The idea of ego-strength has a long history in the field of psychology that can be traced back to the development of Sigmund Freud’s three-tiered view of personality in terms of id, ego, and super-ego.

Thanks to numerous contributions since, this and other Freudian concepts were significantly revamped by many of his followers, such as Alfred Adler, Carl Jung and Erich Fromm, known as NeoFreudians, all of whom positioned their own theories as complements to Freud’s. More specifically, each shifted away from Freud’s deterministic, and pessimistic, view of human nature and, in its place, added what was sorely missing: An empowering view of human personality and behavior as, by nature, primarily social in focus and self-determined by intrinsic motivation.

In particular, NeoFreudians rejected Freud’s emphasis on sexual urges as primary motivators of ego drives and behavior. A follower of NeoFreudians, Abraham Maslow, who later made significant contributions of his own to psychological (and organizational) theory of human motivation with his now famous Hierarchy of Needs, put it this way in his book, Toward a Psychology of Being: “It is as if Freud supplied us the sick half of psychology and we must now fill it out with the healthy half.” 

The latest findings in neuroscience, attachment, and positive psychology, among other fields of scientific research, now confirm with hard evidence what was once theory, that indeed human nature and the brain are socially-motivated. The brain…: 

• …has circuitry for caring and empathic love-connections.
• …of an infant cannot survive apart from relational contexts; physical sustenance alone does not suffice.
• …seeks to form, learn and thrive throughout life in relational contexts, optimally, healthy ones.

As Dr. Daniel Siegel notes, the brain is a relationship organ. Emotions are what fire and wire neural interaction patterns that allow learning to take place in the brain, with the amygdala as the emotional hub. The primary drives of human beings throughout life are relational, and thus inseparably emotional in nature.

So what does this have to do with ‘the ego’ or ‘ego-strength’?

Many of the major psychological theorists spoke of the intrinsic human strivings for personal power and autonomy, as a universal ego drive that is not only normal, but a healthy goal – and intrinsically connected to relationship goals.

So what makes a healthy ego essential to your personal and relational happiness? First, let’s explore the distinctions between ego and ego-strength, and the characteristics of low and well-developed ego-strenfth.

The distinctions between ego and ego-strength?

Though the term ‘ego’ is commonly used to describe one who boasts, is arrogant, treats others with scorn, lacks empathy, and the like, the concept of ego is neutral in itself.

• The word ‘ego’ is a Greek word for ‘I,’ meaning your core sense of self, a distinct and unique expression of life, albeit one that paradoxically exists in connection or in relation to life and others. 

Thus, the term ego may take on different meanings depending on where its owner falls on a continuum between a healthy ego, on the one end of the spectrum, and an unhealthy one on the other.

As an infant, you were born without a sense of self, and thus without an ego per se. This served your development and survival at the time. Conceivably, it allowed you to experience a felt sense of oneness with your mother or other primary attachment figures. This was critical to your survival, at least initially, to permit you to gradually transition from what was most likely a felt state of total oneness with your biological mother in the womb.

• In contrast, “ego-strength’ refers to the resiliency or strength of your core sense of self, the extent to which you can face challenging events or persons, without feeling so overwhelmed that you take desperate action, perhaps with little or no thought to consequences.

Your ego-strength grows and develops throughout life, or at least has the potential to do so. It’s an integral part of your psycho-social-emotional and cultural development and forms your sense of self, or self-concept, in relation to self and others around you.

In the first years of life, your interactions with primary caregivers shaped your ego and ego-strength in ways that can have a lifelong impact. A young child’s sense of self, particularly in response to stress, is subconsciously wired, or imprinted as ‘learned’ neural patterns, in relational exchanges with primary caregivers. The good news is that this does not have to be a limiting factor. Your brain is built to learn and integrate changes, and new healing ways of responding to stress, throughout your life. It’s up to you, however, whether you apply them with sufficient vigor to integrate change.

The characteristics of low or undeveloped ego-strenth?

A person with little or weak ego-strength lacks resiliency, sticks mostly to what “feels” comfortable to them, and avoids what does not. They tend to hold unrealistic expectations, which are held rigidly in place by emotionally charged core beliefs that activate the body’s stress response, as they are rooted in fear and anxiety.

