You’d hoped the connection you felt when you fell in love would bring a lifetime of fulfillment and joy, but now it seems the harder you try to get it back, the more it slips away.
We looked at how limiting beliefs, held in subconscious memory, can set conditions that activate defensive words and gestures, and here in Part 2, we consider ways to ensure you create the optimal outcomes you need, when addressing issues, to steer clear of subconscious fears and dance problems away!
Ever wonder how it is that two otherwise intelligent adults cannot seem to solve one or two “simple” problems, such as planning a fun night out together?
You just wanted a fun evening together with your partner, not a stand off. Was this too much to ask?
Of course not.
Logic doesn’t control behaviors, however, emotions do.
Thoughts cause emotions, and emotions are the energy that fuels verbal and nonverbal behaviors accordingly.
Your beliefs and thoughts are the perceptual filters that interpret events in your life.
When you approach an issue defensively, you resonate with one or more survival fears. Your thoughts about spending time together, as a result, do not produce happy images in your mind of your partner welcoming your inputs, as they did, when you first met, right? Instead, these thoughts likely create fear-inducing images , perhaps, of your partner dismissing, arguing back or withdrawing from you.
Simply put, what you think about inside expands to create life around you – through the power of the emotions it causes.
So, what do you do instead?
Here are three tools to use, starting today, to go for optimal results when dealing with issues that comes your way.
1. Set an intention to keep reaching for an optimal physio-emotional mindset.
Your thoughts are powerful energies that can completely change the state of your mind and body to what you believe and hold in your conscious awareness. The cells in your body respond to your thoughts. Thoughts release hormones into the bloodstream and affect the chemical firing of neurons in your brain.
What you believe to be true becomes true for your body because your subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between what is real and what you imagine. So, why not:
2. Check what emotional state is motivating your actions – fear energy or optimal results?
It’s essential to remain aware of what’s motivating your actions at any given time in key situations. If an unconscious limiting belief is running the show, it means one or more of your fears are in charge!
Fear perpetuates fear, however, and that’s not what you want, at least not consciously.
What do you want instead?
These practices allow you, that is, your conscious wise-self, to be in charge of key events of your life – and not the alarm system of your subconscious mind.
The subconscious, however, cannot alter your beliefs. This is a task for your conscious mind. To achieve such requires you to come to terms with how your mind and body are designed to work:
You are designed to be the phenomenal captain of your life — and your subconscious mind is an unparalleled first mate, some say – a genie.
Limiting your “genie,” who’s there to help make your dreams come true, to serving you as a mere alarm system, is a huge waste of your inner resources.
3. Develop awareness of the power of words on your emotional states.
Now that it’s evident that words cause emotional states, a powerful way to build your capacity to calm your mind and body is to develop an awareness of the power words have on your own and others’ emotional states.
Armed with this self-awareness, the choice is yours to consciously choose words and nonverbal gestures (i.e., eye contact, voice, touch) that help create a calming, confident emotional state inside you, and more likely have a calming effect on your partner as well. Here are two tools to practice in developing your awareness and emotional mastery.
(a) Make clear, upbeat requests in place of gripes or criticisms.
A common mistake partners make is to criticize one another instead of making clear, specific requests. In fact, in most every case, complaints and criticisms are merely badly worded requests!
After all, when you think of it, what do you really want your partner’s reason to be for planning a date night? Is it an optimal state reason, such as because you want them to delight, love and enjoy making life wonderful for both of you?
Or it is a survival state reason, such as because you want them to feel rotten enough about how badly they’ve behaved to finally do what they should have done a long time ago, and even if they do, it’s probably too late, and furthermore … (if you detect a lecture, you’re spot on!)?
It doesn’t take a relationship guru to tell you that, if you approach the issue motivated by a survival state reason, it’s likely to produce boxing ring energy and not the dance floor energy you really want!
So, in place of criticisms or gripes, how about making clear and upbeat requests that inspire the best energies in you and your partner, such as the following:
“Hey love, I’d so enjoy an evening out, just you and me! You know what I miss? Dancing with you! How about dinner and dancing this Friday?”
Can you see how this is more likely to energize your partner to want to respond to your request?
One small note here! Before delivering your request, be sure to take a few minutes to refresh your energy, clarify what you want, and write it down to ensure you use clear, concise, life energizing words.
(b) Replace any absolute words such as “should” with the word “prefer.”
Another “word” tool that lowers anxiety, and loosens the grip of limiting beliefs, is to replace absolute statements with prefer statements. Absolute statements are ones that contain any of the “should,” “must” or “have to” words and phrases.
Simply observe the use of any “should” words in your thinking or talking, so you can replace them with the word “prefer.”
Then, use the prefer statement format below to re-frame any absolute statements into prefer statements:
“I prefer that … (my partner would plan a date night or enjoy planning a date night) “…however, I don’t have to have this to be happy.”
Notice the calming effect of this one word. If you really want to see the difference, just close your eyes to notice how different you feel inside when you say, “My partner has to” versus “I prefer that my partner …”
In summary, your beliefs, thoughts and words shape your emotions and behavior thus the outcomes of your interactions, and your relationship and life. It’s no small matter. You can either choose to energize optimal states that allow you to freely create your best life and relationships or, by default, follow limiting thoughts down into old rabbit holes. The choice is yours.
Why not choose to freely energize optimal emotional states in yourself and your partner, and dance through life together?
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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (February 2, 2011)
Mental Health Social (February 2, 2011)
Athena Staik, Ph.D. (February 3, 2011)
Athena Staik, Ph.D. (February 5, 2011)
Athena Staik, Ph.D. (February 5, 2011)
Athena Staik, Ph.D. (February 6, 2011)
Athena Staik, Ph.D. (February 6, 2011)
Last reviewed: 6 Feb 2011
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