of you, and seek to know and appreciate you for who you are, as well as who you aspire to become.”

This vow draws from research on the power of imagination, more specifically, the use of positive illusions or imagination, as a creative force, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Based on the findings of Dr. Sandara Murray and colleagues, partners who maintained positive illusions of the other and their relationship were more likely to eventually create it. When you view your partner in a positive light, whether you do so consciously or not, the benefits include not only giving your partner a personal feel-good, but also increasing their sense of security in relation to you. 


Body Wisdom: Understanding the Language of Your Body, 1 of 2

Monday, June 16th, 2014

InnocenceCreative Commons License Hartwig HKD via Compfight

Like or love it, you and your body are a highly sophisticated communication network that operates 24/7 around the clock every day of your life.

Neuroscience and other studies of the brain and human relationships have taught us a lot about the brain in the last two decades. We know that to understand and organize our thinking experience of the world, we must necessarily learn language—and all of its syntax and grammatical complexities. In much the same way, we must learn to understand and organize our experience of our body’s own language — emotion and sensory cues — with its unique grammar and syntax rules.


Mirror Neurons: How Our Ability to Connect With Others Makes Us Caring, Moral By Nature

Sunday, June 1st, 2014

MIRRORS Neil Krug via Compfight

As it turns out, social sciences and religions alike have been seriously wrong when it comes to labeling humans as inherently “bad,” “selfish” or “aggressive,” and so on, by nature or from birth. Similarly, scientific thought has mislead us at times into thinking that our instincts for survival have been the primary motivating force of nature, to include human nature.

(It begs the question: Is it coincidence that we’ve been simultaneously taught to think of love as fluffy, secondary or an optional add on to our nature?)

Conceivably, love is a primary evolutionary force. For humans, it is the primary reason to live, and the quest for meaning in life shapes most all of our behaviors, and not merely to survive.

More than likely, our physical instincts to survive are there to serve our higher ones. A handful of psychological theorists, such as Alfred Adler and Abraham Maslow, had it right. They understood certain essential instincts revealed our social nature as human beings, such as our yearnings for belonging, acceptance, making contributions, etc., substantiated by recent findings in neuroscience.

The work of Dr. Marco Iacoboni, published in his most recent book, Mirroring People:  The New Science of How we Connect with Others invites us to look at human nature with new reverence and awe.


Affirmations to Calm Fear and Fulfill Yearnings for Love

Monday, May 26th, 2014

Stay on your path Tc Morgan via Compfight

The practice of affirmations can be a powerful means to heal, change and grow in positive directions. Correctly applied, reaching for customized affirmations is also one of the easiest, fastest, most effective ways to supercharge your life — in a given moment or situation — to activate the health-boosting hormones and processes that optimal emotional states produce in the brain and body.

When you think of it, in its simplest form, an affirmation is really anything you say or think to yourself silently or aloud. In effect, you likely practice “affirmations” around the clock – subconsciously, outside your awareness.

More specifically, however, the word “affirmations” speaks to the conscious use of words that affirm, lift up, inspire, refresh, in other words, a conscious practice of making positive statements to your self … for the purpose of optimizing performance, energizing the body’s healing processes or shifting away from toxic thought patterns that intensify fears, depression, anger, etc., to unhealthy levels.

Affirmations are a key aspect of letting go of and, or replacing old habits of negative self-talk, which most persons are conditioned to repeat, to some degree 24/7, whether they are aware of doing so or not. Because thoughts are powerful activators of automatic neural activity, which produces actual structural inside your body, when you make this a conscious process, you are literally exercising your very own built-in capacity (unique to human beings!), ultimately, to choose the beliefs that will direct the firing and wiring of cells in your brain and body.

The joining or “wiring” of brain cells, is often referred to as, “cells that fire together, wire together”; the words are used to describe what happens when we learn something new or reinforce or modify a current skill. This wiring produces different types of structural changes to the brain, literally, when groups of cells that get activated together, develop new associations, or get modified or reinforced (thicker connections) to the extent they are repeated.

This grouping of common brain cells is what learned behavior is all about; this ability of our brain allows us to walk, talk, run, write, sing, in fact any learned activity we do, and do so seemingly without thinking (in truth, it …


The Power of Words: 20 Phrases to Heal (or Grow From) Relationship Conflicts

Friday, May 16th, 2014

Wild Dolphin PlayCreative Commons License Steve Jurvetson via Compfight

Thoughts are much more than airy pieces of information that enter our minds and then disappear. The words and ideas we think, and the accompanying feelings they spark, subconsciously shape our lives.

They can literally activate chemical processes that affect us at every level, emotional, physical, mental, and thus can drive us in the direction of overall success and happiness — or failure and distress.

Thoughts are energy. Emotions are energy. Physical feelings are energy. Together, they energize us to action accordingly, and even have the power to immobilize us. How you think (and thus feel) can have a profound effect on your ability to recognize an opportunity, perform to the best of your ability, or achieve the outcome of the goals that you’ve set for yourself.


A Conscious Re-Writing of Your Life Story: Three Optimal Practices, 2 of 2

Wednesday, April 30th, 2014

The authentic wise-self and the wounded ego-self are often at odds with each other.