Thinking patterns are out of balance.

What does this mean? It can mean, on the one extreme, that the person believes they lack resources, are weak or too fragile to handle certain situations, and on the other extreme, that they believe their pain is greater than others’, or that they are entitled to live a pain-free life. In either case they hold unrealistic expectations that others or life should take their pain away, and seek others, activities or substances that can give them the constant source of comfort and assurance that they believe they need and ‘must’ have to feel okay about themselves and their life.

Such expectations are based on core beliefs that are limiting as they unnecessarily activate the body’s stress response and reactivity. Furthermore, reactive responses block one from developing a healthier ego or ego-strength, and instead make them prone to repeating problematic behavior patterns. Recall from other posts that learning is impeded when the brain is in ‘protective’ mode. The stress response activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which shuts off the brain’s learning mode. This means the reflective thinking parts of the brain are not operating, thus, it’s less likely if not impossible to consider healthy options and new possibilities.

In either case a person with underdeveloped ego-strength tends to live and act in defensive ways that are self-perpetuating. This further weakens their capacity to cope with day to day challenges. A person with low ego-strength characteristically:

• Wastes a lot of energy fighting and, or hating reality, and wishing it would go away.
• Rejects or denies the necessity of facing what they are most challenged by.
• Confuses strength with the particular defense strategies they most rely on, i.e., angry outbursts, avoidance, denial, wishful thinking, and the like.
• Refuses to accept or deal with what is at present or what happened in the past, and thinks this is a viable solution.
• Has unrealistic expectations for what ‘should’ or ‘must’ happen in order for them to feel strong or valued.
• Believes it’s possible to avoid emotional pain, fear and anger in particular, in life and relationships.

Outward appearances can be deceiving. Paradoxically, the ‘bigger the ego’ one has, the weaker their ego-strength. The weaker the ego-strength, the stronger the refusal to feel the painful feelings and to process the painful thoughts that are essential processes to free you from stuck places, which can put your life on hold.

Personal power and the characteristics of high ego-strenth?

In contrast, a person with well-developed ego-strength is resilient, optimistic, and has a strong sense of self as capable in handling challenges. Characteristically, they:

• Take a learning approach to life that increasingly grows their strength and confidence in handling triggering situations.
• Have an ability to tolerate discomfort, enough to regulate their emotions as opposed to feeling overwhelmed by them.
• Approach life overall with a curiosity and readiness to explore and to master what strengthens them, thus, increasing their chances of finding new ways of coping with challenges.
• Treat self and others as having inner resources to deal with challenges.
• Do not personalize what others say or do, and regard self and other as human beings, thus, fallible.
• Give others ownership for exacerbating or solving their own problems, as necessary.
• Exude an overall confidence in self and others to use their resources to handle and resolve life issues.

The stronger the ego-strength, the more comfortable one feels in taking ownership of their problems, and giving ownership to others for theirs.

A healthy ego-strength is connected to a healthy self-concept, one that is resilient, thus can look at a situation and see beyond it, understand the difference between wants and needs, and practices acceptance to discern between what can and cannot be changed, to respond accordingly.

Why a healthy ego is essential to health and happiness?

A healthy ego gives you the needed ego-strength to navigate challenging moments, and emotions of vulnerability rooted in fear and anxiety, with ease and resilience – which is an essential skill in the formation of healthy emotional intimacy.

Unlike weak ego-strength, you are less likely to personalize what others say or do, and more likely to accept yourself and others as human beings who have a right to make mistakes, and to grow their own problem solving abilities in the process – by making and learning from mistakes. It’s very basic to how healthy human beings learn.

Many of the major psychological theorists associated a healthy ego and ego-strength with a healthy exercise of personal power, one’s freedom and ability to choose to act in responsible ways with regard to self and other. Here’s what a few of them had to say on the subject:

• Alfred Adler (1870-1937) 

Alfred Adler one of the first to associate the striving for personal power, or ego-strength, as a universal drive that is not only normal, but a healthy human need. He believed persons are social beings with universal needs to belong, to exercise personal power, to find value in their relationships, and to contribute to the betterment of humankind. In a 1927 fourth edition of The Neurotic Character, he described an unhealthy lust for ‘neurotic power’ over others, as characterized by self-absorption and the use of aggression to dominate others. Adler believed this was rooted in harsh parenting practices that unwittingly thwarted a child’s needs for healthy power. He regarded  parental love and involvement as the most important elements to healthy human development.