Some competition between them is natural, in vying over which lense, love or fear, will be the primary voice of your experience of life. It’s an ongoing aspect of personal growth and development. As discussed in Part 1, each tells your life story from very different perspectives. 
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Roughly speaking, these parts correspond with the two divisions of the body’s autonomic nervous system: the parasympathetic nervous system (learning or balanced mode) versus the sympathetic nervous system (survival or automatic defense mode). The question is which division will take charge of your mind and body in situations that trigger you?
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Who makes this “decision”? Ultimately, the simple answer of course is y-o-u. However, most decisions we make are automatic and therefore activated subconsciously without your awareness? The outcomes are dramatically different, however, depending on whether your wise-self or wounded-ego self is in charge.
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These two parts relate to life and key questions differently in that they are each driven by different emotional states of the mind and body.
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That’s because the former involves your brain in higher-thinking processes (frontal cortex), tasking you to consciously re-think a situation in new ways (okay, your partner may be upset because you’re late, but does this mean your survival is really at stake?!). In contrast, the latter automatically accesses mostly pre-decided-thinking-strategies. Naturally, the former requires more effort, conscious awareness in the present moment, and thus is not as comfortable.
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Like it or not, conscious thinking is the road less taken because the latter “feels more comfortable,” taking automatic pre-programmed paths of least resistance. Three emotional-command pathways stand out in terms of freeing you to create an enriching life story.
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1. The practice of curiosity (rather than judgment).
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The emotion of curiosity fosters an optimal learning environment for your mind and body, and brain. Curiosity allows you to maintain a learning orientation to events and life around you. Unlike rigid thinking and judgements which activate fear, curiosity sparks optimism and positive expectations for growth and progress. It fulfills a natural seeking — and need to learn and grow our knowledge and understanding, and learn how to optimize our happiness, optimally, to treat your life and life around you as treasures that you have the honor of experiencing. Emotions of curiosity also spark possibility thinking processes.
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In contrast, the wounded ego-self is primarily focused on limiting learning to improving defenses, protection, ensuring survival, and so on, and thus keeps your mind and body hyper-vigilant, on-guard and on the look out for perceived threats that help you maintain distance and a protective level of mistrust of others. Your body also stops normal processes of growth in survival mode, such as cell regeneration, in order to conserve energy for defense.  Of course, wherever and whenever survival is really, really at stake, survival mode serves well.
2.  The practice of flexibility (instead of unyielding rigidity).
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The emotion state of flexibility is one that frees you to be grounded in your power to make choices. It allows you to access higher cortex processes, such as reflective or possibility thinking, which increase your chances of learning how to protect your happiness and fulfill your own core emotion-drives to matter, to meaningfully connect in relation to life and others, and so on — and not just depend or wait for others to “make you” feel good enough, deserving, loved, loving, and so on. Life is a series of choices, and you always have a choice.
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In contrast, rigid either-or or black-and-white thinking can lead you to make unrealistic conclusions, such as that you must “control” certain events or other persons, and this maintains the illusion that it is desirable or even possible to control others. This belief leads to much suffering. In truth, you’ve alwayes been in control of your life, and your greatest power is always your ability to choice at any moment how you respond (emotions, thoughts, beliefs, actions etc.).  No one has power over you because they cannot control your heart. No force or fear-based logic, regardless how sound, can open the human heart. Only love can do that.
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You are not your emotions and thoughts, or the events you’ve experienced; you are much more. You are the observer, the choice-maker, and your choices in how you respond are a life-shaping power that can keep you on course to realize happiness and fulfillment, and navigate away from being tossed around by the emotion-activating behaviors of persons or events around you. In truth, it is your responses to your experiences that hold the power to shape who you are and become, thus, shape the direction of your life. To make positive change, you must own the power you have to choose, and to embrace this power to create optimal and ever wiser responses to what most challenges and triggers you.
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3. The practice of presence (rather than the anxiety about the future or regrets about past). See the most important moment in your life is always now, the present.
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The most important moment in your life is always the present one. It is the only place of power to make a new an optimal choice that would perhaps positively effect the future.  An emotional state of presence allows you, at any given time and especially in triggering moments, to remain connected to the inner sources of power and wisdom, knowledge and understanding of the past, and to do so connected to your awareness. The present moment is a space in time that is pure power.
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There is no other moment in which you may actually exercise your power to choose. To forget this puts you at risk that some fear-based emotion will hold your mind hostage either in the past (i.e., regret) or the future (i.e., anxiety), or both. Safe to say, life is an eternity of present moments. Life issues can only be resolved in the now experience of them. Healing of past or future anxiety occurs in the present. Even you talk about the past or plan for the future, your subconscious mind and body experience this in the present moment. This explains why attempting to solve any problem “for all time” gets you stuck. Attempting to create plans to avoid certain emotions is counterproductive, and these emotions promote growth and healing.
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This is good news. It means if you really want to heal the past or break free of anxiety about the future, healing is always a breath away.  Life is to be lived one moment at a time – or risk not being lived at all.
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You always have a choice in how you respond to events in and around you. This helps you stay centered in your power from within as you come to realize, more and more, that events do not define or shape you.
 

 

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