• Rollo May (1909 – 1994) 

Rollo May defined power as an interpersonal process of growing a sense of self as free to act within socially responsible limits. He viewed a low level of anxiety as essential to growth, and ‘neurotic anxiety‘ as as product of not facing ‘normal anxiety’ in life. May identified five types of power, each in terms of its highest intention: (1) integrative power, which seeks to attain win-win interactions with others; (2) nutrient power, which focuses on taking care of other human beings; (4) competitive power, which consists of choices to use either fair or unfair means of winning; (4) manipulative power, which seeks to get others to do something against their will or without their knowledge; and (5) exploitive power, which aims to exploit others destructively for own purposes and gain.

• Abraham Maslow (1908 – 1970) 

Abraham Maslow described a healthy need for power as part of the universal human need for self-esteem. He believed that human beings were intrinsically motivated to find meaning in life by fulfilling five intrinsic needs as an integral aspect of their personal and relational growth. Maslow developed a Hierarchy of Needs that separated the 5 needs into two levels: (1) one high level need for self-actualization; and (2) four lower basic needs for physiological sustenance, emotional safety, belonging and self-esteem. He also identified two types of esteem needs that develop ego-strength; one is a healthy striving to experience a sense of self as competent and capable of mastering tasks, and the other a seeking to experience self as capable of gaining positive recognition from others. In a radical departure from conventional psychological research methods, Maslow emphasized the importance of focusing on positive qualities, and was the first to study persons self-actualized persons on the basis of their contributions to society, such as Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, William James, Jane Adams, Abraham Lincoln, among others.

• Carl Jung (1875 – 1961) 

Carl Jung believed the primary goal, universally, of every human being was to come to a full realization of an ego self, a concept he termed self-realization that is clearly similar to Maslow’s self-actualization. The self-realized person is actually not selfish, and rather oriented to seeking to find meaning in contribution. To Jung, the self represents an inner transcending power of all opposites, an inner stretching of self to realize an essential balance of energies within, one that is neither and both: male and female; conscious and unconscious; good and shadow; individual and connected to the universe; and so on. Jung viewed the ability to balance opposites as critical to ego-strength, as they produce necessary friction, and thus movement toward growth and change. Without opposition, there is no energy to act, and risk of stagnation.

In summary…

Your particular ego-strength refers to your ability to be adaptive, flexible and resilient in how you respond to challenging circumstances in your personal life and relationships. Thus, ego-strength is a measure of your:

• Personal power to make optimal choices at any given moment in time.
• Capacity to regulate difficult emotions in order to remain in optimal emotional states.
• Ability to accept what is, in past or present, and tolerate discomfort, stress, frustration without getting triggered.

In many ways, your ego-strenth reflects the extent to which your core beliefs and expectation are serving you, at present, to make optimal choices in moments when you face challenges. Unrealistic expectations for your self, others and life are energy draining to your ego, or sense of self.

Core beliefs are limiting when:

• They turn fears into bigger-than-life illusions, thus, seemingly too scary or overwhelming to deal with effectively.
• They unnecessarily activate your body’s stress response, making automatic defensive tactics, such as blame, avoidance or denial, etc., seem like the only options for lowering your anxiety.
• They block you from learning, making changes, and thus impair your personal and relational growth and development.

All of the above lower your ego-strength. In contrast, a healthy ego-strength provides a grounded sense of personal power, an ability to engage in present situations of life, stay determined, hopeful, believing and empathically engaged to your compassion for self and other.

In a nutshell, a healthy ego is essential to your personal and relational happiness. In contrast to an unhealthy one, a well-devoloped ego-strength allows you to relate to self and others in ways that promote mutual cooperation and positive regard.

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    Last reviewed: 30 Jan 2012